Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

Hello OP how you getting in lockdown? I'm in a similar situation to you and I'm finding being around H 24/7 really not very nice at all. I can do nothing now of course! Just thought I'd come back and see how you are coping in these very strange times.

Hello stop sorry for big delay in replying. I hope things are a bit easier for you at the minute.

It’s a very strange state of affairs just now. It sort of feels as if life is on hold until we can get past this whole coronavirus situation. I was doing ok putting my marriage on the back burner until last week when I got the results of my latest smear test. I’ve tested positive for hpv. No big worry really as I will just have to have another smear in a year instead of three years. But I’m angry because as far as I can tell from my reading Dh must have given it to me, having caught it from ow. Am I right in thinking that?

It's not certain, they've only just started testing routinely for HPV as I understand it, so you could've had it all along, or I think it's possible for the antibodies to recede (or whatever the right word is) and re-emerge. There are lots of threads on here about it.

It could be a new infection or it might not be.

If you have a quick search on here, people (more knowledgeable than me) have outlined it.

In any case, whether it is a new infection or not, it could've been - as could any other STD - and that's what cheating husbands risk their wives health with, which is another reason not to forgive imo.

@TysonFurry.... does it matter?

You could have contracted it via the most recent OW or a previous one. AFAIK, though I'm no expert, HPV can lie dormant for up to 20 years. You do the maths...

But if you're done, you're done. Personally I wouldn't get side-tracked into more agonising over this. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your future.

Thank you both. No it doesn’t matter really, just one more nail in the already heavily nailed coffin!

People don't necessarily get HPV from their partner cheating. Their partner (or themselves IDK) could've had it lie dormant for years. Most or a lot of people have it.

But given that you already know he's cheated, it could well be down to that.

@TysonFurry - I'm glad you feel it's an ornamental nail. I've felt that way about someone so I know it makes you even more certain you've done the right thing.

So, are you going to get rid of him//leave when you can? (Sorry if I've forgot stuff.)

“Ornamental nail” 😁, I like that.

Yes I think so No. I’m using this period of time to think and reflect. I’m trying to talk to him too but he’s being very resistant. Tbf our finances, which were never amazing but certainly adequate, have taken a hit like many peoples’. I’ve been furloughed. He is self employed so has had almost everything he’s got lined up cancelled. But despite that, I can’t really see a way back now.