Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

Also of course he doesn’t want therapy! The. He would really look at who he is as a person and he doesn’t want to do that.
Because that is real fucking hard work.

Why would he bother when he can just placate you so his life doesn’t have to change

He loves me and ds unreservedly

I can't comment on him as a parent but he doesn't love you unreservedly.

He did something he knew would utterly break your heart. He lied about it and kept doing it.

I know you love him. But he doesn't deserve it. Love isn't always enough and you can't want it to work enough for both of you.

You need to walk away. This is driving you into obsession and depression. It will strip you of your confidence and mental health.

You can co-parent with him and still make your little one feel safe, loved and happy. You won't do that living in a house with parents who have the dynamic you two do.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I won't tell my long winded story but I will say you must look after yourself first and foremost.

Even if he is not fully conscience of it - he may be staying in part for the children, the finances and to avoid turmoil. I'm sorry, but I doubt it's out of undying love.

Looking back on my situation, I can now I was being 'managed' until child left for uni. There was no money involved - thank god.

No one can ever know the whole truth - except you - and you do know on some level. I did, and I wish I had had the courage to face up to my instincts and leave sooner.

More often than not - old relationships limp along and die eventually than re-boot. I find his refusal to seek counselling very suspect.

I think I wouldn't be able to get past that it ended cos you found out and if you hadn't, how long would have it continued?.

I'm sorry you are going this

Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly

He doesn’t love you unreservedly. He didn’t give you a second thought when he was balls deep in another woman for 18 months Seriously fuck him off. Once the trust is gone it’s doomed anyway! May not fail today or tomorrow but eventually the resentment will crush you! You’ll be forever looking over your shoulder.

OP - have you heard of Esther Perel?
Have a look at her book - ‘The state of the affair’ - it may give you a way to think about this situation from a different angle.
I think long marriages are hard. Certainly marriages that started when you were teens.
Most of those relationships don’t survive and the fact that yours lasted is a miracle.
But I also think you need an honest conversation about the reasons for the affair and that can only be done in a safe place, with a counsellor.
It is not unusual for people to have a very different view of their relationship. It doesn’t have to be a script. And again - this needs to be discussed in counselling.
It’s unlikely that you will get through this and start feeling better without it. His remorse in early days is only one component of what you needed as a family.
Open communication and an honest look at the relationship is also needed.

As to it being just sex - most likely it was. I assume both of you had very little sexual experience before getting together. So - it’s natural that after 35 years he wanted to try smth else - and midlife crisis where men feel they are loosing their virility is smack in the middle of it all.
Can you really say that after all these years you never wondered about sex with someone other than your H?
So - in that basis - I think I could understand and get over something like that.
But a new level of honesty would have been required for me. Like admitting that he wanted some sexual variety.
And in fact - I know a few couples in similar situations - long marriages, someone has an affair and it leads them to admit that there is a degree of sexual boredom after many years. And that was followed by opening up of the marriages.

Purr sorry you’re going through this too. I read the thread you linked to. The op sounds very strong but it also sounds as if her Dh is absolutely on board. Have you reached a decision about your situation?

ozzie I’ve asked so many times if he did what he did because I wasn’t good enough, I’ve told him he’s made me feel worthless/second best etc. He’s made the right noises but I think you’re right - he’s manipulative and weak, afraid of the fall out. Unfortunately I fear I’m weak too.

Aroundtheworld it is depressing, particularly his capacity for lying so fluently to, as you say, everyone. I asked the ow why, when she knew Dh was lying to me, she thought he wouldn’t lie to her. She said that she wasn’t accustomed to lies or liars, so believed him, and also that she wanted to believe him.

Sistine and Dingleberry what I meant by that was that Dh is saying those things. I actually do believe he feels that way about ds, not sure about me any more :(.

rosa thank you for your input - it sounds like you’ve had a similar issue. Glad you’re in a better place now.

Do not let fear for the future be the reason you stay. You are luckier than a lot of women in your situation in that you are in employment, albeit not a high earner. You have a child so will be in receipt of benefits and I am assuming you could get working tax benefits if I am correct. It has been a long marriage so starting point will be 50/50.
Once your child attains the age of 18 years the court will class him as independant. When it comes financially to rehousing if it comes to that you are in a better position to do that while your child is under 18. After that you will not be able to argue that you need a property large enough to rehome your child.

@MMmomDD
Eh? Really, you know it was probably just for sex do you?

