Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

18 months isnt just sex. That's a relationship. Your husband didn't just cheat sexually, he betrayed you emotionally too and he will do it again because he can.

Dont waste another minute on him. You have the rest of your life to flourish and maybe meet someone who sees how great you are.

Spend the next 10 years making him regret losing you and not you feeling regret for giving a man who doesn't respect you 2nd and 3rd chances.

@mamato3lads

That’s the thing.... The theory of marriage doesn’t have some universal definition.
For years and years in the centuries before us marriage was a totally different beast.
An economic union, meant to rear children and increase/pass on wealth.
Romantic love existed totally separate from the institution of marriage.
Sex was not confided to marriage alone.

Now - the expectation on marriage is to provide a totally of people’s needs - financial, romantic, friendship, mental stimulation, companionship, etc.
It’s no wonder that there are so many divorces as it’s often impossible to find someone who can give us all we expect.

So yes - I do think the current theory or marriage and life time monogamy based on romantic love is unrealistic.
And that theory is what drives people to give advice like yours - one mistake = leaving the marriage.
Interestingly - in all other areas of life we tend to practice forgiveness and think people deserve more than one chance.
Marriage is no different from that.

Oh I’m so sorry OP, that is so awful! In answer to your question, I don’t think you will get over it. 18 months is an awfully long time. That’s a year and a half of him sneaking around, doing things he knew would hurt you terribly but still putting himself before you and your DS.

Dh apparently pursued her, and she apparently tried on several occasions to end things but he talked her round. She should have tried harder. It takes two to tango sad.

She should have tried harder?

Fk me.

Your DH is the one that started a relationship with her (and no doubt told her a pile of shit to get her - if she knew from the start he was married).

He wouldnt have been anywhere near her if he was committed/faithful/loyal/had integrity.
Is she so special - if it was just sex etc.?

No, he's actually saying she isn't (ocjes telling the truth) - that it could have been anyone. So if it could've been anyone, then if that ow wasn't talked around - another one would've been. How many theoretical women do you want to fight harder against your husband's advances? How many theoretical women are responsible for keeping your husband faithful: rather than him.

We can talk about general decency and girl code all day but ultimately noone owed you loyalty and fidelity but your husband. Any ow would naturally assume that your DH doesn't care all that much about his marriage or you, to be pursuing a relationship with another person in the first place. So why would they be fighting it they'd think he's going to leave sooner or later. And cheating men have a script for ow too - a script that works. That's why she's devastated.

@TysonFurry You need to delete the OW number. Although she is a being magnanimous now, what you are doing can be seen as harassment and you don't need to add to what you are going through. Also it seems you are throwing all your anger in her direction. While I am not saying she is innocent ( and neither is it for me to say that she is) your "D"H was lying to both of you. He was the one married to you, not her. He was the one you have been with for 35 years.

@sandy541 and @mamato3lads what @jsku is saying is true. Of course there's a theory to how life and marriage should be. None of us are robots. People change, people make mistakes, people lie, people cheat people are good and bad. I'm a therapist and there is no roadmap, there is no rule book and even if there was people don't always follow it. Not everyone has the same values, yes morals are one thing but values are another. Not everyone will choose the same path and sometimes our decisions impact terribly on other people. Ester is not wrong. I have found similar reasons in clients who have experienced infidelity from both sides ( along with other reasons but these are two huge ones) Having experienced infidelity myself I understand how hard this is to come to terms with.

*It’s no wonder that there are so many divorces as it’s often impossible to find someone who can give us all we expect.

So yes - I do think the current theory or marriage and life time monogamy based on romantic love is unrealistic.*

The answer to that is for people to have some integrity and honesty and either split from their partner or arrange an open relationship; not for people (let's face it - mostly women) to accept infidelity & deception.

Not to be rude but I find it frustrating you don't seem to be looking at your own situation but letting a lot of strangers tell you what to do. Really at the end of the day this is your marriage and only you know whether it can work. Everyone on here having their opinion is all fair and well but we aren't in your situation. Why don't you take a break from this thread and actually think about what you want going forward

Oh and the whole 'people weren't sexually or romantically monogamous in the past, they had pragmatic marriages for ABC reasons and found romance/sex outside them".... What that actually meant in pra give was that men found romance a d sex outside them and it was tolerated, not women.

