Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

I am not advocating staying or going. I think only OP can decide wants best for her.
All I am saying is that it is never as easy as the people shouting LTB.
And that marriages, even shorter length ones are difficult. And that 35year+ monogamy is impossible for most people.
Being older and living most of your life with someone Is also significant here.
So the choose isnt easy

Thank you for further messages, bit pressed for time so apologies.

I honestly don’t know if I will leave or not. I will admit to not being a strong person and that, coupled with the fact I’ve spent my whole adult life with him, is what makes me hesitate each time we get to that point. Plus the fact he’s very persuasive and doesn’t want us to split. Which I have taken, until recently, as a sign that he loves me but, having read some of the posts here, I can see that isn’t necessarily the case :(.

I will look at chumplady.

You keep on saying you have spent your "whole adult life " with him - this is a good reason to stay for more shit ?

Let me tell you how a man like this operates - he panics when he is busted and does the most common thing - pleads to stay , makes amends etc while even yes still in contact . It may just be by phone but it still happens . They find it hard to give up the rush . Usually you find that someway down the line - and maybe in about 18 months - you are back in the same shit.

When they are with the OW then yes they DO talk about you AND your children . He opens his life up to the OW. He says things like he hates that he has to do this or that , that he gets nagged. He has the sex with her that you may not want to have or as often as you do . He loves being adored and wanted and this is THE most important bit . He is King in this little world . What may start out as a bit of fun though gets more serious - he starts to get addicted to OW, he develops feelings and he is totally confused . He is a schemer and covers his steps well - he monitors his phone use, his phone is face down ( except when with OW as he lets her see messages from you ) , he messages from the toilet , when he is at work, on her birthday , at holidays, he LIES all the time . He has no guilt as he deserves it . Meanwhile you are wandering about in oblivion maybe even walking past the OW - she's looking at you pitying you for being with such a lying cheat . She's laughing at your happy FB posts because she knows the reality of your life . This is the man you have in your home - you want to spend more years like this until he decides to move on in 10 years time ? Think seriously about it !

Im sorry for your pain. I think he needs to show more remorse and if he was truly remorseful he would be willing to do whatever it took to prove it.

I think you need some counselling. Otherwise what choices are there? a) you live in this miserable limbo b) you get him to leave or c) you do counselling to get over it?

It wasnt a one night stand it was 18 MONTHS of deceit- through birthdays/christmas/times of happiness/times of stress. Thats a lot to come to terms with and work through. It ended because you found out and not because he didnt want to be with her any more or couldnt carry on the deceit.

You dont want to split from him, but he’s isnt the man you thought he was is he?

Dont text the OW she didnt cheat on you HE did.

I’m sorry to say it but I dont think a man who could do that to you really loves you. Do you?

Sending you strength. He’s not worthy of you in my opinion.

Anonymous surveys show that thousands of married people have affairs. The problems only start when they are found out.
Some of the PPs on here may have cheating partners but just don’t know it yet.
It really isn’t relevant what any or all of us on MN would do about it if we found out - it only matters what YOU want to do, OP.
It depends on so many factors - how much importance do you place on fidelity, how jealous are you as a person, how secure is the marriage in other respects, how able are you to forgive and move on, do you see this as a deal breaker, etc.
I think it would be helpful for you to see a counsellor by yourself and have a breathing space to think it all through, away from your DH and his justifications and pleas.
If you see an affair as just an illicit thrill, a midlife crisis, a bit of variety, or an attempt to sow wild oats that was missed during the more appropriate teenage years, you are more likely to be able to forgive and remain married, than if you view it as a huge betrayal, an emotional love affair, a humiliation, or an attack on you.
Discussing it calmly will help you to decide where you stand and what you want to do next. But don’t stay for the wrong reasons - fear of being alone, clinging to the familiar. Only stay if the marriage can meet your emotional needs and will make you happy. Good luck with your decision.

I am sorry OP he is a shit.
I could possibly get over a one night stand or fling with lots of work, never after an affair for 18 month's. He'll do it again even 10 years down the line.

@Babdoc..... You make some very valid points. The most important being that it is ultimately up to @TysonFurry to decide what's best for her, and that counselling will be immensely helpful with this decision.

I can only relate my own experience, as someone who was with my husband all my adult life, until recently. I did the counselling, I believed his story of the affair being no more than an inconsequential fling during the midlife crisis brought on by his 60th birthday. I tried to live with his betrayal, I really did, and for 3 years post affair I really thought we had weathered the storm. But it became increasingly clear to me that there was more to his relationship with the OW than he let on. And he refused to tell me the whole truth - I knew I was being gaslighted.

