To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

@RUOKHon
Your quote shows that the husband was not being physically threatening, so thank you for supporting my point.

Google 'John Gottman - contempt'

Rolling your eyes at a partner (not at a dad joke but for real) is a sign of contempt, and contempt in a relationship is something that will end it if there is no intervention.

@lampsandrain
How do you take a child from someone who doesn't want to give it away without physical violence?
If the OP approached him after a no, it was clearly to use force to remove the child.
He had two choices. Yield to her not to harm the child, or keep her away.

By approaching him after the no, the OP was not considering the safety of the child. Just her right to dominance over the child.

This sounds like it could have arisen from stress and lack of sleep, for both of either of you. During the baby years I was very much your DH (I'm female btw).

For me, it boils down to this: you (understandably) don't yet feel like this has been resolved. So you need to have another conversation about it with him, even though he seems to have moved on. How do you feel about that? Apprehensive? Will he make out that you're nagging or overreacting? Will he become angry again,? Are you spending too much time trying to work out the 'right' time and way to bring it up again? If so, you do have a bigger problem.

Can some of you genuinely not understand why a mother wouldn't want to leave her baby alone with someone who has completely lost control of their temper over something so small? You would seriously just walk away and leave your 1 year old with that person? Come off it.

It's not someone, it's their father. He has as much right to the child as the mother.
He had lost control of his temper, that doesn't mean he's lost control of his actions to the point where he would harm his child does it.
Unless when you lose your temper (vocally) you start throwing things, hitting people and generally being violent?

By approaching him after the no, the OP was not considering the safety of the child. Just her right to dominance over the child

A mother stepping towards her husband, who has uncharacteristically flown off the handle over something very small and has lost control of his temper, after she has asked calmly for the baby and been refused, is almost certainly considering the safety of the child and nothing else.

Why are you so desperate to find (increasingly ridiculous) ways defend this man's behaviour and demonise the OP?

I think you were both in the wrong. What gives you the right to try to take your DS off his father? You were both angry.

Get a grip or break up. Doesn’t sound like you have a lot of respect for each other!

I don't agree.
She has never said he has ever harmed their child.

They were having an argument.
They were shouting at each other.

So by removing one of the problems would've resolved the problem.

She could've left. And he could've carried on caring for his child.

But that wouldn't have put him in his place.

I can't help wondering why "we" had to go to the grocery store.

Is that why he rolled his eyes-because you could have done it or because you meant him?

That's not to excuse the pushing, of course, but I might have eye rolled at that.

Why are you so desperate to find (increasingly ridiculous) ways defend this man's behaviour and demonise the OP?

Swap OP with man in that sentence and you got it right.

Get a grip or break up. Doesn’t sound like you have a lot of respect for each other!

Not helpful or constructive, and I don't think you can infer this from a single row. Try writing down the worst argument you've ever had with your partner, without context. Now read it back to yourself. Doesn’t sound like you have a lot of respect for each other, get a grip or break up!

It's not someone, it's their father. He has as much right to the child as the mother.

Unfortunately some fathers do harm their children.

He had lost control of his temper, that doesn't mean he's lost control of his actions to the point where he would harm his child does it.

He went on to become physical with his wife so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Besides, it's not only physical aggression that is harmful. A baby should not be subjected to someone ranting and losing control.

Unless when you lose your temper (vocally) you start throwing things, hitting people and generally being violent?

Are you now speculating about whether I am a violent person? Because I am condemning someone else's aggressive behaviour? That's an interesting take...😂

He went on to become physical with his wife so it's not beyond the realms of possibility.
So, we should take children away from their fathers just in case they turn violent?

Besides, it's not only physical aggression that is harmful. A baby should not be subjected to someone ranting and losing control.

But the OP could have achieved the aim of calming things down by leaving herself, instead of escalating it by asking for and then trying to take the baby away.
Using the baby as a weapon in a fight is not healthy for them either.

@grangeranger No, you're not wrong to still be 'upset' the day after someone (and not just someone, the person who's supposed to treat you the best out of all people in your world) was violent to you.