When was infidelity a divorce basis for women Vs men?

Women and men didn't have some equal, fair access arrangement for extra marital sex or romance - that's the height of naivety.

what made you change your mind after 3 years when you thought you’d weathered the storm?

If a couple get back together after an affair there is often a very powerful way of reconnecting that is commonly known as hysterical bonding. This is more than intense sexual desire - it's an almost desperate clinging to each other, not wanting to lose your spouse and the relationship, wanting everything to be the way it was, only better.

In our case this lasted about 18 months to 2 years, during which time he did everything he could to reassure me that I was the one and that the OW never meant anything. He became much more attentive and considerate and made a real effort, including exciting travel and plans for our retirement.

But somehow I continued to have these niggling doubts, feeling that he'd not told me the whole story. So one day I hacked his email... It was shocking, and I knew there was no coming back from that. I stayed another 2 years for complex personal reasons, but I was done. Leaving was the best decision for me. It's like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulder.

Your mileage may vary. Take your time; there's no rush. But do invest in counselling. And read Chumplady... I wish you all the best

With respect @Jsku I think OP expected her DH to take the traditional view of marriage when they took their vows.

Whether you find that unrealistic is irrelevant

He made those vows. He had a duty to OP to stick to them, like she did. He chose not to.

Gilbert I know she owed me nothing. I know it was Dh who owed me his loyalty. But equally she must’ve known what she was doing was wrong. She knew I was married.

Mikey I’m not expecting mn to tell me what to do but I am seeking opinions. This has been almost all I’ve been able to think about for the last 14 months and I feel trapped in my own head, running along the same grooves over and over again. I just wanted some outside perspective.

Thanks for elaborating Flower, I recognise the hysterical bonding. I read the chumplady link up thread, and will have a look at more of her stuff later.

He made those vows. He had a duty to OP to stick to them, like she did. He chose not to.

Yeah, pity he "forgot" to mention to op that the (oh so unrealistic, untenable) monogamy part of their relationship was now not applicable.

Funny how none of these cheating husbands do that - they're always v happy to let their wives stick to the monogamy agreement while they don't. That's what makes all the Esther Perel, realism, pragmatism, forgiveness spiel such a joke.

The very fundamental meaning of cheating is making someone stick to rules that you don't stick to. That's fundamentally treating them like shit, treating them.unfairly, taking advantage of their integrity, of their ignorance of what you're doing, Dr diving them, treating them as unequal.to you etc.
Call it what it is and stop.with the "monogamy is unrealistic, forgive the cheating man" schtick.

But equally she must’ve known what she was doing was wrong. She knew I was married.

Do you mean she knew he was married.

Yes, but when a married person displays total disrespect for the fact they're married, why would the other person respect it? Done exceptionallt moral, possibly religious, people might, but most people will assume that they don't value or resoe t their marriage and will end it sooner or later.

And the Chester will imply or outright say exactly that's. Few men ever got extra marital sex by saying they adore their wife, don't plan to leave her and their marriage is good. They get it by saying the opposite. Ax I said they have a script for affair partners and that script works. Alongside attraction, being flattered, being pursued, developing feelings etc - that's why they get involved and stay involved.

It:s never been up to her or anyone else to uphold your marriage, it was up to your husband.

*Some exceptionally

Imo she's been used, abused, deceived, manipulated, led on, and treated shittily too.

She's been very moderate and polite to you about it all so far by the sounds of it, many wouldn't be.

You're just lucky you don't have a vengeful, angry, bitter woman harassing you and making you and your son's life (more) miserable and stressful. He would've brought that to your door too.

I disagree that the ow owed you anything. You said several times your husband is able to talk you around and appears to be a sweet talker. It's obvious he used those skills on the ow and made out to her your marriage to be less than what it actually was.

Couples can move past affairs but 18 months? That is nearly a 2 year affair. He obviously got a thrill from being so manipulate. Good luck but I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated again.

I don't want to say anything, but IMHO the fact that he claimed it had finished but then carried it on is so much worse OP. It means all that he said at the time (and before that when he was doing it for a year) was insincere.

