AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[user14366425683113]

This is my concern, that in 10-20 years my son will meet him and believe that his dad wanted contact and I blocked it by demanding court order

Would you rather he be asking you in 10-20 years why you didn't protect him from being fucked around by the man?

I want my son to know that I genuinely want the best for him regardless of my feelings towards his dad and potential stepmother

Wanting to protect him from being neglected and/or repeatedly abandoned and rejected has nothing to do with your feelings towards his dad though, does it?

[Soconfusedandlost]

I'm glad to hear stories of children who were in that situation and didn't hold it against their mother's but it worries me about the person who is NC with their mother as part of this.

The people who had the chance to have contact but the father fluffed it up, did your mums' give them opportunity for contact at all? As in they could've had contact but didn't. In which case I should allow him contact knowing he'll bugger it up.

[emmylousings]

I understand your concern to 'look' as if you faciltated contact from your DS's perspective when she is older - you don't want her to blame you for the lack of relationship. I was in a similar situation, with a similar sounding useless bloke. There is some great advice here already. I think given his unreasonable behaviour you should be prepared to offer very limited contact (perfectly within your rights given the lack of PR.) You are aware of a moral responsability and agree with you about that, but it's fine because in the end this bloke probably won't rise to the challenge or contribute or do anything very much or get in your daughters way. You will have been fair and she will see what he is like herself. I feel you can help your child to come to terms with having a totally crap/absent parent, without anyone feeling really bad about it. You can make it OK.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@user14366425683113 this is my worry. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I protect him against what I know in my heart is a loser dad but he feels I've not given any chances as I refused first contact and this is his second attempt.

To let him in and risk hurting DS seems too big a gamble but I would hate DS to build an ideal dad image and think I've kept that away from him

[UYScuti]

I think I would keep a detailed log of this man's behavior so that you can explain things to your son in the future if need be but other than that dont engage with him.

[Thinkingabout1t]

The fact that he takes care not to send any money for his son makes me pretty sure he would be a lousy father. I don't doubt he would be all over DS like a rash while his wife was away, only to drop him the moment she came back, or he met someone else, or he just lost interest.

I can't really see what your son has to gain from occasional contact with this waster and his hostile wife. On-off contact is very painful and unsettling for a child.

You on the other hand sound like a wonderful mother, caring and responsible about DS's health, concerned only for his happiness and safety. DS is lucky to have one good parent.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and DS all the happiness in the world.

[stressystressy]

You sound very reasonable and rational and that will in he long term be what your DS sees. I really wouldn’t worry about being perceived as obstructive because you’re actively considering your son’s welfare.

My brother is currently fighting for contact with his son, he has paid maintenance despite lack of PR, and now has a court order for contact. His three year old son has no idea who he is and that is because his mum blocked contact every step of the way. My brother just wants to be part of his son’s life. Your situation is not at all like this.

[UYScuti]

he's just a not very bright player who thinks he can keep all his options open and have things all his own way

[D4rwin]

An unpopular opinion but if they can't be bothered to be there during the first four months then they're never going to fully bond anyway. It will just cause your son more stress with someone who is only conditionally and temporarily interested in him.

[Evilspiritgin]

Just as a warning though, I know someone who had a child father didn’t want to know until child was nearly 7 , went to court and was given every other weekend and holidays contact and the mum had to put up with it

[CloudyVanilla]

Poor you, I have to say as much as people say it's important to have contact with the father, this situation sounds nightmarish to me.

You were together for 3 months, he's basically a stranger, I couldn't bear to leave my child with someone I barely knew and had made no effort to support myself or his child, just for the sake of biology.

I think I would just let this demand for contact fizzle out as it sadly almost inevitably will, no matter what you do :(

[VenusTiger]

I think it's now or never OP - as he's 16 months old, honestly, he won't remember. We moved house (and county) when my 6yr old son was 16 months old actually, and I've asked him several times if he remembers our old house, or remembers moving, recalls our old neighbours who made a fuss of him - even looking at photos, and he can't remember any of it.
I say give him the chance, supervised due to his health requirements, you need to agree and setup financial support and tell him, he doesn't get 3 strikes, he gets 1. Make everything clear and if he agrees (get him to sign something about the finances) then go ahead. One fuck up and he's out of your lives for good.

[Soconfusedandlost]

I am not the best parent. I fluctuate between fear and anger at him. The wife is hostile and blames me despite her knowing that he was with me behind her back whilst I knew nothing (again she knew this). I may sound crazy but when he contacted me on Wednesday, my first thought was that they had found where we live which sent me into a panic because of her actions previously.

