To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

I didnt lose my cool until he had pushed me and probably should have just walked away at that point rather than threatening to end the marriage.

Yes you should, but that still does not excuse him pushing you hard backwards. Ever. Don't let anyone convince you that that is acceptable or normal, it's not.

I didnt lose my cool until he had pushed me and probably should have just walked away at that point rather than threatening to end the marriage

@grangeranger If someone (as he was) is physically violent to you, then the right thing to do is at least threaten to end the relationship- what other response is there?

You couldn'tve gone on as if that was ok.

@Lweji the post says 'he pushed me hard backwards.'

@Lweji sorry - I missed your question. I felt that it was an aggressive rather than a defensive push, as in, it propelled me backwards pretty forcefully but I didn't fall over.

Are you saying that he leaned or walked towards you to push you? I presume you were both standing?
If that's the case, then it's unacceptable.

Although, when you should have walked away by yourself was before the push. He had said no to you taking the child and you escalated it, instead of defusing it. In fact, unless you were going to do something that involved the child, asking for him was already pushing the argument to pettiness.
Your reaction after the push is more understandable.

You are the one who was there.
If you felt attacked aggressively rather than just kept away, you are the best judge. Certainly better than any of us.

If it's totally out of character, it could be awkwardness or misjudgment, but it's certainly at least a yellow flag.
If he is a good guy, you'll be able to talk about it and analyse together where things got wrong.
If things escalate like this again, then for the sake of all of you it's best if you parent separately.

I don't understand.

Why are you more entitled to hold DS, than he is?

You are both equal parents.

@shamazing.
There's real feminism and then there's pitch fork crew... I think I know which one your in. 🙄

@Lweji I was walking towards him, arms outstretched for DS who was reaching for me. He turned, putting his body between me and DS and pushed with his other hand. We were both standing.

He shouldn’t have pushed you back OP but in the heat of the moment you walking towards your son with arms outstretched is a passive aggressive move. It’s natural for your son to stretch out for you too regardless of what’s happening.

It sounds like it became a battle of wills and a power struggle. Your husband crossed a line by becoming physical but he must have been anticipating that even though he had said no to passing over his son to you, you were going to attempt to take your son anyway.

Imagine if it was the other way round OP, if you were holding your son and your husband wanted him, you refused and he started to walk towards you arms outstretched anyway?

It’s never going to end well.

But I wouldn’t despair, parenting can bring out the absolute best and the absolute worst in ourselves. Talk it through but maintain perspective on both sides.

From that description it sounds more like a protective/defensive move than aggressive. He took the step of shielding the child by turning.
Not great, but not exactly in Bastard category. Certainly not violent abuser.

I'm not surprised you were shocked, although it doesn't seemed like you felt scared.

Again, yellow flag, discuss with him like adults, another instance of physical confrontation between you two, particularly involving your child, then it's time to part.

@JustFamily Really? Because I think someone pushing their partner is unacceptable?

@Lweji oh yes I definitely wouldn't put DH in the category of violent abuser - but he did cross a line for me. I wasnt scared, I was angry!

I wasn't saying you did. Others have.

What exactly were you angry about? That he attacked you, or that he wasn't letting you take the child?
You don't need to answer here. But I think it's helpful if you reflect on it.

Have you asked him how he felt when you went for the child?

@shamazing Of course it's unacceptable, not one person has said he was ok to push her... it hardly equates to him then moving on to child or spousal abuse.

He was violent though which is abusive
No violence is ever acceptable

I can't believe the people on here desperately trying to justify an angry man who then shoves his wife. And we wonder why domestic violence is rife. Because 'she deserved it'.

If it was the other way round, the OP was holding her son and riled by her husband and he asked to take his son from her and she refused and he ignored her, started to walk towards her arms outstretched, she would most likely have done the same thing, turned around and pushed him back with her other arm.

it hardly equates to him then moving on to child or spousal abuse.

I think you're getting me confused with someone else @JustFamily. Where did I say, or imply, that I'd may lead to child abuse?

*it

@cheesandpinespple gives sensible advice OP

From your update OP, you describe yourself as angry not frightened, and that DH was v likely being protective of DS to what he perceived as an angry physical approach from you whilst DS was in his arms. Right or wrong, on reflection you can see you were party to escalating this incident.

Domestic abuse is a serious matter and it doesn't help when PPs erroneously call everything that, out of context and without understanding what DA actually is. It does a disservice to abuse survivors and the very real hidden issue. It doesn't sound That either parent was happy with how they handled it. It falls under 'don't do it again, make more calming choices' for both parties.

OP’s husband had lost control of his temper and was holding their DS.

Their DS was reaching out for OP (probably because he was scared of his father’s shouting).

OP reaches back for DS and her husband turned his back and pushed her away.

If the husband was a decent parent in that situation he ought to know that if he’s so angry he’s capable of getting physical with someone then he shouldn’t be holding a child.

It’s really weird and disturbing how invested some on this thread are in defending the husband’s actions.

The issue is not that the OP bruised her husband’s dad-ego by responding to her child who was reaching out for her. The issue is the the husband got physical with the OP while holding a child. He was out of order and if I was OP I’d be on high alert.

@Sparticuscaticus Domestic abuse is a serious matter and it doesn't help when PPs erroneously call everything that, out of context and without understanding what DA actually is

Pushing is violence. This is probably often how worse stuff starts, or either way it isn't good. I've only had one partner slap me lightly on the face and I felt very disturbed by it, I knew it was wrong, and felt I had to dump him. I don't think I've ever had anyone push me during an argument.

@grangeranger If someone had pushed me, I'dve felt as disturbed as you do OP. You know it's wrong. If you feel you still want to continue with this relationship, then please make it clear to him he must never do anything like that again or it's over.

Domestic abuse is a serious matter and it doesn't help when PPs erroneously call everything that, out of context and without understanding what DA actually is

I wish I had 'called out' my ex's little moments - only two over 12 years together - out of context they were just 'silly little mistakes'. A push. A barge into a door. Then perhaps he wouldn't have broken my arm that day that changed all our lives. There is never an excuse for aggression or acts of violence no matter the context.

This is such a depressing thread. Op if this happens again it’s time to think about the future. If Dh lost his rag and pushed me while holding a one year old I would feel very different about him. So many posters falling over themselves excusing this. No wonder women are blamed for DV at the rate they are. The women of mumsnet seem to think a little bit of abuse is acceptable of it’s a mother reaching for her child who is reaching for her. The one year old was probably scared by his father shouting and wanted to be in the arms of the parent who had control of themselves.