I mean let’s say hypothetically it was just for sex. The OW didn’t think it was, so he LIED even more about that.
If the OP had contacted the OW and she’d confirmed they were just FWB and it meant nothing to either of them, then IMPO that’s a lot easier to get on with mentally.

But he was a cunt to both these women, and he has chosen the most convenient one to be with.
That’s what gets my goat with these men, they aren’t staying with the one they love, they’re staying with the route of LEAST resistance.

If the OW believed he loved her or at least believed what he said. Then that is the MOST troubling part of this whole shenanigan. Because that man is capable of lying to all the people who LOVE HIM

MM thank you. I suppose I have wondered idly what sex with someone else would be like, but never with the intention of going and finding out. Dh has a greater libido than I do, but I thought our sex life was fine.

Open communication and honesty is absolutely what we need. But I just don’t know if I will ever believe him again. He was beside himself from Dec 2018 to April 2019, made all sorts of declarations and promises - and all the white, he was back in touch with her. I believed him that he was sorry - finding him with that phone and knowing he was back in touch was almost worse than the initial discovery.

aroundtheworld you are right :(. Ow told me she truly loved him, he’d told her he loved her many times, begged her to trust and believe him (hah!), promised he’d never hurt her, told her a story about our relationship that I didn’t recognise. I asked her to prove all that by showing me texts - she said she never would because it would hurt me more than she already had and she didn’t want to do that.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known...

In my case it was just 5 months after nearly 40 years of marriage, having met at uni. I tried for years and there were times I thought we'd put it all behind us. But the fact is that cheaters only admit what you already know, and you'll never get the full story. Most never own what they did. They may profess remorse, but in most cases it's only skin deep. It's very easy to tell you that he loves you, but it is clear that you are not feeling it. Actions not words!

The part of your post that I have highlighted: this will be your life hence forward if you stay. Unless he has a St Paul on the road to Damascus type conversion...

Have a look at the Chumplady website. And get up to speed on divorce. And actually file. If anything will wake him up it is being served with a divorce petition. Ask me how I know.... Though in the end I chose to walk away despite his protestations and promises. Trust, once broken, is difficult to restore.

Hi op, I'm a decade down the line from finding out for sure, 12 years down the line from having suspicions. I have stayed because: he has always acknowledged I need to talk about it. He has never told me to "stop going on about it/get over it/why can't you just move on" etc.

There are many other reasons. But I am also not naive any more. I know once a dog bites, it will always be a dog that may bite me again. I know that words are pretty, but just so much air - even actions mean nothing sometimes. For all intents and purposes he seems committed- no more secret nights out or unexplained absences or text messaging....But I also know he could still be just a very, very skilled liar. I have come to re-love him in a different way - but he shattered what we had and he scarred me forever. He is a great father, which is why I stay, and also I know if I'd left I would still be happily alone as who can ever trust a man fully.again knowing how GOOD they are at lying.

If you stay - it will change everything you see and feel about him forever. Nothing will ever be the same again. It can be good - but that stable foundation of trust and love is no more. If you can do that, if you can live with never knowing for sure what he's up to, or that you will never know ever again inches really telling you the truth, it can work, in a way. But it will never be a truly full healthy relationship ever again.

I don't regret staying. I don't regret my decisions. We have a good life. He is a good friend....in some ways. I am at peace with that. But it's not for everyone, and even now I can still.get night terrors out of nowhere to blindside me with what happened, even 12 years down the line.

OP - I really think you’ll benefit from reading Esther’s book. She is a therapist who has worked with couples for years.
And I think it may give you some insight into what went on in his head.

It’s not easy, and most people with high libido would struggle to have sex with only one person for 35years. Even if it were great, sometimes people crave ‘otherness’.
And it’s not a reflection on how the sex was with you, or whether or not he loves you.

Given the story - it does seem more likely that a bit of sexual variety was a driving factor behind it. That’s what I meant it was just sex.
But however - as we are human, having sex with someone for a year+ creates some level of connection. So - they went for a few walks and dinners. And I am sure he talked to her about feeling unhappy or unfulfilled - and he probably did in a way.
Women seeng married men tend to think that if they talk about unhappiness in marriage - they’d leave. So those women often create some fantasy in their heads and see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear.
If your H wanted to leave you for her - he would have. It’s unlikely he promised he would. He could have moved out at the time of discovery.

