Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

@YouJustDoYou are you still able to sleep with him? That's the part I wouldn't manage in your shoes. Interesting to hear your experiences.

Tyson google co dependency in relationships

I am in a long, long relationship (20yr+, since teens) and think they are a completely different beast to relationships in their first decade or so.

There are huge ups and downs in marriage and perhaps this is one of them. The question is whether you can deal with it in the context of the overall landscape.

MMmomDD speaks some truth. I am not entirely sure that people are meant to have several decades of monogamy.

“Not meant to have several decades of monogamy” doesn’t mean you have to fuck someone else in secret, lie, cheat, betray and blame.

I think it's all very easy as us as strangers to say what we would do in your situation but none of us are. These are decisions only you can make. From what I can tell I would force his hand on the counselling as that will help you see a future or not. You've stayed this long since finding out...a part of you must want it to work? And that's not me saying you should or not as at the end of day this is your situation and it's decisions that only you can make

Thank you for that link Purr, I’ll look at it shortly.

Am I unreasonable to ask Dh for detailed information about their sexual relationship? Do I really want to know? There are certain things he likes that I can’t bear to think of him doing with ow. He palms me off when I ask those sorts of questions, saying that I know they had sex and that’s all I need to know.

Am I unreasonable to ask Dh for detailed information about their sexual relationship? Do I really want to know? There are certain things he likes that I can’t bear to think of him doing with ow. He palms me off when I ask those sorts of questions, saying that I know they had sex and that’s all I need to know.

My counsellor said to me once (not just about relationships but life in general) to consider whether it is ever, ever worth asking a question if you know there's a possibility you couldn't cope with the answer.

I think you need to end this my love, you'll never know if you know the whole truth and you'll torture yourself picking at it for years to come.

Men like your husband love secrecy. I mean why the fuck do you think they had an affair in the first place
So your burdening all of this on your own shoulders
He SAID HE LOVED HER

HE SAID HE LOVED YOU.

He loves neither of you.

This crap about wanting to experience sex with others because you’re together so long. I mean WTAF.
So many apologists on this thread. Who’s husbands have said they LOVE OTHERS. FUCKED OTHERS.
But you know, they have a “history” and children and a nice life.

I swear to god. None of you would still be married if you didn’t have children. You Think this is “family” this is a man who won’t leave because of children.
Look at the total raw shit of it, if you still love each other totally after he doesn’t 18 months LOVING someone else then go for your life.

She believed what she wanted and you believe what you want.

In the long run, she wins.

And when I mean she wins, she escapes this this shit.

Esther Perez is the best thing you can read if you think people treating you like a cunt is ok.

Perel. I should say.
Anyway.

I had an affair. I had zero respect for my DH. I couldn’t give a fuck about him whilst someone else was fucking me. None what so ever. I didn’t want to lose my house.
I didn’t want to lose my life and my friends. I didn’t want to live on my own.
Losing those really scared me. But you know, I left. Because I didn’t love him and I couldn’t lie.
So I know what it’s like to be the cunt. And to stop being the cunt. And I wouldn’t lie ever again.

These are all stories of different lives. Not Op’s.
And how many of you have had sex with only one person for 35years? And possibly no one else ever. (I am guessing here, OP, maybe you two weren’t each other’s first)

However - unless you had that long monogamous 35year sexual relationship - you don’t get to tell the OP that she needs to leave. Or that monogamy over those many years while in sexual prime should be easy.
It isn’t. And also not really natural...

And OP - you really don’t need to know about the kind of sex he had. Assume he had all kinds of sex he enjoys - oral and penetrative - otherwise why would he go outside of marriage to start with.
As to people who say - why he lied ...:
Imagine the conversation where he were honest:

• W, I feel the need to sleep with more than own person in over 35 years. I love you but really want to experience sexual variety. What do you think ...

This isn’t a conversation that is really possible.

@Josuk
Is that a joke?
Personally it’s not about the sex it’s about the lying. It’s about saying you love someone else when you don’t love them? Or saying they love you when they love someone else?
I mean who actually knows??

It’s the love aspect that’s difficult to deal with. Not sex. And if you want to fuck someone out of your “35” year marriage. Why not ask?

And FYI I’ve never told the op to leave. I know the op won’t leave.
People like her never leave.

