To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

I don’t think it was acceptable to push her no matter what she was doing, but I do think OP wasn’t totally blameless. That’s not me victim blaming. I think until the push, she was in the wrong, though.

How long have you known him OP? Is he really such an easy-going guy or are you minimising? Could it be that it's a major slip-up but so completely out of character that it can be worked on. If my husband pushed me, I think I'd have to end it. He's much bigger and stronger than me and I wouldn't want to risk it escalating. I think your husband needs to show a lot of remorse and be able to demonstrate why this won't happen again but I think he will.

What did the OP intend by walking towards him but to take the child from him despite he not giving the child to her?
The push was equivalent and a response to that physical action.
He didn't punch or slap the OP. He prevented her from taking DS.

I'm usually a LTB person, but I'm not sure in this case.

What's the back story?
I don't really believe that the eye rolling caused this escalation including the DH pushing OP completely out of nowhere. Something at a lower level has happened before.

Also, wheni our dc were young, we avoided family outings to do grocery shopping at all costs! I usually went on my own for some 'me' time , while dh looked after dc. I think I'd roll my eyes and sigh at the prospect of taking a 1yr old grocery shopping tbh!

How hard did he push you? Did you fall over, or did he hold out his hand to stop you and then give you a little shove to keep you away that just stopped you in your tracks?

I CANNOT believe the apologists on here!!

Nothing she did 'caused' his reaction. He has to own that.
I admire how you have calmly stated your clear and reasonable boundaries both during and after the argument. Do not let PP make you question yourself.

The threat was not physical to him but to his sense of self as an equal parent. I am not excusing the violence but I honestly think if a minor disagreement about groceries escalates this quickly then there are bigger issues at play. It very quickly became about who should have the child and the marriage was put at stake on that point.
That is why the OP feels like she cannot move past it. She has asserted that she will not tolerate physicality (correctly) but also that she should be given DS when she asks (questionable if the marriage is a partnership). My point is that the argument very quickly became about the child and the marriage which are existential issues.

Surely once a person holding a child starts shouting, they have already lost control and as the other parent you have every right to remove the child from the situation. He could have walked away himself!

I would absolutely have removed my child from that situation.

I'd like to know what you were really arguing about.

I might ask my DH to go to the shops with me, and he would roll his eyes, but then I'd say stop rolling your eyes and get your shoes on and that would be it and we would be laughing.

So I think you need to know what you are really arguing about - what is it about your relationship and the way you communicate with each other that makes it all kick off so badly? And what on earth were you actually arguing about in the first place.

Shouting doesn’t have to mean standing roaring and bellowing. Shouting can mean a raised voice.

You shouldn't be raising your voice at the other parent whilst holding your child.

Sorry I meant to say? I think he will push you again. I can't believe a minor disagreement escalated so quickly. What is really going on in the background??

An unpleasant exchange that was caused by two peoples poor behaviour. Even though this is her version, I am unsettled by the OP’s attitudes. She wasn’t treating her husband as an equal.

Eye rolling is a non verbal communication. Not mature or effective but it is a way of saying something. A reasonable response is to ask why they did it. Not to jump straight to a rather patronising censor of another adult. I don’t know many couples, happy ones, who would jump to that reply. What should sound assertive doesn’t. You can say it as calmly as you want but that is a confrontational and angry reply.

After that both just get more and more petty. I agree the Op should not have demanded the child who isn’t her possession. I also think it fair enough to put a hand out to some one advancing towards you, when they have indicated that they shouldn’t.

Why did you get to insist on taking his child? You wouldn't want to remove your child from someone who was yelling (or as the OP says, exploded) while holding them @InfiniteSheldon?

He didn't punch or slap the OP. Oh well, that's fine then. Because walking towards someone and pushing someone are exactly the same things.

OP, I don't think you handled the situation particularly well. But the pushing is a massive issue IMO and I can't believe some posters are trying to make you think otherwise.

