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Relationships

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Original poster

To still feel upset about this argument with DH

209 replies

grangeranger · 08/03/2020 07:15

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

OP posts:

WatcherintheRye · 08/03/2020 08:33

The more I think about the initial exchange, the more convinced I become that the dynamic in your relationship is not a healthy one, op. Everything is hunky dory, you suggest a grocery shop, dh rolls eyes and sighs, you tell him not to roll his eyes at you, he then 'exploded'. You do describe him as you might a stroppy teenager. What does 'exploded' actually mean in your terms? It sounds as though you tolerate very little in the way of dissent from your dh.

ivykaty44 · 08/03/2020 08:34

Shamazing They were both arguing, just because someone is louder or quieter doesn’t mean they aren’t arguing. It’s pretty insulting to try and remove a child from a parent and likely to escalate at that point

LemonTT · 08/03/2020 08:34

I understand the responses agreeing that the OP should set and articulate her boundaries. This usually doesn’t happen at this stage of a relationship. Those boundaries are set and known in a healthy relationship. They don’t need to be said in this situation. How and when the OP has asserted undermines the statement. She was either being bossy or she was raising a much bigger issue about his general lack of respect.

Like others have said there is a far bigger problem at issue here.

Shamazing · 08/03/2020 08:34

Some of these replied read like the poster thinks the OP deserved a good shove because she suggested going to the shops. FFS.

FortunesFave · 08/03/2020 08:36

Why does he have to just hand over DS because you say so? What gives you more right to walk away with him then your husband?

Erm....because he'd violently pushed the OP WHILST HOLDING THE BABY!!!

Did you not read it properly or are you a fool?

Lweji · 08/03/2020 08:37

Some of these replied read like the poster thinks the OP deserved a good shove because she suggested going to the shops. FFS.

You should learn how to read then.

ivykaty44 · 08/03/2020 08:37

lampsandrain I agree with you, speaking to someone like a Teacher talking to a 10 year old is going to destroy a partnership 😐

Lweji · 08/03/2020 08:38

Erm....because he'd violently pushed the OP WHILST HOLDING THE BABY!!!

Did you not read it properly or are you a fool?

Read the OP again. Then apologise.

ivykaty44 · 08/03/2020 08:38

FortunesFave Op asked for the baby before being pushed, so that can’t be the reason she asked for the baby as it hadn’t happened

Shamazing · 08/03/2020 08:40

Agreed, they were both arguing, however I do think there's a difference between someone yelling and someone at least trying to remain calm. I absolutely cannot deal with people yelling, I just can't think straight if someone is shouting at me. And as soon as it gets to that point I think that they've lost it and can't be arsed with them. I also think yelling and being aggressive towards someone whilst holding a baby is awful, I'm surprised so many on here seem to think it's ok. (Though I also think that the OP should just have walked away at that point).

lampsandrain · 08/03/2020 08:40

I don’t think that at all, shamazing - I’ll be totally honest though and admit I’d be angry if I was rebuked and chastised for an eye roll.

I think if that sort of thing is typical (and sorry OP - I really can just imagine it.)

‘DH, please don’t roll your eyes at me.’
‘DH, when you have finished in the shower, please put the towels back.’
‘DH, please don’t be so noisy when you come in.’

On the face of it, they are reasonable requests but they can be expressed in a manner that isn’t only patronising but also manage to communicate that this is ‘your’ space, ‘your’ child, and you are the one ‘in charge.’

Depending on how articulate the husband is or isn’t it can be very difficult to argue against, even for people with high levels of intelligence and who are able to express their feelings well. You come against the wide-eyed, ‘I only asked you to stop rolling your eyes. Now come on, get your wallet, we need to go to Tesco.’ It’s incredibly stifling and leads to resentment and anger.

He was wrong, very wrong, to push. It’s up to OP what she does next. But I think he spluttered and was exasperated rather than in a full on rage. A lot of the time, that’s not real anger - it’s displaying anger because you know if you say ‘I feel angry when you ask me not to roll your eyes at you.’ he’d probably get a crisp, ‘Don’t be silly.’

CookPassBabtridge · 08/03/2020 08:41

Me and DP had arguments like this when we had really young kids. We'd never had them before in 8 years (both super chilled people) and then had the occasional fight like this and it was awful (both at blame) for about 2 years and then nothing for the last 2 years now the kids are out of tiny child stage.
If everything is normally good then I'd put it down to the stresses of babies.

lampsandrain · 08/03/2020 08:41

Actually lweji I do think you’re minimising what happened, even though I agree with you with some of it.

Even if op had been right in his face yelling and screaming, the shove wasn’t OK.

Original poster

grangeranger · 08/03/2020 08:42

Thank you for all of your replies - the perspective is really helpful.

I asked to take DS because DH had already lost control - he was shouting and behaving in a way that was really unusual for him. I thought that removing myself from the situation would be the best way to de-escalate it, but I wasnt willing to do that without DS. In hindsight, that did probably make it worse. Looking back, I can rationally see that DH was not a danger to DS, but in the heat of the moment I was unnerved by his behaviour.

