Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

The fact that you found out about it, and he carried on contacting her?

That's unforgivable.

He deliberately chose to ignore your hurt and shock, because the thrill of the chase meant more.

He's no prize here to be the "winner" of.

I’m not exonerating Dh by any means, but he didn’t do it on his own.

But it sounds like if if wasn't her, if would've been someone else.

Even he said it was about sex (thereby shooting himself in the foot, though he doesn't realise it and thinks it's a good line for convincing you if didn't mean anything). And by shooting himself in the foot I mean that, by that rationale, he's equally have had the affair with any available, attractive woman he had enough access to and could pursue/talk into it.

So she doesn't actually matter (including her integrity or lack of) because it could've been anyone .. and I seriously doubt the average persons integrity and good sense would be much better than hers was.

In fact she's been v level headed and moderate in her interactions with you, in spite of apparently being devastated that he hadn't left - many another woman would've been a lot harder to deal with and caused you real trouble and humiliation.

I just dont know how you could stay with someone who could do that to you for 18 months. It wasnt a quick one off fumble or two. He's been lying to you for a tear and a half. That isn't the way someone who loves you acts. Heck, it's not even the way some who respects you acts.

You shouldnt just 'get over' betrayal like that. Nor should you even be considering it.

*year

You have mentioned that part of your reason for not separating from him is that he's all youve known, you've been together do long, you don't have many friends and your family's not near by (?)

Well you can make friends a d acquaintances, you can possibly move closer to family (esp. when your son goes into further education/training/work and flies the nest to some extent or other). And you can adjust to him not being in your life; not easy but you could.

I think some posters have made a good point in saying that your "d" h night be postponing leaving until your son's 18 for financial reasons and playing the game til then. So what would be the point of swallowing all this, only to be left by him (and face rebuilding your life, not at your own choice) later down the line anyway. Obviously we're not psychic and we can't know for sure but it's a possibility.

Kick his sorry ass out and leave her alone. You've got your priorities all wrong. She sounds like she's been done over by him and now you.

I'm afraid that for me the trust has been broken.
I would leave him now and divorce. I understand it's difficult but I couldn't live with my DH if he did that to me.

*He will have followed the script. He will have told her:

• the marriage is over in all but paperwork.
• you have not slept together in years.
• he only stays because of the children.
• if he left, you would have a break down, maybe suicide.
• you have mental health problems
• he never should have married you
• she is his soul mate
• he wishes desperately he could be with her
• all the ways in which you are a terrible mother, wife, person.*

Yep, classic cheating husband script.

There is a great deal of deception and manipulation involved in a man cheating on his wife - both of the wife and of the ow. He's the only one who's not being deceived or manipulated.

You say what she's told you tallies with him. I don't know if she's mentioned j.using any of the script above or not. If she hasn't I'd suggest it's because

A. She's not cruel, feels some guilt and doesn't want to rub salt in your wounds

And/or

B. She thinks it will scupper ant chance of him ending up with her.

That is a consideration for many ow - and will.kerp many "in line" until it becomes clear he'll never leave his wife (presuming be doesn't) of he's moved into another ow etc.

Maybe it tallies because they've discussed what you are to be told, because he's prepped her.

People are saying he didn't do it alone, but he still chose to do it at the end of the day. If OW came on to him or anything, he could just have ignored.

Why am I feeling as if some of you think I’m in the wrong by apportioning some blame to ow? She has to accept her part in this surely? She said herself that she was as much to blame as Dh, that she’d done something she shouldn’t have, and would always regret that. She apologised to me.

I don’t know if I’ve made it sound as if I’ve let him off the hook, we talk about this all the time, and of course, he shouldn’t have behaved in this way.

I feel more confused than ever now. I think I will step back from the thread, or at least step back from posting. I will re-read though because there are lots of valid points and opinions. And I do include in those the ones I don’t necessarily agree with so thank you to all.

*any chance

I think it’s more that ppl feel that while of course you should be pissed at her, she’s a distraction from the real issue which is Your DH behaviour.

She didn’t make vows & promises to you, he did. Plus he sounds manipulative af and I’m sure he’ll soon try & convince you it was all the ow fault

He’s treated you so badly, just don’t let him off the hook for what’s he’s done x

So sorry you're in this position op, I know I've come across as harsh but I hate to see a nice person being treated in this way, it's despicable.

And on a last point - being self employed seems like a rather good way of hiding money/like he could possibly misrepresent how badly or not he's doing and how much money he's actually made. I'd get a forensic accountant involved if you do separate. He's not exactly shown himself to be a model of integrity and virtue in recent years.

And juat to reiterate, I'd take anything she says with a pinch of salt, she could still be under his influence/still.be acting with a view to a dream of a long term future with him. He was with her for 18 months, she probably thinks she loves him. You may not know the full details if what he's told her. As I said she won't want to hack him off or risk losing any hope by totally dropping him in it with you, making things harder for him etc.

Do you really want to be with someone where the only hope is that any woman he propositions turns him down? Will your answer always be "well if that woman said no then we wouldn't be in this situation".

