To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

He should never have pushed you. I can completely understand why you wanted to take your dc with you. He’s so angry and out of control that he pushed you, it would be irresponsible to leave him with a baby.

How exactly was the man being physically aggressive towards the OP? The OP never said that.

And massive, really? grin

He pushed her. OP said upthread that he is much bigger than she is. Glad it's so hilarious to you

You don’t have the default rights to your child. The two of you having a verbal argument doesn’t give you the right to demand your child from its own father.

Every parent has the right to protect their child, even from their child's other parent.

Did you go to the shops?

Have you threatened divorce in the past?

Of course you wanted to remove your child from a massive angry man who was being verbally and physically aggressive towards you.

Talk about being dramatic 🙄

Where did OP say her DH was massive? For all we know he could be 5ft.

And as for verbally aggressive (as you call a simple argument with raised voices) OP has admitted to being verbally aggressive towards him as well. Why don’t you slate HER for it?

I hate the way pp have tried to make you responsible for his violence. You're not. I understand why you wanted to remove your baby from this unusual display of anger.

Has anything like this ever happened before?

You say he apologised profusely. But wouldn't admit to losing control. What did he apologise for then?

@IWantT0BreakFree
Sigh.
Read the OP. The first time the OP tried to take the child away she had not been pushed. She was pushed when she tried to take the child away.

But, by all means, keep misrepresenting the situation.

Btw, you wrote it like being massive was a bad thing by itself. And it's an OTT word for someone who's bigger than the OP.
Grip, take it.

How exactly was the man being physically aggressive towards the OP?

From the original OP he pushed me hard backwards. I think that's physically aggressive. I'm surprised that anyone would think it's not but there you go.

Make it feel better by going and having a fun and lovely day with your dh and dc.

Chalk it up to a bad day and don't dwell.

Just one thought - I sometimes lose my temper and shout but I don't lose control.

In no way would anyone be in danger from me, shouting is just sometimes a part of human communication too.

The trick is to deal with it as best as possible, talk afterwards, apologise etc and move on.

Again. If somebody tried to take my child off me I'd say no. And then if they tried again I would push them away.

But I bet if I posted that I'd Be told I was right and I had to protect my child.

Also, the pushing really isn't ok.
However if it was just a push to get you out of his personal space and not violent then I'd say you'll forgive it but it's not to happen again then leave it at that.
We're all human at the end of the day, we all make mistakes.

massive, really? Get a grip

The OP said that he is much bigger than her.

She also said that even before he pushed her, he was being verbally aggressive.

How exactly was the man being physically aggressive towards the OP? The OP never said that

She literally said that in her OP.

But sure, you crack on defending male violence against women.

For the hard of reading:
He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards

The first time the OP asked and then tried to take DS away, the husband had not shown any signs of physical violence.
The push was AFTER the OP moved towards him to take the child from him, despite him saying no.

There was no need for the OP to take the child at that point.

Exactly. The situation would've resolved itself by OP removing herself from the room. She didn't need to take the baby.

That was a clear show of passive aggressiveness and dominance over their shared child.

A lot of feminism gone wrong on this post, this shouldn't be about man v woman.
It's a partnership dealing with relationship issues.

I don’t think ANYTHING justified being pushed hard backwards, and that IS physical violence.

The OP does sound bloody irritating, though. Sorry, OP.

Talk about being dramatic. Where did OP say her DH was massive? For all we know he could be 5ft

In her post on page four of this thread she writes:
I am physically much smaller than he is

@Lweji I've read it thanks. I'm just not desperately scratching around to find ways to blame this woman for her husband's abuaive behaviour 🤷🏼‍♀️

I didn't say he was physically aggressive prior to her asking for the baby. I didn't write that her husband was massive. You are attributing another PP's comments to me. I simply addressed your question as to where the physical aggression was - there was physical aggression: he pushed her.

Anyway, a situation shouldn't have to escalate to physical violence before a mother feels justified in removing her child from it. This man lost control and OP felt that the situation was unpredictable and unsafe. The fact that he subsequently pushed her only proves that her intuition was correct and that she was right to want to remove her child.

There was no need for the OP to take the child at that point. Absolutely, there wasn't and it would definitely have made the situation worse. However, that does not mean that he should have pushed her hard backwards, as she states in the OP. He shouldn't have done that either.

Gabriella

I hate the way pp have tried to make you responsible for his violence

I don't think PP are doing this. They are reflecting back OPs words that she was not calm either and she was at least making erratic threats and in heightened emotional state that could have come across as angry. Neither parent sounded calm nor in full control of their anger.

We don't know how OP came across to her DH, only he or perhaps OP know that. There was sufficient flags in her OP though that indicated that he might have had reason to worry too and no backstory of abusive behaviour/ persistent red flags. No one is condoning his push but also no one here observed interaction or whether he was being protective of DS's safety at that point instead.

If someone came at me angrily trying to grab my toddler from my arms , I might put my arm out and step back too. (Obviously I wouldn't be shouting at anyone with DS in my arms unless it was to say 'get away' and they weren't listening and were aggressively coming at me)

You said he exploded into rage - Was DS not being upset by all the shouting?

Also for the hard of reading:
I asked to take DS because DH had already lost control - he was shouting and behaving in a way that was really unusual for him. I thought that removing myself from the situation would be the best way to de-escalate it, but I wasnt willing to do that without DS

Who is blaming the OP?
No-one.
Everyone says to her that he shouldn't have pushed her, but her behaviour was also wrong.

I don’t think ANYTHING justified being pushed hard backwards, and that IS physical violence.

Anything? What would you do if your partner tried to take your child from your arms? Do you think that act of physical violence would be justified?

If she was going to take the child and jump off a cliff, possibly yes lweji

If she’s just taking the child, it’s unacceptable, she’s wrong - but he still should not have pushed her.

Can some of you genuinely not understand why a mother wouldn't want to leave her baby alone with someone who has completely lost control of their temper over something so small? You would seriously just walk away and leave your 1 year old with that person? Come off it.