Lots of people have picked up on the dynamic - we are very equal parents. We both spend a lot of time alone with DS and both do an equal share of the housework/life admin. I don't think DH will have felt that me asking to take DS would have been me questioning his parenting or "right" to be holding his son, but I obviously can't speak for how he feels. I would have expected him to say the same to me if I had lost my temper.

On the eye rolling and sighing - I recognise that this isn't the end of the world, it's just a form of communication that I really don't like and find quite disrespectful. We've spoken about it before and he knows it pushes my buttons - there are other ways in which I communicate which he doesnt like and I've done my best to adapt how I communicate so that its effective for him. I thought that was how a normal relationship was.

I don't feel I was walking towards him in a threatening or aggressive way - I am physically much smaller than he is. It was more in an "arms out" to DS kind of way. The push was hard enough to move me quickly backwards but I didn't fall over.

I definitely didnt handle the situation perfectly. But usually we resolve minor spats very quickly and effectively and don't think more about them. Its unlike me to dwell so some external perspective is really helpful.

OP posts:

Shamazing · 08/03/2020 08:42

@Lweji ooo what a burn ... (if you're 10 of course)

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 08/03/2020 08:42

He was wrong to push you. But if someone came at me to forcefully remove my child from my arms I would push them away.
So I do not class that as a sue in any way.

I think you've painted yourself as very passive and perfect here and I don't believe it.
I think you were very goady towards him.

Maybe your relationship is just at an end.

WatcherintheRye · 08/03/2020 08:44

Some of these replied read like the poster thinks the OP deserved a good shove because she suggested going to the shops. FFS.

I don't think anyone has come anywhere close to suggesting that

just5morepeas · 08/03/2020 08:46

He pushed you. That’s a huge red flag OP. The rest of it I could move past- we all lose the rag sometimes, but the physical loss of control is massively worrying.

I agree with this.

It'd probably be the beginning of the end for me. Can you ever trust him again? If he doesn't understand that he completely lost control I'd be thinking about ending it before things escalated - or at least seeking counselling for you both, or even just for you if he won't go.

Lweji · 08/03/2020 08:46

Even if op had been right in his face yelling and screaming, the shove wasn’t OK.

Yelling and screaming in his face are not the same as trying to take a child from him.
Taking a child without the cooperation of the other person is aggressive, and not safe for the child. This alone makes me wonder what the OP was thinking in walking towards him.
Pushing in this case is defensive.

Shamazing · 08/03/2020 08:46

@lampsandrain, I agree with some of what you say but I really don't think anyone on here can say this -

But I think he spluttered and was exasperated rather than in a full on rage

The OP has given her account and with every single other post on here we either believe it or we think she's over-egging it to suit her narrative. Regardless if it was rage or exasperation, he was holding a baby when he pushing the OP. Neither of those things is acceptable to me.

Upsiedasie · 08/03/2020 08:47

I think you’re trying to make yourself seem more innocent in this than you are.

You sound quite patronising towards him - ie. ‘calmly’ asking him to do things. Added to that, you told him you would end the relationship if he didn’t hand over your joint child. It seems like you were just trying to win the argument and get one up on him. Hand on heart, did you think he was a danger to your son in that situation? That’s the only reason you had to demand your child back.

Also you gloss over what you said to him in the argument. You said there were more cross words and you had lost your temper too. Were you any more fit to take the child.

On the other hand, he was 100% wrong with the push and definitely overreacted with the shouting. He should have been (and seemed like he was) mortified by his actions. Does he have form for this? If it’s a one off, I would be able to move past it. If it’s a pattern of behaviour I would be considering whether I wanted my children growing up in the toxic environmebt your arguments cause.

All in all, I think you’re both in the wrong. He will get slated here (probably rightly so) because he crossed the line WAY more than you did but I think you should consider your actions too.

Lweji · 08/03/2020 08:48

@Shamazing
It's 10 year olds who don't apologise when they're in the wrong.

LemonTT · 08/03/2020 08:49

The nasty element of this exchange happens when she asks for the baby. He says no. She advances towards him. How did she think she was going to get the baby? How did he think she was going to get the baby? In his shoes I would have assumed she was going to wrestle the baby from me. Most people would have backed down at this point. But these two didn’t.

I would certainly have put a hand up to someone advancing towards me. A push could not have happened without the hand first being raised. Would I have pushed if they continued to advance. I would like to think not. I would also Not have advanced in this situation. It’s threatening.

Billben · 08/03/2020 08:49

*Erm....because he'd violently pushed the OP WHILST HOLDING THE BABY!!!

Did you not read it properly or are you a fool?*

The only person who comes across as a fool here, is you 😂 Have you gone back and realised your mistake yet?

CaptainJamesTKirk · 08/03/2020 08:50

I’m not going to comment on the pushing, he shouldn’t have pushed you simple as that. But I’m wondering... does your DH feel that since the birth of your child you’ve started treating him like a child. I say this because I was guilty of this initially when my DS was born. The “don’t you roll your eyes at me” is something a mother would say to a child, not to her DH. I think you really need to talk to DH about this, you triggered this, have you been behaving like this a lot? Has it happened so often that he snapped? Also threatening to end your relationship because you felt you were the one who needed to walk away with his child (yes it’s his child too). What makes you the one who gets to threaten and take the child? He was angry, we all get angry, and you’ve acknowledged he was no threat to your child.

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