Gilbert yes I meant she knew he was married. She knew he had a young teen as well. I’m sorry, perhaps I’m being unreasonable, but I do blame her as well. I’m not exonerating Dh by any means, but he didn’t do it on his own. If she’d have turned him down, it wouldn’t make him a more honourable person, but it would’ve meant all the dreadful fallout wouid never have happened. He’d never done it before in all our years together. I know that I could never behave like that.

uk she didn’t owe me anything as such, but where is the decency? The doing the right thing?

NoMore yes I sometimes feel that that betrayal was more hurtful than the original one.

@TysonFurry.... You are probably already feeling overwhelmed by all the descriptions of infidelity experiences and advice offered. But I am going to add another couple of suggestions:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald
www.goodreads.com/book/show/10129682-how-to-help-your-spouse-heal-from-your-affair

I've not actually read it, but I know that it is often recommended and has been around for a long time. So, in your shoes, I'd read it. And see if anything resonates. And whether you husband has been doing any of these things, and/or whether you feel he would be willing to do the work suggested in this book.

Secondly, have a look at the Reconciliation forum at Surviving Infidelity and see how people struggle to reconcile with their cheaters. So sad - you'd want to shake them and tell them "Stop pretzeling yourself - you're worth more than this!!!"

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=4

An 18 month affair which would have continued if you hadn't discovered it is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Bottom line, as far as I'm concerned, if you think you can do it on your own, go for it.

Your brain is splitting its focus and trying to get you to focus on OW because it wants to prevent you from looking closely at your DH actions. Basically, it's a mechanism to keep you in denial. Which in itself is a clumsy way for your brain to protect you from the full impact of seeing the truth about your DH.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Denial is there for a reason, it has a function. If you need to stay in that denial place for a while, where you theorize about their relationship and think about the OW culpability, that makes sense. You're protecting yourself.

There will come a time when avoiding the truth starts to become more painful, than facing it. Just be mindful of that, do what you can to mitigate that upcoming pain.

The pain that is coming is the time when you realize just how completely your DH has obliterated the happiness you once had, and how callously he is treating you - I'd suspect that, if you stay in denial, this will take the form of him massively shafting you financially / practically, soon after your DS turns 18 (or a similar date). You'll then need to deal with both emotional turmoil and massive practical upheaval and it will be hugely traumatic.

So - stay in denial if you need to - but work on your financial and practical matters to limit that upcoming pain. Make a plan and follow through on it regardless of your emotions - you can keep feeling emotions while still mitigating that impact. See a solicitor. Discuss a post nup - will DH sign a document that guarantees you a settlement in potential future divorce, for example? Can you ring fence assets now, in case he checks out? This is the perfect time to get DH to put his money where his mouth is, because it will either (a) show you mean business, and motivate him to work on the marriage properly, or (b) protect you if he is bluffing you.

It's OK to be an emotional mess. It's not OK to leave yourself wide open to being fucked over, with your DS potentially being left to pick up the emotional pieces, etc. etc. Feel your feelings, but also take action. All the best. I'm sorry. x

While I understand your view of ow it really could have been anyone.

He was vulnerable to affair and she was available.

If he loved her he would have left. (He didn't)

Maybe ow had commitment issues so on some level it suited her.

But the pity you initially felt when meeting her was the correct one.

Yes, focus on OW makes it about her not him. If she hadn't been a slag then he wouldn't have cheated. The saucy lady made him do it. No.

He will have followed the script. He will have told her:

• the marriage is over in all but paperwork.
• you have not slept together in years.
• he only stays because of the children.
• if he left, you would have a break down, maybe suicide.
• you have mental health problems
• he never should have married you
• she is his soul mate
• he wishes desperately he could be with her
• all the ways in which you are a terrible mother, wife, person.

After you caught him he went out of his way to get back with her. He had 18months to put it back in his pants. He didn't.

You say you would never do anything like that. I bet when you were engaged to be married if someone had described your situation now you would have said you would never tolerate such behaviour. Yet here you both are. Talking to each other, finding ways to excuse him, each desperate to keep Mr Special.

I wouldn't be able get over it.
You might though.
No one else can really tell you op.
Sorry this has happened.

If it hadnt been her it would have been someone else. You seem to think if it wasn't for that woman, you'd still be happily married. The affair and the current state of your marriage is his fault alone. I wouldn't stay with him. Do you want this for the next 35 years too?