AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[Fortheloveofgodwhy]

I can only tell you my story. Got pregnant with DS1 at / just after the end of a relationship. Pregnancy was on and off contact and my son was born 2 months early. He visited hospital maybe twice but then we argued and he disappeared. He then reappeared a couple of months later, but was sporadic and argumentative. I said it was regular agreed contact or none. He disappeared again. When DS was about 1 he made contact. Blamed me for not being in touch 🙄 and was ana arse but did say he will do regular hours. Every other Saturday for a couple of hours. We built up to an overnight stay after a few months. He has since (DS is now 13) on the whole, stuck to alternate weekends. Don’t get me wrong there have been some 🤯 moments but, with the help of my DH, we have remained amicable and DS has got to know his father. He is a dick. Don’t get me wrong! And he was late A LOT and he always will be. But DS knows his dad. And he knows his dad loves him and he knows his dad isn’t perfect. And neither am I. So I say suggest a regular time/place and give him a chance. You should facilitate them having a relationship. You don’t need to build it. And it needs to work for you all. But as the parent with custody and holding all the cards for the sake of your D.C. you should give him the chance.

[bultaoreune]

Whatever you choose to do, get it in writing and signed by both parties with witnesses. Get legal advice on how to do this. Ideally he should agree to atleast minimum CPS and supervised contact. Reason being that because he has previously got together with his wife there are chances that it would happen again. You fear for your child's safety around his (ex)wife so get in an agreement that there is no way she will ever to come near him. Do not cut him off completely as your child still has a right to know his father, but in a controlled environment and on your terms.

[BumbleBeee69]

block and tell him to go to court... ignore the Wife she's irrelevant

[Lilymossflower]

He is not on the birth certificate is he?

In that case ignore him

Stop sending him all these updates

Let him make every ounce of effort to prove he actually gives a shit (cause by the sounds of it he don't)

If it all comes to nothing then that's the best outcome for your child than a father who just pisses about as and when it suits him

[Lilymossflower]

Also get legal advice.

[Ponoka7]

"When they are together he is not allowed to be friends with them"

Don't get involved in his previous marriage, but his friends helped him cheat and covered up for him. It's a shame that all these people wasn't as vocal when you were getting pregnant. I'd stop listening to them. She's had a normal, human reaction to the OW being pregnant. This won't have been easy for her children to hear, either.

But disengage from speaking about her, or allowing these friends to.

I think now is the time to give him one chance, because a lot of lads want their Dad and thanks to Social media he will contact him during the difficult pre/teen years and that's what you don't want.

He has Adult children, you don't know where they will endxup, my DD ended up in high school with her Niece. My children don't mix with her half siblings, but do with their children. They are all adults. I wasn't the OW, but his ex hated him moving on. All it's done is add further issues in her relationship with her adult grandchildren.

Start by explaining his medical stuff, sharing pictures and your Son's likes and dislikes. Then it moves to supervised contact. Do you have a relative who could sometimes help?

The only time you worry about his wife, is if they are back living together and if he wants to persue contact through the couts, then it's best if you engage with her to know that your son is going to be safe.

[Coyoacan]

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread, but you could make sure that you have all the contact details and then maybe when your child is older you can give them that information.

My dgd cannot see her father because he is has anger management inssues. But he was in her life and she misses him. When she is a teenager she will be able to contact him herself.

[CodenameVillanelle]

You could suggest to him that he funds regular sessions of supervised contact in a contact centre. That will soon show whether he's dedicated to seeing him or not

[TheSerenDipitY]

make him go to court for access, also apply for child support/maintenance
and until that happens keep a dairy, write all the details from the moment you met him and if he does come back in later years and says she kept me from you son its all her fault... give your son the dairy and printed screen shots of messages ( or a flash drive full of messages and emails between you and his father) and ask your son to read this, look at these and make up his own mind on who did what, also remind your son you have never had an issue with his father seeing him, but you did have an issue with him coming in and out of his life willy nilly leaving him confused and emotional and you didnt want him to feel that he wasnt good enough

[CJsGoldfish]

You chose him as the father of your child. He was good enough then.

