To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

If someone on the street assaulted you by pushing, you wouldn't call that violent then?

If this was out of character you simply have to sit down and talk about it. See where you end up with that conversation. Ask why he did it, how he perceived your actions, what did he feel at the time, what was it that you did that made him respond that way. I'm not saying it was right or your fault at all, but he responded that way to the argument with you. And I don't think you should have to feel you're walking on eggshells, you're not asking to necessarily modify your behaviour until the end of time, but understanding where he was coming from and what triggered it will help you communicate better in future.

Likewise, you need to say your piece calmly, explain why you wanted to take your DS, talk that through, so he too can understand how you both came to be there. Then maybe talk through how ot would have been handled better, see if you can reach and agreement. You will need to both stay really calm and listen to each other though.

I can't really see any other way forward but communicating. Your poor communication is what lead to this situation, be it a one off or not. Don't make it worse by burying this.

Thanks Sparticuscaticus :)

Sparticuscaticus has already said that no one on this thread is condoning the push. OP is rattled by what’s happened and rightly so, both she and her husband lost their cool pretty spectacularly. There have been questions to try and understand the context of what’s happened. Ultimately only OP really knows if this is a flag and what colour. Simplifying or minimising either side’s behaviour isn’t going to help OP reach a constructive outcome.

I can relate to what OP’s been through, had some similar moments at the equivalent stage of parenting which were not our finest hours. I remember almost having a tug of war over our first born about who should change the nappy of all things, we both wanted to, it’s comical looking back on it but at the time it felt almost nuclear.

How did the second chat go OP? Hope you’ll be back to update us.

Why did he apologise hif he didnt thin hed lost control-if he doesntthink pushing was wrong what else does he think

@cheeseandpineapple thank you for asking. We had a good chat yesterday evening - DH was quite surprised because he felt that we had addressed it and moved on quite well, and still managed to have a good weekend.

As I had wondered, he felt that my comment about needing to go to the grocery store was a backhand dig that he hadn't been the previous day. He comes from a family where communication was really poor and said that he sometimes finds it hard to tell when I am "having a go" at him. We discussed that in more detail, because I don't think I have ever "had a go" at him - and certainly not in a passive aggressive backhanded kind of way.

I think it comes down to us both feeling quite stretched to our limit at the moment. We are both tired, he is combining training for a career change (including taking pretty stressful exams) with looking after DS 2 days a week. I am the sole earner working in a stressful job but flexible hours, so a lot of my evenings are work filled so that I can look after DS during the day. We don't get a lot of time alone the two of us so our communication seems to have suffered. We thought we might try to go away for a night together and leave DS with my mum (I haven't left him overnight before) to see whether we can reset a bit.

Glad you had a good chat granger. Do you feel better/less upset?

but what about the pushing?

@cheeseandpineapple yes I definitely feel much better. But I will be very aware of this kind of potential escalation going forward I think.

@GabsAlot we had already spoken about that in detail and I had told him that physical aggression was a red line for me. He confirmed that he hadn't felt physically threatened by me walking towards him (for himself, or for DS). He still doesnt think he lost control, which I'm finding difficult, because it means he crossed a physical line whilst still believing he was in control of himself. Which somehow feels worse. Anyway, I've made clear that if he is physically aggressive towards me in anger again that I would consider it the end of our relationship - I think he has understood and respects that position. I'm hoping we can both do better at de-escalating so that it's not something that is ever tested.

he didnt feel threatened but pushed you anyway

obviously i wasnt there so i dont know but as long as he understands that was wrong