I'd want to get to the bottom of what he meant by 'why do you always escalate everything?' It could be that he's trying to pick an argument, and flared up (thus showing a side of himself that you don't normally see) and the push was the top of a slippery slope.

Or it could be that, like my ex-husband, you were picking on a normal facial expression (I used to get 'why are you making THAT face?' When I wasn't aware I was making any face at all, or using any tone, or sounding like 'that' or whatever) and you have tendencies to try to control how he feels about things.

Only you can know really. Arguments escalate. I just wish I'd had the guts to shout back at my XH and ask him to justify what he meant by 'don't pull that face at me'. Maybe a bloody good argument would have shown him how ridiculous he was being.

So I think you need to talk to him and ask him what he REALLY meant by his comment.

WatcherintheRye I have to agree that I cannot understand why everything has to be a ‘family outing’ like shopping, attending hospital etc. I also agree with a previous poster who said that maybe the DH was rolling his eyes at going shopping rather than the OP herself.
OP, I think you may need to get on with your day and try not to dwell on yesterday’s argument. I realise that you are upset but hopefully it was a one off incident, especially as you say your DH is normally easy going.

Personally I'd never stay with anyone who pushed me hard. Or who started shouting at me while holding DS. I would not forgive that.
However in another normal world I have never dragged the whole family to the supermarket. It's pointless and stressful. One or other of us would have gone shopping leaving DS with the other one. I always thought shopping as a family was the ultimate in misery. Id rather just zip round on my own.

Does he admit that he pushed you away when you were nowhere close to him trying to grab your son? Because in such usual situation, the push happens when the person is the one pushing about trying to get hold of the child.

You had no right to demand that he gave you your child. Why should he have? He is not more your child than his. From what you describe, you certainly created the conflict.

Whether he acted wrongly by pushing you when you were no threat at all, or he did so because you we're after him to grab your son, no one here can say.

This is not the end of the world though, it happens. You both need to reflect as to why things escalated so drastically and consider what step to take in the future.

I have to say that if my OH went mad everytime I roll my eyes, we would be at each other's throats most days.

He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation.

The threat was not physical to him but to his sense of self as an equal parent.

You are playing the martyr OP.

OP’s acknowledged her dh isn’t normally like that. She describes herself as being “calm”. He might say she was “curt”. She says he exploded and he might say he was being emphatic in response to her curt. She says she walked towards him and he might say she tried to grab their son and he was stopping her grabbing him.

The OP doesn’t say her son was crying or upset during any of this. If her husband was so enraged chances are the baby would have been upset but OP doesn’t mention him being upset or that she wanted to take the baby away to calm him down.

She talks about the baby being withheld from her as the issue rather than causing the baby distress as being the issue.

This is more about OP’s control. Could see how that might have been escalating for her husband and now the OP has used the ultimate threat to punish rather than protect.

@LemonTT where does the OP say that her DH 'put his hand out'? She says he 'pushed her hard backwards'. There's a massive, massive difference. I don't think anyone should downplay when they are deliberately pushed, and I certainly think that pushing someone whilst holding a baby is appalling.

The initial physical unreasonable response was the OP walking towards him to take the child despite the fact he had told her no and he was no threat to the child at all.

How would any of us react if our partners tried to take our 1 year old from us during barely an argument just because we shouted?
We'd be up in arms.

Most people tend to minimize their own actions and exaggerate others'. In most cases the other person is so unreasonable that it doesn't matter. In this case, that rule may mean that the OP is the unreasonable one. Because even from her description, she had the first physical unreasonable reaction.
You just needed to walk away from the argument yourself.

a year ago my dh pushed me infront of dd. it was the beginning of the end. i moved out last week. it never got physical again but i couldnt forgive him, felt frightened every time there was a row and never knew if i was coming or going with his moods.

The pushing isn't on. At all.

However you sound really hard work, when you live with someone your going to argue sometimes.

Unless your husband has form for abuse or aggression then forcing his child from him is extremely dramatic and you are the one who escalated it by insisting his own child wasn't safe with him.