I see no reason not to give him the opportunity now unless you just don't want to 'share'. And if that's the reason, I totally 'get' that initial knee jerk reaction.
Children are way more resilient than we give them credit for. So what if he's in and out? His loss and your child will be influenced by the way YOU react/sell it. Will follow your lead. Any decent parent with a childs best interests at heart will manage and mitigate the negative as well as the positive.

My childrens father was out of their lives for many years. He returned wanting a relationship. I could easily have just told him to fuck off but that wasn't what was best for my children. They needed that chance to get to know him and they did. They were also able to make up their own minds about him which was so important.
I have grit my teeth many, many times over his actions and/or lack of thought but I know it's important to allow a relationship not influenced by me. Don't kid yourself that your child will not question your actions later on.

[LangSpartacusCleg]

1. He is an untrustworthy asshole (but you already knew that)
   
2. However she was heard telling people that she hoped I died in childbirth and that my son would be retarded and stuff like that. who told you this? Repeating this to you is not the action of a friend. Tread carefully.
   
3. Can you afford a solicitor? If so, all communication go through them.
   
4. If you can’t afford a solicitor, tell him he is welcome to see your son at a contact centre for which he will have to pay. Supervised visits only as your son does not know him yet. Build up to more and longer contact (and I bet that it won’t even come to that).
   
5. Tell him something along the lines ‘now that he is willing to play a role in DS’s life, is he also willing to contribute to his financial upkeep’? Don’t specify amounts or anything Ike that just yet.just put it out there and see if he even contacts you again.
   
6. Under no circumstances link access to money. That will only backfire on you.
   

Don’t make an effort to solve this for him. Allow access on your terms (supervised, limited).

Give him enough rope to hang himself.

[Soconfusedandlost]

To the people who have said about him paying towards DS, I don't want him to link access to money like PP said. I've never asked him for money and not sure how to put it to him.

In terms of the wife, she is an unknown quantity as all I really know about her is through gossip. I'm not counting her behaviour towards me as she was angry.

So I need to ask him to do indirect contact for a while, build to supervised and go from there?

So to clarify, I'm looking for advice on

1. How to ask for financial contributions without linking money to access?
2. What are the rules of indirect contact? Should he be initiating it or do I just tell him when DS does something out of the ordinary?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You chose to continue your pregnancy with a child from this idiot so he was a good enough sperm donor for starters. From that point on, you became linked to him for the next 18 years.

I’d let him try to be a father to your ds. Perhaps a contact centre would be the best place to start. Better to do it now when your ds won’t remember him if he fails than to do it later. He may attach to your ds, be an ok father and provide for him or he may fail. However, you cannot make that judgment right now.

[Purpleartichoke]

its All in the phrasing

“Refuse to let father see child unless he goes to court”
Or
“Make a legal custody arrangement to make co-parenting smoother”

Making everything legal isn’t a failure, it’s just wise.

If he really wants to try, 16 months isn’t a bad age to do so. If he is serious about being a father, he shouldn’t balk at paying maintenance. For contact, this man might be his father, but he is a stranger. You have no reason to just hand over your child. Agree to set meeting times in a neutral location. You will be present the entire time. For now, He is not allowed to make long term promises to your child. Set a firm time and place that you both agree to. Start with 30 minutes at the park or the library or anyplace public where a child can play. Document these arrangements. Document if he actually shows up consistently. Once you see if he is actually taking it seriously by showing up for play dates, you can decide to proceed.

[LangSpartacusCleg]

1. How to ask for financial contributions without linking money to access?
‘I’m happy to facilitate access and I’m pleased you are taking an interest in DS after so long. Does that mean you are willing to contribute to his upbringing financially as well?’

