Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

What ended the affair?

I tried but couldn’t do it. The betrayal and lies were too much. I was terrified of actually splitting but actually it was a relief when it finally happened.

put the blame on him not her.

in a small minority of cases people can get over it, but not in yours for the simple reason that he's minimizing. He isn't accepting full responsibility.

Someone who can't accept full responsibility and who can't accept your rollercoaster of emotions isn't a genuine partner. He's trying to minimize the unpleasantness.

Right now could you ever trust him again, and would it ever be genuine? Or would you be endlessly trying to kid yourself that you trust him? Living a lie is life-blighting.

From everything you post, the OW is actually a great deal more honest than he is :(

I would be very wary that he may be waiting until your son is 18 to leave as then your financial needs will be considered to be less and he will walk away with more house, pension and assets (and zero maintenance).

If you want a decent divorce settlement, with your son being already 14, now's the time.

Thank you for your replies.

Tork the affair ended because I found out. I guess it might never have ended if I hadn’t.

Sea he was very repentant for the first few months. We were up virtually all night most nights thrashing it out. There were all the usual tears and begging and promises etc. He answered all my questions time and again. Lately, it’s got to the “what more do you want me to say?”/“I can’t change what’s happened” stage.

We seem to have a very different view of our relationship historically. I thought we had a nice life, he says we were always sniping and I seemed angry a lot of the time. He says I’m viewing things through rose tinted glasses and that if ever he tried to address issues I would get angry, deny things and close the conversation down. I don’t recognise his version at all. I really don’t know if I could ever trust him again :(.

Why don't you suggest to your H that you want to remain in a relationship with him, but divorce amicably, splitting the assets (including pensions etc) fairly, so if he ever cheats again you can literally walk away that day.

This will force him to give you a positive asset split in the divorce (if he really wants to stay with you) plus give you the option to walk away without acrimony if you decide that you cannot remain in a relationship with a liar and a cheat.

If you are divorcing amicably and remaining in a relationship, you can still live together, raise your son together etc, you are simply legally splitting the finances.

If he puts up a fight to that suggestion I would imagine that he is (as a pp said) waiting until your DS is 18 so he can leave with a much reduced settlement.

I agree, it is he who you should be taking your anger out on and not her. Stop texting her.
I could not stay with a partner if I discovered an affair although as you prove some do. For me is is unforgiveable and the end, can you forgive?
I think it is time for you to make your mind up once and for all as his is no way to live.

I don’t think I could. I think I’d expect him to beg for my forgiveness and flagellate himself with barbed wire every single day - but obviously that’s totally unreasonable!

It’s 18 months though. A year and half. Such a long time to trick and deceive you. And it’s that I don’t think I could get passed. Was he planning on leaving you when your ds was older?

I’d be really thinking about yourself now, your not old. You still have time to have a good life with some one else and your ds is in the home run now so your life is just beginning to come more free.

I don’t think I could be with some one that thought I was so fucking stupid I didn’t spot he was shagging some one else. - which is totally not your fault by the way he is obviously very good at being deceitful. Now he is getting bored with you bringing it up. He will start resenting you for talking about it.

Some times you just have I rip the plaster off and deal with the fall out. I was a single mum for 15 years, it’s not that bad.

When a women enters a relationship knowingly with a man who is married she’s fair game game for an angry text or two..

They are both as bad as each other

Don’t contact the other woman again, it was your husband that cheated on you not her.
You will have a different view of your relationship historically because he would have rewritten it so you seem like a bad wife so he can justify his cheating.

There aren’t many assets to split tbh! We own our house but it’s heavily mortgaged. Dh is self employed, and although a very hard worker, there are cash flow problems, a vat bill to sort etc. He has said that if we part he will support ds and myself but I can’t see how he’d manage it. I do work but am not highly paid.

I don’t think I could agree to keep living with him but not to have a proper relationship. On the other hand I don’t know if I could live apart from him, having spent my entire adult life with him.

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes on sunny days and with spring around the corner, I feel hopeful and optimistic that I love him, we can do this. He’s very persuasive too. And other days I feel so completely down that I almost want to give up.

I am more angry with Dh than with ow, she doesn’t owe me anything. But then I think how I could never have done what she did, she should have said no. Dh apparently pursued her, and she apparently tried on several occasions to end things but he talked her round. She should have tried harder. It takes two to tango :(.

Wow , what a tragic period you are going through . I know it’s hard , I’m grappling with something similar myself . I found out my Dh was on an illicit web site . He eventually fessed up to being on it and is very ashamed ( but I am left feeling like I have to pick up the pieces ) I have spoken with a solicitor and they suggest for making formal arrangements with a mediator while you are both on reasonable terms . He is more likely to be reasonable now than in the throws of a potential divorce . It will also make him understand that your world has been rocked and you need to be taken seriously . Also it’s legally binding .
Don’t contact the ow I know it’s so tempting it gives her power over you and your Dh . I have details in the other ladies he had had chats with - I struggle with wanting to know all the detail with them . However they are married to .

If the affair is ongoing you must force the issue and this can only be done legally by stating your intention and/or getting marriage guidance . I know this is so tough and how torn you must be . Does he want this ow ?i know it may be hard to hear but ask him the question , but follow through on the intent by getting mediation involved . Good luck

Why would you stay with someone that obviously doesn't love you? Grab back your self respect. Divorce him and get a new life. Now is the time to push it through. If you leave it too long, your DS will have left home for University etc, "DH" will screw you over with his pension and settlement and you will be left on your own as he sails off into the sunset with OW. She is just biding her time. Your marriage is over. It's time to move on.

