AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[Livelovebehappy]

I would allow some contact with DS and see how it goes. Like you said, if you cut off contact entirely, you’re setting yourself up for issues several years down the line when your ds finds out you denied contact. Your ex may now form a close bond with his ds if he starts maintaining contact, which he may find harder to mess with if he does get back with his ex. He didn’t have that bond before as wasnt involved in his life.

[lowlandLucky]

You both made this child after a very short time together, you both have to take responsibility for that. He comes out worse because he was a lying cheating bastard but he is this little boys father, give him the chance to be a Dad. One day he may go on to have more childrenand they will be your Sons siblings wether you like it or not, dont deny your son any of that please. If your ex fails then you can refuse contact but give your Son a chance. One day your Son will look you in the eye and ask if you done everything you could to foster a relationship between him and his father. Dont let your son down

[SudokuQueen]

I think your ds would only hate you in future if you were keeping him from a father that was desperately trying to keep in touch, providing for him and doing all the right things for all of his childhood. As then, you would have blocked contact for no reason other than pettiness and jealousy.

However, that is not the case here. His father isn't bothering unless it suits him. He will likely continue to run away when something new comes along. He didn't care that his son was in hospital. He hasn't provided. By insisting that he goes through court, you are actually offering him the chance to step up and make up for his mistakes. It's unlikely he will bother. Can't see how your son would hate you for that.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you everyone for your advice so far.

So general consensus seems to be to allow conta t but arranges through mediation or court. Ask him if he wants to contribute to the financial side but it is not a demand. Don't just block and hope he goes away as then my son could feel let down later in life. And most importantly keep a record of any missed/late contact etc

Is this a fair summary

[Thurmanmurman]

I think it might be wise to put him to the test now. Ask for regular maintenance and start with supervised visits. Because your son is so young, if his father then fucks off and stops having contact, he will be too young to remember so he won't be affected in later life. You can at least say you did everything you could so he won't resent you when he's old enough to understand.

[CorianderLord]

Tell him he can have contact if he pays child maintenance 🤷‍♀️

[Soconfusedandlost]

Well I bit the bullet and asked what he wanted, mediation for a contact plan or to meet him for half or so regularly and build from there. He responded that a picture now and again would be good enough. I asked him if he considered contributing to his upkeep and had no response.

Turns out that he is not ready to step up and I panicked for no reason

[UYScuti]

My impression from your previous posts is that this man wants to have some sense of control and ownership over your son before he will part with any money.
A picture now and again would be good enough
So is he saying that all he wants is proof that this child exists, as if the child is an object that you are keeping safe for him, he doesn't want to interact with him at all, doesn't care about the child's feelings etc or in other words doesn't really see him as a human being??

[LangSpartacusCleg]

Turns out that he is not ready to step up and I panicked for no reason

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your perspective), I think a lot of posters predicted that.

Parenting is not a picture every now and then.

[category12]

Result.

I mean it's shit, but I think you and your ds will be better off without someone like this in your lives.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@UYScuti I think it's more that it involves no effort from him. He can then show his family and friends the pictures and looks like he's involved. Turns out the request for contact is some kind of trick for his family

[UYScuti]

He wants the pictures to put up on Facebook so that he can keep up the Facade of being a decent person who does the right thing 😕
It's all about protecting his reputation at all costs 😕

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

If he wants to change the status quo then he needs to pursue it through the proper channels. If he needs to earn your trust then its on him to do so.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Oh I missed a few updates there!

[gafferareyouthere]

Block the fucker and don't reply to any further contact if he manages to get through.

[carly2803]

2 things

stop giving him updates. seriously stop. if hes interested he will ask.

contact - offer it, supervised andmake it work for you


if hes abusing, rude, dosent turn up then tell him to fuck off.

do not deny contact,this will bite you in the arse.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Gosh no way would I send him a picture to make your baby a vanity project and have his picture posted all over social media. This man has told you all you need to know. Pig.

[PanamaPattie]

As predicted. Sorry OP.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@Travis1
Your response is exactly what I would say. So far she’s blocked him from seeing the child.

[category12]

She "blocked him" because he demanded unreasonable things, such as 50/50 from birth and to take a 6 week old baby off its mum having never even held the child.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Apologies been to a family event. No response off him regarding maintenance. However an afternoon with family is what we needed

[Soconfusedandlost]

@carly2803 as is aid before, the updates are just me saying "DS has been admitted to hospital" so that it can't be turned round that he didn't know about any health problems or didn't k ow his son was in hospital and the wicked witch (me) didn't tell him about it

[Soconfusedandlost]

*I said not is aid

[Soconfusedandlost]

Rereading messages from him over the last week and can see red flags I didn't before. Not just the slagging off of his wife but saying he wants to take it slow and then saying he wants to see him ASAP and making it that hr was confused and felt unwelcome about seeing him.

Think I was so panicked at hearing from him that I didn't see the red flags. More fool me really

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd stop any 'updates'. He's made it abundantly clear that he's not interested in your child's welfare or in being a part of his life.

Keep the 'picture every once in a while text' to remind you that you owe him nothing.