To still feel upset about this argument with DH

[grangeranger]

Yesterday, DH and I had the biggest argument we've ever had. It started over the stupidest thing - he rolled his eyes and sighed at me when I said we should go to the grocery store that day. I (calmly) asked him to please not roll his eyes at me.

He then exploded into a "why do you always have to escalate everything" kind of rage. He was holding DS (1) and I asked (still calmly) if I could please take him as I wanted to remove myself and DS from the situation. He refused, I walked towards him and he pushed me hard backwards. There were some further angry words - I was no longer calm. He was shouting. I told him that if he didnt give DS to me then that would be the end of our relationship there and then. He gave him to me and I walked away.

There were lots of tears from DH afterwards and a profuse apology, but he still doesnt accept that he had lost control. I apologised for making a nuclear threat about our marriage but did state that physical aggression and witholding DS from me were red lines for me that I would not tolerate.

Anyway, we calmly discussed it and moved on. But this morning I'm still feeling really sad about how something so trivial escalated into such a "thing". I am usually a pretty good communicator and DH is usually a very easygoing guy, although his mother has a towering temper which I have never seen in him before.

AIBU to still be upset and if so, how can I move on?

The bit I stumbled over was that you were going to take DS from him rather than the starting point being to ask him to stop shouting when he had DS. He is the parent as much as you. That he pushed you back in response to this is an overreaction and a red flag, but so is the fact that you were going to take DS from him as a starting point. You honestly cannot use your child to threaten abandonment of the relationship. It seems like a minor argument about groceries escalated into an argument about who had the most right to the child. This is why you cannot move past it, because you asserted that you have the most right, but only after he had demonstrated physical resistance and you had threatened your marriage. Would it not have been easier just to go to the grocery store yourself or have a conversation about splitting chores fairly?

That said, it is difficult to assess the situation as we were not there and it is also difficult without knowing if there is any back story which would make emotions escalate this quickly.

Shewolf - if you can be wound up to a point of enraged shouting because you roll your eyes and someone asks you not to then it sounds like you need some anger management yourself.

Why do you always have to escalate things = why won't you put up with me rolling my eyes at you in response to a perfectly reasonable request.

Refusing to hand the baby over whilst still shouting = has no concept of controlling his temper whilst holding a very young child.

Pushing his wife whilst arguing = no understanding of proper boundaries and acceptable behaviour.

All of the above are big red flags. Tears and apologies are all very well but I bet you're now feeling edgy about being able to speak up in case it happens again. Which is exactly what he wants.

I suspect OP is going to say she wanted to take her son away because she felt her dh had lost control and she wanted to protect her son.

It’s all subjective though. It’s one snapshot and without way more background info it’s hard to gauge the dynamics.

I agree there’s an element of superiority coming across from the OP. Maybe they both work and she doesn’t think her husband pulls his weight and she’s the one who has to make sure all the stuff at home gets done so when he rolls his eyes her reaction is based on some underlying resentment towards him and how laid back he is and she can’t be because if they were both laid back things wouldn’t get done. Yada yada.

OP, rather than being upset today, sounds like there might be a few layers to peel and figure out how you and your dh are really feeling. The row is probably a symptom of something else. If you can get to the bottom of that then it will have been worth going through a bit of angst.

You created a problem by insisting on taking the child.

If you'd just walked away at the very beginning it would have all blown over

However I expect there's a huge back story of regular abuse, which you'll now drip feed in

If so - LTB

It depends how it’s done, maddening

I’m not trying to give the OP a hard time but I can understand how being ‘calmly asked not to roll my eyes at (my spouse)’ would be infuriating, especially if this sort of thing happens a lot. The whole exchange sounds like a particularly smug sort of teacher dealing with a disorganised schoolboy.

I hope the grocery trip wasn't to stockpile.

However the pushing is completely, totally, utterly out of order, so I’m not sure.

Katysun, the starting point was dh eye rolling at a conversation about going to the shop, op asked him not to eye roll at which point dh lost his temper and was shouting at op while holding the baby, why would you leave a baby with a person who has lost their temper and is shouting? It had already escalated at that point. It got no worse Imo due to the op asking for ds, he was already enraged.

Pushing someone away who is physically threatening you is a normal and appropriate reaction

So DH was frustrated, snapped and raised his voice but it doesn’t mean he didn’t have a valid point.

I agree with the pp asking him to stop shouting and bring it down a notch rather than demand to take the child away. Again sounds like a teacher/critic child dynamic.

However lampsandrain infuriated because you are called out on behaving like a petulant teenager (eye rolling at a discussion over shopping ffs) leads to you shouting and losing your temper then you have anger issues Imo.

I would.go.back.to why he was rolling his eyes at you . If he is usually easy going , something is wrong.

Instead of asking him not.to.roll.his eyes at you when he did this, you could.have said something like ' I notice that you seem unhappy with me when I said we had to go shopping why is that? .

You could still ask him that as a way to find out what the real problem was. The escalation of his reaction over something so trivial suggests there is a problem but it may be about how you are towards him so be prepared to hear that. Or it may be about something else entirely.

I am.only saying this because you mentionef how easy going he is normally. Many ' easygoing" people are like this because they desperately want to avoid confrontation, but sometimes.that comes out in an explosion, which is obviously not acceptable

Why was he annoyed in the first place is the best question to ask?

Why did you reprimand your dh for rolling his eyes and sighing? Is he not allowed to express his feelings? It seems quite a mild reaction to a reminder of a chore to be done?

He pushed you. Regardless of what you did or didn't do, he's crossed the line into domestic violence.

There’s shouting and shouting though maddening

Imagine a sort of frustrated exasperated ‘Oh, for gods sake! Why do you always have to escalate EVERYTHING?’ isn’t a loss of temper, to me.

The pushing is and that’s worrying.

@maddening I never got angry actually but he would make comments like that all the time. It's infuriating and condescending. I'd be spoken to like a child and if I said anything differently to his opinion I was told not to do stuff like don't roll my eyes or don't sigh.

Speaking "calmly" to a spouse or partner after saying something to inflame as situation is a classic tactic used by someone who feels superior as a way of breaking them down mentally until they start questioning their own reactions to sanity. You soon find you can't react to any comments or situations without that kind of reaction from them and you the are always unreasonable.

You clearly have never had to experience any kind of mental abuse so why don't you take your judgy comments some other place

I'm not surprised you are still upset by this OP, if my husband had pushed me, particularly while holding my baby I would've struggled to forgive. It's also a perfectly normal reaction to want to take your baby away from someone who is angry, I'd do the same.
There is lots of minimising of aggressive behaviour on this thread and victim blaming. Most people manage to deal with their partner bugging them without rage and pushing - it was not a normal reaction from your DH.

at Lweji

I hope the grocery trip wasn't to stockpile

I don’t think maddening is judging!

Pushing someone away who is physically threatening you is a normal and appropriate reaction

She asked for the baby. Where’s the physical threat?

She asked for the baby. Where’s the physical threat?
She walked towards him. At which point he pushed her.

She walked towards him during an argument whilst he was holding a child. That is a physical threat

She was walking towards him

Come on! Physical threat?! Give over.