He keeps saying hell go slow and doesn't expect contact immediately. I don't even know how to do this, surely it's contact or not even when supervised. I can't ask anyone in real life as their take will be to avoid him immediately.

How does slow moves towards contact work? Am I supposed to send him updates on DS, pictures, demand maintenance, ask him for a letter to DS to explain why he hadn't seen him for 12 months?

To be specific, I am not scared of him, I am scared of the wife (regardless of them being together, there will be fallout). My fear of him is regarding him rejecting my son

[Darbs76]

Can’t be have supervised access for 6 months? If he proves himself maybe he is responsible enough to look after him. Yes you will have to explain one day so if you can say he had this chance then that will prove you’re not the bad guy

[copperoliver]

Block him, move if you can. It doesn't matter what happens in years to come deal with it then. It's better you keep your son away from this man who will just mess with your head and let your son down. X

[GrouchoMrx]

Soconfusedandlost,

I don't have any advice.

I just wanted to say that you certainly do not sound confused and lost. Well done.

[champagneandfromage50]

If he really was that keen on contact he would have taken you to court for access. I stopped contact with my eldests father, long story but for good reasons, he took me to court and he got NC and didnt get PR either. I simply had to provide annual updates until he was 18. My DS doesnt know the full ins and outs but does understand the reasoning for the NC. He has met his father now he is an adult, he doesnt bare any grudges against me and he can see his father for who he is....you can only do what is right for your DC.....

[Soconfusedandlost]

@grouchomrx thank you. It's the duck analogy.
Smooth and gently sailing on top, paddling like fuck below the waterline.

[CloudyVanilla]

Okay based on your latest post.

I would not have anyone involved in my sons life who was so hostile towards me. I would not trust them to create a safe and secure home for your DS.

I wouldn't create a contact folder for your DS to look at or anything like that. I feel like a conflict free childhood will be say better than one with an noncommittal father, I infinitely so. Especially in this day and age where diverse family dynamics are much more commonplace.

Are there any other reasons you want this man in the picture? Because you need to look at it as, "is this individual a positive influence in DS's life?" Rather than, is "a father" a positive influence.

[TooMuchBloodyChoice]

You sound like you’ve been so strong and consistent with your boundaries up to now OP. Don’t let his temporary sob story get in the way of what you’ve always done - act in the best interests of your son.

If he wants to really be part of his life you should see long term change and willingness. If not, then you know that you were right to trust your instincts all along

[Soconfusedandlost]

@cloudyvanilla to his other (age 18+) children, he is a good dad, he brought them up as a single father for many of their younger years, still heavily involved in their lives, drops everything to be with them and help and support them.

However his attitude to my DS is so drastically different that I can't line this up with the person he is now hence my confusion and fear.

I worry about his wife as she was vociferous in her verbal abuse of me whilst pregnant and i don't want to invite that into my life as even if he doesn't get back with her, she will lose her shit if she hears he has access to his son now

[Louise91417]

My ds is nc with father and no effort has been made for contact. This came about for numerous reasons, alcohol and drug abuse being the main ones as i felt my son was not safe however no interest has been shown by father to seek contact. Iv thought about things down the line and how things will probably be twisted on me and claimed i prevented contact. Iv now got to the point i dont care what im accused off. My ds and his welfare are my priority, it is my job to protect him and ensure his childhood is as happy and carefree as i can make it. I think the most important thing i can do is be honest with ds and answer his questions as and when they arise. In an ideal world i would ike nothing more than my ds to have a loving and caring father, sadly he doesnt, that is not my guilt to deal with and i hope that i raise him with morals and principles and honesty so he can decide if i made the best choices for him, thats all any parent can do. In my situation i truly believe my ds will suffer less by having an absent father than he would having his abusive/controlling/feckless/nasty father in his life. Stop thinking about things down the line and focus on whats best for your ds now.

[VenusTiger]

Why does his ex wife have to have anything to do with your DS OP, I thought they'd split up? I'm confused.
Don't allow some ex be the reason you stop contact, as that will cause resent all round.
If she does something agressive, call the police. Being hostile surely means she's ignorant to the fact you or DS exist?

How are you even in contact with her?

[VenusTiger]

*resentment

[SoloMummy]

In the first instance you have three main options :
1 refuse and go to mediation and court if he opts for it...
2 suggest that as he has had no contact to date by his choice, important to state that in any offer emails - ensure written for evidence purposes - that he needs to make indirect contact, sending photos and having maybe video call - pointless but to familiarise lo. Set a time limit for this, for example weekly indirect for 6 weeks. Then move to 3rd option.
3 supervised contact - with you present. Say 1 hour every week. Building up to 2 or 3 over 6 to. 8 weeks. Depending how this goes and if consistent as to how the progression then develops.