To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

OP I would get this moved to Relationships

I think it was unfortunate and he behaved badly but I would not keep going over it with him. If this behaviour repeats itself then you have a problem. If it was a one off because he was feeling worn down then in the interests of your marriage, I would try to forgive him.

Oh yes sorry, how do I request that it be moved?

He pushed you?

Report your own post and ask for it to be moved

he pushed you? he needs to be getting some anger management help for that temper
and you need to decide if he pushes you ( or hits you) what you are going to do

Personally this would be the beginning of the end for me I wouldn't end it immediately after this but I would be very wary about still being in this type of relationship come Christmas

If he does it again dont say you want ds to remove yourself from him just say you need ds for a nappy change or something then remove yourself

He pushed you. That’s a huge red flag OP. The rest of it I could move past- we all lose the rag sometimes, but the physical loss of control is massively worrying.

He behaved badly, no question, but is it possible you asking to ‘remove’ DS upset him? Did he perhaps feel like you didn’t trust him with his own child? That would make me furious as a parent and whilst pushing you is never okay, I can see why that would set his temper off if that is the reason. Assuming your DP is DS’s Dad, then he has as much right to hold him as you do and whilst you felt he was ‘withholding’ him from you, did DP feel like you were ‘taking’ him from him?

That being said if he ever does that again in response to an argument I’d take your child and leave.

You feel like this because a line was crossed. You have seen a different side to him and it has scared you.

I’m struggling as to why you would remove a baby from the father, you were both arguing. Your attitude that a father holding baby was a red line, why is this - both of you are parents

Pushing is out of order

Humm
That he pushed you is bad.

But...
You should have walked away without demanding to take DS. And you walked towards him for what? To take DS from him?
Did his "kind of rage" justify you taking DS from him? You say "the situation" but the situation were the two of you. I can't see why he shouldn't stay with the child.
Because at face value it seems an unnecessary and aggressive attitude on your part to me. And the push could be defensive, even if too forceful.

You say that withholding DS from you will not be tolerated. Why? Is he not his dad? Is that something you usually do?

I have to agree with both @BlueMoon1103 and @ivykaty44 ...

No I wouldn't tolerate the pushing, and I'd be aware that him losing control is now a possibility.

But I also don't get why you needed to take the baby when both of you were arguing. If DH tried to take DD off me when we were both arguing that would make me even more mad, he's her parent as much as I am.

Why does he have to just hand over DS beacuse you say so? What gives you more right to walk away with him then your husband?
If my partner told me to hand over my child in the above scenario I wouldn’t.
You then were going to try to physically grab him from his hands. I don’t blame him for pushing you.

You say he’s usually easy going, his reaction sounds like something’s been brewing for him: “Why do you always have to escalate everything.”

He crossed a line in pushing you back and getting cross but things don’t happen in a vacuum. He needs to deal with his reaction and why his emotions built up but you should also think about how you interact with him. The initial conversation you describe almost sounds like a teacher to a child.

When he rolled his eyes it might not have been aimed at you but at the “chore”. You could have said I’m not exactly keen to go myself rather than turn it into something aimed at you or you could have ignored it particularly if he’s normally not like that and laid back as you say.

Not excusing his behaviour but I wouldn’t put it all on him.

Do you both work?

You should've just walked away. As long as he wasn't angry (which it sounds like he initially wasn't) just walk away.

He wasn’t really withholding DS from you. I can’t see why you wanted to remove DS from him.

The push is a big problem.

Why did you get to insist on taking his child?

Op

From what you have described in your post & I only have that to go on

You are coming across as the “superior” parent and your threats of ending a marriage over not getting the child both of you are parents to is very, patronising and condescending

If I was in your dh shoes today I would be feeling like I wasn’t part of an equal relationship or parent

You may have apologised but it would certainly leave me with an inferiority complex & sadness that I’m not good enough to be a parent

Obviously I only have the pist to go on

I think you speak to him like a naughty ten year old.

Pushing you isn't ok but tbh it sounds like you actually made the situation worse by telling him to hand over DC and moving towards him to take them by force I presume? Sounds like he wasn't angry until then and I don't see why you felt the need to take ten Dc. He's just as much of a parent as you

Also I actually think the "don't roll your eyes at me comment" was inflammatory I had an abusive ex who used to behave similar say things like that to wind me up and upset me and then when it turned into a row I was the bad one. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I assume as she was calm and he had exploded in to shouting - why would anyone leave a 1 Yr old baby in the arms of a person who had suddenly exploded in to enraged shouting? At pretty much nothing either.

I seriously don't understand some of these responses! If my ex had "exploded" into a "rage", I would have removed myself and my child as well...... especially if it was out of character, flashed from nowhere and was escalating.

OP didn't cause the rage by asking to take her DS. The husband was in a rage while still holding the child. The OP clearly wanted to take her DS away from someone who had lost control of their temper.
Most people would be the same.

You asking to take DS enraged him further but what else could you do? I wouldn't feel safe if my child was in the arms of someone raging at me either.

YANBU to be cautious in future. If he does it again then that's definitely a red flag.

Why did you not just remove yourself ? Why did you feel the need to take the child too?