So he wants other women. He propositions them...but thate fine as long as she says no because then he hasn't actually done anything?

Why would you want to stay with someone who wanted someone else? And continued wanting her and contacting her after you found out?

Lovey, I've read all your posts here and the OW here is acting with a great deal more integrity and honesty and grace than your husband.

He admits he chased her. He says it was mostly sex. She didnt think so, did she? She's been honest and regretted what she did immensely and been as reparative to you as she can.

Your husband listened a great deal to you in the early months but now he's had enough.

Your heart is broken; your faith is broken; your trust is broken.

I don't think an affair -necessarily- has to be the end of the marriage, but in this case, the man you are living with is utterly deceptive and -this is the most important bit- you are broken. Im not sure you can heal with him around, and I'm certain that he isnt trustworthy.

Look after yourself and your son here. He -will- be picking up on your desperate unhappiness and misery, even if you think you're hiding it.

I think OP the big issue is whether you can actually ever feel quite the same again on an emotional level . I have found that the hardest thing to be honest and it’s over3 years now. For many people there would be nothing wrong with things as they are but if you know it’s not as they should be in your heart- it’s very difficult regardless of how sorry someone is. i empathise hugely

What do You want? Do you want to split, but are scared about a future without him? If thats the case then it may be a good idea to start developing your life without him. I don't mean leave him straight away, but start doing things for yourself, with your interests at heart, make new friends, get a new hobby/or job etc. Start to detach emotionally and make a plan to leave when you feel ready.

If you want to stay, how do you think you/DH can repair the relationship. Do YOU need couples counselling? Do you need to move away etc? You need to say what you need to do or try and this is totally non-negotiable. He doesn't get to have an 18 month affair and refuse counselling, that's totally unreasonable.

You can't carry on like this. You don't sound like you are coping (not sure many would) and recovering from finding out about the affair.

Be a little careful of the people here who keep saying essentially that monogamy is unnatural. Not everyone who posts has -your- best interests at heart; some of them want to be able to persuade women (and also men) that commitment is weird, and means nothing.

The problems only start when they are found out

oh dear, like the unfaithful one not being around the marriage and kids? Like STIs?

just because they are or arent 'found out' doesn't mean that problems don't follow, unless you live very shallowly and close your eyes

I don't have any advice unfortunately OP but I do agree with you regards the OW. I've never really understood the "blame your husband, not the OW." "He cheated on you, not her." Etc argument. She's a shit person by default.....because she knowingly cheated with a married man. She chose to take part in something that inflicted terrible pain on another human.

Who wouldn't like an escape from reality? A parallel universe.

I certainly would. There are any number of people I could shag senseless.

But it would all be an indulgence. Fuck everyone else. Amazingly heady! Right up there for intoxication.

But it ends. It can't be sustained - because it is a fantasy. A kind of strike for not having to work at life.

So selfish.

He is fucking seducing you into being the fallback, into not facing the consequences of his selfishness. He doesn't want to lose the stable, the real,. He wanted his flight of fancy (who fucking WOULDN'T?!?) but he doesn't want to lose the real.

So he uses your vulnerability, your tremendous hurt, to facilitate his anchor in the real.

Bastard.

I think monogamy is obtainable.
Most people want that one special , secure loving relationship - but I do encourage people to live a little first before setting down - sow your wild Oates.
Realise that love isn't around every corner.

I wasn't ready to settle down until I was 29 - by then I knew what was out there.

Yes I still find members of the opposite sex attractive but why risk the love of my life for a cheap thrill?

If you neglect your relationship it becomes vulnerable to affairs - constants rows and disharmony , long periods of separation and lack of intimacy are all factors.

And I just don't buy happy people have affairs.

Maybe these are people who hadn't reached the point of being ready to settle down yet...

@SeaEagleFeather talks good sense.

Robin223

You sound a little naive. And you are also assuming that everybody is built the same way as you are.

Many people struggle with monogamy. And especially with a long term monogamy. Yes, most people want a human connection and want to he loved.
However - for many people sex isn’t only
about love. It also exists as a strong urge, totally separate from love.

You can chose to believe what you want, especially if it makes you happier and more secure in your relationship.
However, all the data and all the professionals working with couples are very clear on the reality.
People struggle with monogamy. Many many people cheat over the course of their relationships. Most are not found out.
Majority of people would cheat if there was a total guarantee they won’t be found out - survey after survey confirms it.
And finally, yes - even people in happy relationships can cheat.
Humans are completely imperfect.

@Josuk
Maybe I am.
But I can only relate to what I see.

I think that most people are lucky if they find love and if they lose it over infidelity it's a very hard lesson - but not ti be repeated.

My father was a one man women.
He was with my mum 20 years till her early death and his partner another 30 till his death.

He liked women but that was how he was.

I know we're all different but those men I see ducking around just seem to unhappy lives and are grabbing on to sex/ other women the way addicts drink / gamble / smoke in a away time make theirselves feel better.
Just mho.