Tyson from my experience, divorce was a mistake.
Emotionally, it wasn't a mistake I don't have to deal with an emotional toddler 'as though' he was a reasonable, rational fully functioning adult .
But for all the things that are really what life is about? Divorce was a mistake.
The key here is Radical Acceptance. Acceptance that the person you have been with for 35 years has parts of him you know nothing about.
Acceptance that he splits himself into 'dutiful family man' (that's for you, you draggy old frump, you joy stealer you) and 'passionate feeling person' (that's for strangers he actually doesn't know and can project upon)
Acceptance that your dream of really being loved and wanted and being in a team ain't gonna happen.
Acceptance that your innocent trust is gone.
Acceptance that your innocence is gone.
Acceptance of him, for who he REALLY is: a somewhat emotionally retarded soul who splits himself (dutiful and soul dead/passionate and feeling) into compartments and doesn't have the tools to reintegrate those parts together AND DOESN'T WANT TO DO THE THERAPY TO TRY.
Here are the other acceptances:
That he is not all bad.
That he really did love you passionately, once
And in his funny way he does still love you (not the way you would like to be loved, see loss of innocence, above)
That he provides for his family and that is how he shows his love
That this is really stressful and hard (cue split)
That actually, family house home is really, really important
That staying married protects your children
That getting divorced means (see emotional toddler, above) he is available to STRANGERS to really, really fuck up your family structure
That - and listen to me carefully now, this is important:
... divorce = pretty much immediate loss of income, almost always borne by the women and children.
Listen to me now, @TysonFurry!
Grieve hard, grieve silently, grieve deeply at the loss of your hopes and dreams ...
but do not endanger your family by reacting (solicitors, divorce courts)
Divorce, don't get divorced IT STILL HURTS AND IT DOESN'T STOP HURTING. Divorce solves nothing but brings reduced standard of living and strategic dangers.
So get pragmatic. Pragmatic means £££££, family home and protecting your child from enduring 'new snatch in the shape of a stranger' in her face.
His behaviour does not determine your worth.
Hold your head up high, believe in yourself.
His crippled emotional state is not, actually, your problem
He does funnily enough have the right to be whoever he needs to be and be on whatever journey he needs to go on, and you have no control over that. Here is the kicker for him: CONSEQUENCES.
Forge your own new life where your needs become more important and his needs slide right down that f* totem pole
Live as though you are alone
Develop your job, friends, hobbies, sports, community involvelement other support networks that DON'T include what he wants or doesn't want. He forfeited that right when he betrayed you (dispassionately remind him of this when he starts whining)
I wish 10 years ago, there was me-who-had-learned-the-hard-way telling me all this stuff. It would have helped a lot in my decision making process.
I should never have got divorced and reduced the legal protection of marriage from my children (and paradoxically, from him). I should have just left him alone to flail around in his male depression, reduced his emotional power over me and got on with my own life.
Anybody who is in the same boat and in an agony of indecision? Hope you are listening. NONE of this is about the wife or the marriage. So don't compound the £££ damage by making it so.