Maybe you could boot him out, at least for a bit.

This is not ok, and your feelings are there to try and alert you to the fact it's not ok, you could be in further danger and you are not being treated well.

OP is it possible that some of your feelings of upset today are because while you were trying to be calm on the outside you were far more angry on the inside than you realised?

When I have been angry I often find it takes a while for me to feel better.

Personally, I think this is all getting blown out of proportion. Having a baby is stressful. It's easy to be tired and over react. Just apologise to each other and move on.

How do you work through domestic violence? That was violence even if he cried and apologized it would be a dealbreaker for me and that's why you are unsettled today

When you look at the aggressive posting styles of some of the people on this thread, the way they cannot communicate well without insulting etc., it's easy to see why they see nothing wrong with the DH's and everything wrong with the OP's behaviour in this situation.

Aggressive people will always downplay as it makes them feel better and it's so much easier to victim blame.

Fucking hell the posters tying themselves in knots to justify an angry man’s violence towards his wife (whilst holding his child no less) are actually sickening.

OP please don’t listen and don’t start thinking you deserved this or that it’s all your fault, the posters determined to make you feel that way should be ashamed. Your DH massively overreacted by exploding and shouting, maybe you should have just walked away at that point but in your shoes I’d want to remove my baby from the angry, shouting man too. Even if you’d irritated him, even if you WERE acting superior, even if you ARE hard work (I don’t see that from your post personally but the victim blamers have accused you of all sorts) there’s no need to ‘explode’ and start shouting about it, and no excuse in the world for pushing you hard backwards.

Only you know how out of character this really is, and whether you’re able to feel safe going forwards. By all means look again at how you both communicate and where you could both improve, but don’t tie yourselves in knots trying to excuse his behaviour by making yourself to blame for his angry, aggressive actions. You were absolutely right to make it clear that the pushing was a red line for you - it absolutely has to be. Please do think very carefully about what you’d do if it happened again.

First page "I dont blame him"
Subsequent posters have accused the op of being aggressive (!) And backing him into a corner.

Amongst other dubious interpretations.

This is blaming the OP for his violence.

There is way too much dissecting of the op here.

Everyone's irritating sometimes. We dont get to shove them hard.

Still would like to know what hes actually apologised for. If not for losing control. Which he denies.

Everyone's irritating sometimes. We dont get to shove them hard.

Or take children from their arms...

So what do you think you’ll do, OP?

I don’t think this is a hanging offence for either of you. But it might be worth getting some couples counselling to learn some better communication skills.

Still, it's great to see that on International Women's Day, some people are still blaming them for violence against them. Fucking woeful.

Thanks again to everyone taking the time to post. I probably am a bit hard work sometimes, as is he - we are both constant low level tired after a year with DS who is not a good sleeper.

I think I will raise it again with DH this evening once DS is in bed as it's still not sitting right. DH is a "bottler" and doesnt tend to talk about his feelings, so I agree with PPs that maybe there was something else bothering him. From my perspective, it was a pretty normal "what are we doing today" type conversation and an offhand "ah we need to go to the grocery store" (just for a general shop, not out of the ordinary). Its possible he felt I was attacking him as he usually does the shop on a Friday when he's off with DS, but it certainly wasnt intended that way.

I do think him pushing me was out of line. I was not moving towards him to try to physically remove DS (I wouldn't have been able to) - it was an arms out to DS who had his arms out for me. I didnt lose my cool until he had pushed me and probably should have just walked away at that point rather than threatening to end the marriage.

It just got way too heated way too quickly, which is very out of character for both of us. I will try to chat it through again later and see what happens

For the record, I've asked the OP exactly what type of push it was and no answer so far.

I think some of us are picturing a hand out to prevent the OP from approaching and the OP feeling pushed back because of her momentum going forward.
While others seem to picture a forceful push that someone would do while trying to get people out of their way.
It's two different situations and the first one wouldn't merit the LTB posts here. The second would, and I'd be the first to say it.