My advice, separate from your hubs, you need space and time to think without him living in the same household. Second, find yourself a counsellor, this will help you discover what it is you want. Take each day as it comes, you set the pace.

@josuk

You talk crap. Some people really place value on longevity, on resisting the temptation life throws at us and committing to one person. My parents did, for 55 years. My DH parents did, similar time frame. I plan to! Nearly 20 years in and I do not in any way shape or form want sex with anyone other than my deliciously sexy husband! It IS natural , raise your bar.

I hope OP leaves because I truly think her DH has destroyed their marriage with what hes done. But I agree with above poster, that she probably wont

These are all stories of different lives. Not Op’s

^

This. Perhaps some people’s experience or thoughts are helpful. But I don’t think people should be telling OP what to do. I would imagine some people can work through different things, others less so. It’s often just a reflection of who they are, not necessarily right or wrong. The whole FWB thing I find v cold and strange, but some people think it’s great.

@aroundtheworldyet

Not a joke. Reality.
As a society we aren’t yet there for people to be able to ask for an open marriage.

And it is absolutely about sex. He had a higher libido and wanted to experience some variety. He probably ended up liking his affair partner - and complained about his marriage, no doubt - but he never said he is going to leave OP. Affair partner developed her own fantasy view of the relationship and believed it.
He clearly loves his W. But as I said before - having sex with only one person over this long period time is difficult. And impossible for most people. Most crave variety.

So - not sure why this one experience of it should lead to erasing a long life together. He made a mistake, he wants to set it right - why not let him.

He clearly loves his W. But as I said before - having sex with only one person over this long period time is difficult. And impossible for most people. Most crave variety.

Well Josuk is one of few that is advocating staying in the marriage. But in her world he will pretty obviously have more affairs. Are you ok with that Op.

My own view is that 18 months is just to long to forgive. A quick shag - yes I probably would. Maybe even a short affair. But not 18 months. It is just too long.

I’m so sorry OP.

The fact that you’re questioning whether to leave him or not makes me sad. He’s not only cheated on you but had a full on relationship with another woman he loved or convinced her he did. He doesn’t love you at all. If you loved someone you wouldn’t do that.

Seriously.

He's been very good at convincing you both, hasn't he.

If he 'won't' go to counselling, then you go to counselling. hear another voice other than his. Because he seems very good at weaving a web around your - and ow's - head. At the moment I think you're falling for it because, as you say, you want to.

I'm so sorry he has betrayed you so badly

Bloody hell. He is a master at manipulating women. He should write a book.

You are even contemplating getting him to re-live the sexual shenanigans he had with the side chick. Blow by blow. Blimey. What will you be wearing?

Have you been to visit Chump Lady?

Theory of maintaining cake?

Read around her site.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

I am in the same position OP. Caught husband of 30 years. It is over a year now . I cant leave just yet due to being carer of elderly relative. And the longer it goes on , the easier it is to stay , just living in the house.
My DH was extremely remorseful, went to counselling, desperate to get back to " normal ".

And I still torture myself daily with thoughts of all the lies , deviousness. And ask questions about the sex , where did you go, etc... He hates it as he says that it will only upset me. And probably because he feels guilty al over again.

Counselling said it would only work if I could put it. behind me and go forward with a " new " marriage.
But I don't think I can.

It really is so awful , isn't it. ?They bring this shit into our lives ( and the OW ) and we are the ones suffering the most.
I know how hard it is for you. Not as simple as people say that you should just leave him. My main issue is financial and I never thought it would be. But long term marriage is complicated and being older makes it harder to see how you can support yourself.
No opinion as to what you should do. But I wanted you to know that you are not alone .And to wish you well.

Will you ever get over it? No. Not completely. Learn to live with the knowledge and the double checking, wondering where he is etc. Or end it.

That's the options.

I am sorry for your pain, OP. Didn’t you have a thread about this last year?

This man has no integrity and I wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He led a double life and fooled you and his child for 18 months, and it would have gone on indefinitely. In the first months after discovery he seemed so remorseful and repentant, but that was a big lie. In fact, he tricked you by getting a secret second phone so he could continue with OW. He is capable of great deception, and he conned both you and OW to serve his ego.

If you have “reached the point of splitting 6 times,” then this is a toxic environment for your son and a poor relationship model.

I would seek the support individual counseling to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and gain clarity.