Bring co - dependant on somebody is different than being with some one in a healthy relationship

His rewriting of your relationship as bad is also classic and part of the Scriot.

Brain I’m sorry you’re having a terrible time too. I don’t think Dh would go for mediation. He won’t go to counselling, he says there’s no point as we would only be having the same conversations we’re having now, but in front of a stranger.

I have said to him over the past 14 months that if he loves ow he should go to her. He claims not to love her or want her, says it was all sex. I don’t know if that’s true. He’s obviously been professing undying love for me for the last 14 months but the cynic in me wonders if he’s staying for ds (who he loves unreserved - I don’t doubt that) and for financial reasons, and to avoid the inevitable fall out with family and friends that would result.

Summer what is co-dependant? The feeling of having to be with someone regardless?

@TysonFurry

My heart goes out to you. I cant imagine the pain, it must be torture.

My opinion for what its worth. Your DH deceived you for a long, long time. You had absolutely no idea he was conducting a second life with this women. No idea at all. That shows you what a master manipulator and a brilliant liar this man has shown himself to be. Deceit on that level, for that long, takes planning and calculated deception. Seeing as you have been married so long, that level of betrayal would be incredibly hard to forgive. How could he hurt you like this? That's not a mid life crisis. Dont accept that. That's him wanting someone new and not giving two shits about you. He thought with his dick, like so many men do. He didnt end it , he got caught. It really couldn't be worse.

Of course you are petrified of a life without the man you THOUGHT you were with. Hes all you ever known yet it seems you didnt know him at all. He is scared now, trying to backtrack, to repent but no matter what he does from here to eternity it will never erase what hes already done. It will eat you up. Dont like your life like that. You'll never trust him again and quite rightly so.

The only way to end this torment is to leave him. And stop.texting the OW. You are keeping yourself locked into a perpetual cycle of anguish and pain. You can do this, millions of other women have. Dont waste your life on someone who could do this to you. If you forgive him what's stopping him doing it again and again ?

I'm so sorry

My personal view is that your trust seems to have gone and I don't think there is any way back from that. He lied over a sustained period to you, I wouldn't trust him again so I'd leave otherwise you'll be in this limbo land forever as there is no way back to where you were.

mama thank you for your message.

You know what - I knew this was a bad situation but seeing it written down, it looks even worse! I obviously can’t encapsulate all the nuances of his post-discovery behaviour which has seemed so remorseful. And of course I’ve wanted to believe that he is genuinely sorry, so that’s a big influencer. But the bigger picture is awful isn’t it?

As you say mama I thought I was with one man when in fact I was with quite another :(. How could he do that to me after 35 years, endless hardships that we surmounted together, knowing how much I loved him etc.

My issue would be there is no guarantee he won't do it again.

He loves me and ds unreservedly
Er.....shagging someone else is not the actions of a man who loves you!
Stop fooling yourself.
Yes you can get through this, I’ve known a couple, let’s call them Jenny and Graham, (made up names) he cheated on her for 30+ years since the late 1980’s, Jenny still puts up with his indiscretions(even now he still texts and calls and messages on Facebook to his mistress) because obviously she loves him much more than he loves her. They already had a daughter and even went on to have a son after he was caught cheating. His ow had a daughter to him around the same time as Jenny was giving birth to George. They’ve moved away from the ow and seem happy in Weston super mare, (made up town) but even a blind man can see graham doesn’t love Jenny, he puts up with her because she looks nice, cooks, nice, fucks nice and keeps a nice home.
It’s your choice, do you put up and shut up or do you make him pay?
I’d not put up with my husband cheating on me and he knows it.

Hi OP- I am going through a similar process, and have found that on Mumsnet anyone who stays with an unfaithful husband is given a pretty hard time. I no longer comment on threads like these, as I have been viciously attacked (under another name).

Here is a thread written by a woman who stayed in her marriage:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3817879-I-stayed-with-my-DH-after-his-long-term-affair

I think it is thoughtful and interesting, and certainly has a variety of responses.

I don’t think you’re ever going to feel ok again unless you leave him. You owe yourself that, at the very least. In years to come, your son would be so upset to think you’ve suffered this and endured years of turmoil for your ds sake.
Your dh is no longer really wanting to talk about stuff as he feels, he’s already said enough. He doesn’t want counselling as he feels HE doesn’t want a stranger knowing his personal predicament. Yet he proclaims he’d do anything to make things up to you. A holiday, meal out, gifts.
Seriously, the guy is weak. He’s weak all round. Yet sadly, you’re the one feeling weak and needing to mend all this. What is he doing to get this mended. He should be doing whatever it is you need to feel better, but no, it’s all too much for him. You absolutely cannot fix this all by yourself. He must at least meet YOU halfway.

I assure you, none of this will ever feel consistently better until you stand up for yourself, as the strong beautiful independent woman you are. You are not second best. You are perfectly good enough. Your dh is weak, pathetic and manipulative. He’s terrified of losing his security and what people may think about him. Not once is he thinking ‘ oh god, this must be awful for you. Whatever it takes, I will do’

It sounds as though he’s not actually in the best financial position to leave but that’s his concern. Don’t stay with him to stop him being with the ow. You’re better than that.

These threads are so depressing. He’s ultimately lied to everyone in his life. And even the OW has been lied to to a certain extent.
But I know plenty of women who stay with men like this, for many reasons. Mainly fear of being alone.
I can tell you, being alone is ok. It doesn’t have half the downsides of being with someone who can lie simultaneously to everyone and to you the most.