2. What are the rules of indirect contact? Should he be initiating it or do I just tell him when DS does something out of the ordinary?
Contact, whether it is direct or indirect, is between him and DS, not you and him. Frankly, your DS is too young for indirect contact. I would respond with something along the lines of:
‘As you are a stranger to DS, we will have to take things slowly. I suggest we meet at the local contact centre and I will introduce you as ‘friend’ rather than ‘daddy’ so DS is not overwhelmed. When you have built up a relationship with him, we can explain that you are his daddy and increase contact at other locations.’

Do not initiate anything further. The ball will be in his court.

[Ozziewozzie]

Keep all communication to email. Save them, print them. In 10-20 years if the idiot tells your fin you blocked his contact, you’ll have a whole string of evidence.

[Fortheloveofgodwhy]

I’m Not an expert but I don’t think the courts link maintenance to contact. You shouldn’t have to ‘pay to see your child’ and rightly so. However frustrating it is. If you want money from him be clear and be firm. But DONT link it to access. Simply say it would be helpful if he would start paying an appropriate monthly amount towards maintenance. But don’t ask when also talking about contact.

Your DS is too young for indirect contact and there is no requirement for you to send updates. Emotionally think about why you do, when you do. Because you would want to know? Because you want his support? Because you think you’ll get into trouble if you don’t? Maybe ask him?

But please rethink about letting him know his DS, even monthly two hours sessions at a play barn.

I should also say my DSs father was not put on the BC until he had maintained regular contact for about a year and at the same time we did a 3way PR to my now husband who I have two more younger DC with.

[Fortheloveofgodwhy]

I can say from experience that now at 13 DS seems to be really finding a bond with his real dad, he is lovely to me and to his SD who he also considers Dad but he is definitely bonding as a teen with his ready Dad. It’s actually quite nice to see and I hate to think what might have happened if he didn’t know him.

[Fortheloveofgodwhy]

FFS Real! Dad

[dontdisturbmenow]

You owe your child to give him a chance. 2 years of being absent is nothing in the life of a person.

One of my friend had a dreadful experience with her partner when she fell pregnant. They separated and he treated her appaulingly during and shortly after her girl was born. It went on for about 18 months and then he started to calm down and act more reasonably.

Somehow, they made it work, with her putting so much efforts into it, but she comes from a culture where having both parents in your life is important. The child is now 15 and spends 50/50 with both. She is very close to her dad and he's turned out to be a somehow quite excentric, but very dedicated and loving father.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@Fortheloveofgodwhy the updates I sent him throughout were regarding DS health so basically telling him everytime he got admitted to hospital as I felt that I would be wrong not to tell him his son was in hospital

[Soconfusedandlost]

OK to clarify I have never asked him for money or to pay for access to DS. PPs have mentioned that as a father he should be paying something towards upkeep and I asked how could I ask that without it being cash for access. I never asked for anything as he doesn't declare his income so was pointless unless amicable agreement which I knew I couldn't get due to situation

[CodenameVillanelle]

The way that the courts work nowadays is that the party who wants to initiate proceedings needs to set up a mediation appointment as a first step, with the idea being that court can be avoided if mediation is effective. Mediation would be very helpful in your case, since you don't know where to start.

I suggest you respond to him saying that you will attend a mediation appointment if he sets one up. Then the ball is in his court and you aren't being obstructive, but following the correct and most helpful channels.

You will have to pay for the mediation unless you're entitled to certain benefits.

[Blubelle7]

I would not do a single thing. I would let him pursue access through the courts if he is serious and mention his wife's psychotic behaviour and evidence thereof. He probably won't.

Even if your DS meets him when older and he spits this nonsense about being iept from him by you, your DS may drink the kool aid and believe him but will definitely see for himself that that wasn't clearly the situation as people dont change. PP gave said about meeting their DFs as adults and the DFs still being utterly useless.

[just5morepeas]

Ask him to provide you with his financials so the two of you can agree on an amount and then sign an agreement to pay child maintenance. You don't need CMS for that, he can do it voluntarily because it's the right thing. Watch him skedaddle back into the woodwork.

I agree with this. It's a reasonable request and is something that you can show your son proof of when he's older. It's not paying for contact but it is what a responsible parent does.

You owe it to your son to do this.