And you know what? When I finally told him that I was done and was going to divorce him, that very same evening (!) he emailed the OW, told her a pack of lies about our marriage, that he had missed her desperately all these years, and that he was going to divorce me. Told her that he wanted to come to see her because she was the only bright star in his life. FFS. I could write reams about all the assurances of his love for me in the intervening years.

And even after all this I'm finding it difficult at times. Decades of love and being together can lead to an almost visceral bond, which is very difficult to break. But it is not in itself a reason to stay, because the betrayal, for most, will never totally fade.

Reader, she turned him down . And I am really happy and relieved to be rid of him and all the drama. Sorry about writing a novella

@TysonFurry I am so sorry you're in this situation. It's shit isn't it. He's the one that's done this terrible thing but now it's you that's suffering and having to try and deal with all the fallout.

My situation is kind of similar although there has been no physical cheating (that I know of anyway), my DH had what I can only call a one sided emotional affair (he became pretty obsessed with someone and thought about leaving me, but I know for sure nothing ever happened and the woman had no clue about his feelings), I then caught him on a hook up website. This was October 2019.

When I'm trying to think of the best advice to give you, the main thing is my mind is LEAVE HIM. But I know it's not that easy is it. Like you, I have spent my whole adult life with my husband. I threw him out when it all happened but then I had the crying, the begging, the remorse. I also had the need to know all the details so I completely understand why you kept asking him so many questions.

For a while I really thought we could get through it, you see other people who have got past situations like this don't you, it gives you hope. But I'm becoming less and less sure. I honestly think I will end up leaving him now. This time last year I used to look at him and feel such love and devotion and like I'd do anything to keep him. Now I look at him and just feel angry, pissed off, and to be honest a little bit disgusted by him. I even feel a bit sorry for him, it's just quite sad and pathetic what he did.

You have said a fair few times 'He doesn't want to split'. What you need to focus on (and it's taken me a while to realise this too) is that it doesn't actually matter what HE wants. What do you want? I spent months being so focused on the goal of 'stay together, he earns trust back, we work at being happy like we were before'. I've now realised that won't happen. I'll never trust him like I did before and I don't think I'll ever feel like I did before. I've come to realise my choices are a) accept that this will be my life now, I'll always have a certain amount of contempt for him and there's always be a level of mistrust and wondering what he's doing on his phone, or b) I end it and try to be happy on my own with my kids and make a new life, even though I think I'll be lonely at first.

I still can't decide between a) or b) but I do know this can't go on forever. And neither can you. Have you tried counselling? I've been going to counselling on my own and, although it's not given me a definitive answer of what I want to do, it's definitely helped things become clearer in my mind. I would totally recommend it.

Sorry, I always seem to waffle on! I will be thinking of you. Please let us know how you are x

So sorry to read yet another affair thread, I'm another one in a similar situation to you / yes down the line from finding out. What I will say is it doesn't go away sadly.. I have awful vivid dreams in which the OW often pops up (she contacted me and told all). I won't bore you with the story but it was shocking and broke me inside. I'm not the same person, my H is just that a H. I tolerate him for the sake of my kids and I play the lottery weekly wishing this nightmare could end. He's wonderfully controlling and minimised everything just like your H and to do this to us they don't know the true meaning of love. If you can't find the strength get out, I'm hoping my day will come soon. Hugs x

*2 years down the line (that should red) 🤐

Thank you for sharing your experiences to those of you who have been through similar. I identify and recognise all the conflicting emotions you are having.

FlowerArranger what made you change your mind after 3 years when you thought you’d weathered the storm?

Babdoc I don’t think I’m a jealous person but fidelity is very important to me and I thought Dh and I shared the same values. Mostly, we’ve only had each other because we both left home in our teens and our families live far away. We didn’t have ds until we’d been together for over 20 years so I thought we were a really tight unit. Yet, one of the texts I saw between them he was calling the ow his soulmate. God, just writing that makes me feel sick :(.

I do understand posters getting frustrated by my apparently weak response and by the fact there have been no consequences for him. But I truly think I have been in some sort of fog for the last 14 months. Even now, I only get glimpses of just how complete a betrayal this has been. It’s like I can’t take it in.

Here is something that you don’t hear on MN but it’s from a professional with years of experience counselling couples dealing with infidelity.

The confusion is because he's not the person you thought he was and this is not the life you thought you had/will have together
Think about this, if you could be financially secure in your own place with your boy would you still stay. Is your life now more pain than pleasure. The one person you should be able to count on after such a long time has let you down, because he was bored with your sex life, written down it sounds pathetic! I hope you find some peace and happiness what ever you decide. ❤❤

You need to click on the image to see the whole thing

This is a very difficult one.
You got together very young.

