Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

You said you masterbate. Can that give you clues as to what appeals to you sexually? Is it a particular fantasy, a way of touching, a feeling you get from it e.g. being in control

I see no glib or flippant on this thread. I can't speak for anybody else, but I was trying to help you talk through the possibilities and options, which I assumed would be what you wanted from posting?

If not, what do you want from posting?

Hard to say really sunshine, perhaps it is feeling in control. I just honestly couldn’t tell you. But suffice to say I do have sexual feelings but then the reality either leaves me cold or makes me rage - not really the desired effect!

Everybody on the thread has tried to help. You are extraordinarily spiky and difficult to advise.

Well, that has helped me marvellously, thank you, bit

Do you have depression op? Women's sex drive is tied into emotional state mainly and it varies from person to person, there is no 'normal' or right way to feel.

Have you tried setting the mood? Discussing or finding out with your partner what would turn you on?

I have a serous lack of sex drive at the moment but it's due to my last experience with my ex and not trusting easily.

I do have depression, yes, so it’s probably linked to that partly. I don’t think it’s all of it but definitely some.

The problem is I can’t discuss it - I am so embarrassed and find it mortifying. It’s even difficult to talk about on here, anonymously.

It seems to be that people are giving you genuine, well meant suggestions. The first thing - based on your OP - that came to mind was that you may be asexual, but you've acted in a very hostile manner to that. All anyone can do here is make suggestions based on the information you give. It seems to be a very upsetting topic for you, which is understandable because it's clear you'd like a meaningful relationship, but I don't understand the anger at other posters

I think it's quite possible to find masturbating to be sexual fulfilling but to find sex with another to be unsatisfactory and therefore anger inducing. Possibly the partners you have been with haven't known or understood what you like or need. Possibly you may not have tried/felt able to communicate this. Maybe you don't know yourself and that isn't a criticism. Great sex with another person doesn't always just happen. Sometimes it needs communication, guidance, trying things out. It's much less straight forward than a quick self pleasure which does the job but nothing more. Hope you don't think I'm being glib OP. I also at times have felt like you. And I'm not a-sexual but I do struggle to get my needs met.

I haven’t been setting out to be hostile, and to be honest people coming on here purely to tell me what a horrible person I am is un helpful too.

What this isn’t is a simple problem with a simple answer - she doesn’t like sex, she is asexual, solution, meet someone else who is asexual, Chuck current partner, onto next thread.

The situation is actually extremely nuanced, firstly, as I do have sexual feelings. But moreover, it’s extremely distressing. Having it boxed off as asexual is wrong and also dismisses what this actually is.

Yes I get where your coming from op, sounds as though it's making you stressed or anxious which is where the anger comes in?

Have you tried finding ways to relax and look after your health and take care of yourself generally? Not worth making yourself stressed about it, have you thought about seeing your gp and discussing how you feel generally?

You said you have sexual feelings.
Does this mean (just) libido or you have also met/been with people you wanted to have sex with?

Or is this about you wanting to want to have sex , perhaps so you could be in a relationship/ ”normal”.

Or do you fantasise about sex, but it doesn’t do it for you in real life?
(If this, you could check this out:
lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Autochorisexual)

BTW, i sympathise, i really do.

Perhaps if you don't want people telling you you're 'horrible' (nobody has), then don't call them glib and flippant when you ask for help and they try to help.

I can see why you're not having good sex if this is your approach.

OK eckheart, you’ve driven me off a thread I desperately wanted help with - happy now? Thanks.

OP nobody is being glib, or flippant here. They are trying - very politely - to make suggestions to help. How many relationships have you had in the past? Like others have said it could be that you just haven't met the one although for me even if I meet someone I'm attracted to whether they are they one long term or not I have feelings of sexual attraction

It sounds really tough OP and I get that it must feel even more isolating when it's something you feel you can't speak about it.

I guess the issue here is that people are responding based on the info you have provided. That's all they can do and responding in a short way or saying "this situation is more nuanced than that" probably isnt going to encourage people to provide any further advice.

Perhaps rather than an online forum where only so much info can be shared, seeing someone is real life may be more helpful to you?

Have you ever thought you might be autistic?

I actually feel the same way OP. Anger particularly and frustration that I could be doing something else.

I think it's worse now as I am BF and still haven't really got a libido.

Setting time aside for sex can be helpful so it's not a rushed before sleep thing. Also creating a really open environment (which may feel vulnerable at first!) so they appreciate how you feel and what turns you on.

But I'm struck by your comment if 'he's nice enough' don't settle for this if you're not really into him. End it and move on. Find someone who you have chemistry with.

@willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme - Don't let anyone drive you away. You have had some helpful advice here.
As others have suggested would you consider trying to find a counsellor you could feel comfortable with to try and get to the root of the problem?
If not, what about self help books?
I think your upbringing might play a part here. But it could be much more complicated than that.
I hope you find the help you need and things get better for you.

OP sexuality is on a spectrum but you are turning down ideas of various types of sexuality such as asexuality.

Asexual people masturbate, they have sexual feelings, they just don't want to have sex with other people.

You seem to be looking for ideas on how you can enjoy doing something you evidently hate and don't want to do. People are therefore suggesting that you don't do it and try to find someone with similar feelings towards it.

You might find the asexuality network helpful. You can speak to other people on their forums about how you feel and perhaps find like minded folk. Even if you don't think you are asexual, it may be worth exploring as they may be able to point you in the right direction.

If you think the problem is more deep seated and could be due to trauma and your upbringing, then counselling may be helpful. You can try BACP for therapists.

It’s a bit embarrassing but I am not asexual

I will just have to ask you to leave the asexual comments there, I’m really not being rude, it’s just how it is. I’m not autistic, no.

If you want help with a nuanced issue, you can't expect people to understand it immediately, and criticise them if they don't.

If you cut people off so quickly and with so little patience, then you're unlikely to have good sex, as it's to do with learning to understand each other's needs.

My intentions was not to drive you off your thread, and to sarcastically suggest that this was my intention is exceptionally rude and defensive.

My intention was to try to understand and help you, as it seems, was everybody else's, on this thread you now can't bear for it's unpleasantness.

Good luck.

And I’d be really grateful if people could stop trying to take it down that route.

There are different types of asexuality; it isn't just one black and white type of behaviour. Some asexual’s masturbate, some don't. Please don't dismiss the possibility without investigating further as it could be an answer for the way you feel.

You know yourself best OP, what do you think the problem is? You have access to the internet and I'm sure you've researched it yourself. What ideas do you have?

But you are eckheart because I haven’t been rude, or nasty, or horrible, despite what you insist. I’ve asked, perfectly nicely, if we could move away from asexuality as being what I am, and you won’t do that. But as we can see, I have been diagnosed by MN as asexual, so now the wealth of kindness, support and advice that others are able to access on here is denied to me. And yes, I am upset about that.