It doesn’t mean you are second best, or he chose what’s easy. I am sure months after D-day were hell for him. He stayed because he wanted to be with you.

for you OP, I am so sorry to hear your story.

From my own experience, I know how devastating it is to be treated like this by your soul mate. It made me doubt myself, destroyed my self esteem and made me question all the years that we had spent together (happily I thought) up to that point.

However it is possible to rebuild your relationship and move on from here. But you need professional help such as counselling so that you can talk through the real issues behind this. Make this a condition from you of moving forward.

I think you should get some counselling for yourself and work through how you feel and what you want. I also think that, regardless of whether you choose to stay or not, it would be good for you to start to expand your own social circle - evening class/ Meetup groups etc.

Oh god OP, just leave him.

You're stronger than you think you are. Whilst you're with him, you're always going to think you cant live without him but I promise you that you can. You just need to do it. I'm sure at some ski t you've thought you couldnt do things as a mum but you've just had to push through and do them; it always works out. This is the same and you can do it.

I mean, how much more humiliation and betrayal do you want to accept? She tried to end it and he convinced her to stay... he wanted it. He kept in contact with her secretly, even whilst professing his love for you.... really think about that.
He wants his comfy home life because its easy, jot because he loves you. He still wants the bit on the side. You need to get some self repeat so maybe some counselling for you on your own but you need to leave him.

@TysonFurry

Despite the massive loss and undoubted pain and bewilderment that will come from ending your marriage, it will, in time, be the best thing you ever did.

You could stay in the perceived safe zone, stay in your marriage because you're scared to leave but all you are lining yourself up for is a life of sadness and mistrust. The betrayal is too big and even when he was apparently repentant and you believed this charade yet he was still playing about means you can never trust a word he says ever again. You'll always doubt him , always wonder and even good times will have a shadow on them. Hes done this. Not you. If you left him he'd fall apart and feel some of the pain he has inflicted on you. And he would deserve that.

Actions have consequences and he should be taught that while you break free, please be brave xxx

I don't have any advice as only you know what you can deal with but have some unMumsnetty hugs

The fact that he continued to lie to you after you first discovered the affair means that he wasn’t sorry. He’s refused to go to counselling even though you feel it might help. Remember it’s actions that count rather than words. He’s hoping he can continue to minimise and you’ll just fall into line.

I know you still love him but he’s an absolute scumbag. Don’t you think you deserve better? Have you told your friends and family about his cheating?

Thank you all for being kind and taking time to respond.

I know what I should do. Logically I know that the trust will never come back completely. I find myself contacting him more throughout the day than I used to just to see where he is. But I know there will have been occasions in the past when I’ve done that, and he will have lied. He won’t have been where he said he was, and he will have been with her.

So rationally, there is no choice. But I seem to have lost the ability to be rational. A bit like ow believing all he told hey because she wanted to, I am believing him now be wise I want to :(.

When I met up with her she told me that he never spoke of leaving me, that it was never on the cards.

Silent I haven’t told family as my dm is ill at the minute, plus they live a long way away. I don’t have many friends but I have told one or two of them. Like most of you they think I should leave. I’m not embarrassed to tell people as such - in fact in one of my angrier phases I told Dh I would tell everyone and ruin him . I meant it at the time but then realised the person who would suffer the most would probably be ds.

i would never forgive and forget, he is only sorry because he got caught

Divorce him OP, before your son is grown up!, before 18. After that you will get next to nothing. If he wants you both to work then you can date after that. But to me, you are leaving yourself open tobe shit on from an even greater height.

I discovered the affair 14 months ago and stayed with my husband, OP. Like you, we have been together a very long time. I think I am doing the best I can for myself and my family, but can't talk about it on here, as I said before. It is not black and white, not simple and obvious.

I don't think your husband is doing the right thing to help with the recovery process. Here is a video, which I found interesting, about the common mistakes cheating partners make when trying to help the marriage recover from their affair:

It sounds like your husband might be making some of these mistakes.

You have all my sympathy, and my best wishes for finding the right path for yourself.

OP - most marriages don’t break up after affairs. So - don’t force yourself to go one or the other way.
It’s really up to you what to do and you don’t need to justify it to anybody.
On MN the only ever advice is to leave, until it happens to them and suddenly people post ‘I always thought it’s a dealbreaker, but now can’t do it’.
That all said - you aren’t in a good place and you can really benefit from counselling. Individual and joint.