If you love each other you can get passed this and go on to have a good marriage/ but it is forever changed , though it can be better, stronger.

At some point you need to get passed the anger weather you stay together or not.

Do you both understand why it happened?
As that issues/issues been resolved?

trust needs to be rebuilt and that takes time.

Of course you can make it on your own.
But do you want to?

This aside - is your life Better with or without your dh?

Only you know but take some time.

Jsku then they can fuck off and leave the rest of us loyal idiots in peace. Those of us who would actually work out any problems, or at least try to.

Sandy541

There is a theory on how life should be - and perfect people live in that world.
And there is a reality - occupied my many imperfect people.
Do try to open you mind and try to listen to Esther - she has worked with hundreds of couples and she know the reality of life that imperfect people live.

People cheat for different reasons. And it is possible to really love someone and still crave something else.
A bit so great analogy I saw used somewhere works to explain it - even if you really love some dish, and happy to eat it over and over, for years; you can still sometimes might want to try an another dish.

OP had had a long life with her H. She loves him, and it seems that he actually really loves her. He could have easily left, but he didn’t.
Many people get over infidelity and rebuild their marriage.
Making OP feel bad for wanting to do so is just wrong.
It’s her decision

You keep saying you've spent half your life with him etc etc, with respect - so what ?

So you're going to waste the other half with a man who could do this to you.... a man who had not a one night stand, but an 18 month affair?

So many women do this. You're opting for the safe zone. But it's not safe. This man is a cheat, and a liar and you will always wonder, always suspect, always ultimately feel a bit low because if you stay with him, there's no getting away from what hes done. You stay, you have to accept it and move on.....and you're a stronger women than me if you manage that.

Read the threads on here from other women in your position who didnt accept it, refused to stay with a man who could betray so deeply, and moved on. Read their threads. They start with despair, sadness, panic, bewilderment. Then comes the first steps towards the new, the positive....then they come back a year later and update us and they are HAPPY. It took time....they had to heal....but to do that, they had to leave the person who had caused the pain. You can do it. You should do it. I wish you would xxx

@jsku

A theory about how life should be?

What about a theory about how marriage should be?

*clue: faithful and built on trust.

My ex had an affair and we split. I regret it to this day and when I look back I kind of understand why he had the affair. Apart from her being prettier than me and actually seeing to his physiological needs I admit now that I took him for granted and put myself before him always. He is now happy and I am glad for him.

I'm so sorry OP

In my experience when an affair ends because of remorse and love for the spouse the marriage stands a chance but if only for exposure then no. The reality is he probably loved (the escape life of) her and may well want to resume it when the dust settles because he didn't choose to end it.

This is not a man who had a one night mistake he lied to you for a long time and there is no reason to forgive that even if you feel you should for your DC.

I think this is a difficult position for you .Like many women you have been in a long term relationship and cant imagine life on your own . Co dependency is a reliance on one another without a love bond there . Can you manage financially on your own? He seems to be contrite and wanting to start again ,but is reluctant to go to counselling ! You can move forward as a couple ,but you need to talk honestly and openly and this is much better with a trained Counseller .He will try to pass it off as "being all about sex" but this isnt the issue .Sex will be part of a close relationship they had .How can he then expect you to be close if he is not discussing everything fully? I feel for you as many PPs say you should LTB at once ,but its not that easy really . What do you want for your future ,do you want to stay married and keep the Status Quo, or have a chance for a fresh start and the chance to meet someone new or be independent and please yourself for once ?

Just read the full thread and not sure I have anything useful to add, but here's my 2 pence.

1. Some people have said "perhaps he needed some sexual varierty". Maybe humans are not made for decades of monogamy, but if there is no other explicit discussion about boundaries and expectations, I would assume that my partner is faithful and monogamous. I am not speaking from experience but "opening up the marriage" post-affair when someone has been so betrayed sounds absolutely and completely different from two consenting adults agreeing to experiment with their joint curiosity.

2. Only you know the true situation because only you are living it right now, but when you said "he talked you round" when you wanted to leave, and later that the OW wanted to break it off but "he talked her round", all I hear is that he is a brilliant manipulator. I also think that this is why he's against counselling, because a professional will see that.

Can you really say that after all these years you never wondered about sex with someone other than your H?

Thing is whether she had or hasn't wondered, she hadn't been shagging another bloke behind he'd dh's back and covering it up for a year and a half.
Maybe cause she has some integrity of decency.

Wise up

Esther fkg Perel - monogamy isn't sustainable/natural - cool, be honest then. Split of have an open relationship.

*or