AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 it's a good idea to keep to show the level of involvement he wanted

[Dita73]

Send him this

[mrsmuddlepies]

I think around 7 and 8 children are aware of other families and that other children have Dads. I know a little boy who was desperate for his Father. His father was married with a family. He was also mixed race and very curious about his father and his father's extended family.He longed to have his father in his life. He was very sporty as was his father and he wanted his father to watch him play football.
His mother saw his father as a sperm donor and didn't encourage contact until she realised how much it would mean to her son.
He is now a teenager and he and his mother have a lot of issues, including his huge resentment that his mother tried to keep his father away.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@Dita73 😂

@mrsmuddlepies I understand where you're coming from but not sure if you read the recent updates where I have asked what sort of contact he is aiming for and he responded that he just wants me to send him a picture "now and then". Not exactly crying out to know him like he tried to convince me

[mrsmuddlepies]

In the case I am talking about, I don't think the biological father was very interested in his son. He already had a family. However, the little boy (teenager now) just had his mother and two very elderly grandparents. Her son is black and she is white. The difference is your son has a sister and a family of his own.
Teenagers are ready to blame parents for all sorts. This boy desperately wanted contact with his sporty father and his extended family. His mother deliberately tried to get pregnant. Last chance of a child in her late thirties. He has a very idealised idea of his father and chooses to believe that if his mother had allowed it, he would have a father and half brothers and sisters. I don't think this would necessarily be the case.
He does have sporadic contact with his father. He is a very talented sportsman and he still desperately wants his father's approval and his father to come and watch him in games and be proud.
He was a very wanted child by his single mother ( a teacher). She finds his rejection of her heart breaking. She would like an academic, high achieving son. He feels a failure and believes that things would be different if he had a proper dad.
It is sad but their circumstances are different to yours. Your son has a family. I wouldn't close doors though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[mrsmuddlepies]

#soconfusedandlost.
Also, I know it's only a children's book, but, The Illustrated Mum, by Jacqueline Wilson, tries to deal with the issue of absent fathers.

[Soconfusedandlost]

He is only 16 months so explaining absent father's is a way off yet. My issue was whether I would look like I've blocked contact if I said no again despite his previous requests being unreasonable or would it be obvious that his dad is shite

[Soconfusedandlost]

He has now come back to me, firstly giving me a row that I told my best friend about the situation. Apparently I was supposed to keep it quiet and not tell a soul that after 16 months, he wants contact with his son!

I "politely" pointed out that I had done it all until then without his input and my son would not be a dirty secret he could lie about. He's either in or out and he needs to decide.

He has decided that he does want to be in his life but wants to start through getting to know him such as finding out about the medical problems he's had as DS has been in and out of hospital which I mentioned in a previous post.

When I listed everything that happened, he seemed genuinely mortified that he had not been there for it and had not understood how serious it had been which is a tiny baby step in the right direction

[category12]

Do remember this man is a big fat liar and don't invest emotionally in his sudden interest in your son.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@category12 thank you for putting it so directly. It is important that I repeat that to myself when I'm being too soft. I've spent so long not giving him headspace, I've sort out bypassed the fury stage and I need that to be firm and protect DS

[category12]

Also, he's demonstrated again that his first instinct is to give you shit. This shows that his previous behaviour was not his wife's influence, it was him. This is who he is. He can turn on the charm but basically he's not a nice person.

Be careful.

[AcrossthePond55]

I echo others, be careful. And why does he want to start by learning about your son? There's plenty of time for that. He should be saying that he wants to start by getting to know your son. As in short visits in public places without DS being told exactly who 'this man' is.

And again, bring up maintenance. It's not 'pay for play'. It's what a responsible and caring parent would want to do!

[Qwertygert]

My dh had no contact with his son for 8 years (negligable between 7 and 8) he had had drama with it all and was stupid and had a wife at the time who accidently feel pregnant just after he was born and well you can imagine the rest. When we got together i kicked off and told him he was being a shit head and that little boy deserved to have his dad in his life if it is what DSS wanted. He admitted he was scared due to his crap decisions when younger but contacted his ex to talk. She wanted assurances on what it meant for DSS as she didnt want hin let down which is totally understandable. We now have access and he sleeps over. His mum has been great and just wants the best for her son. DH will never forgive himself for not being there but we are making up for it now. Some men do change. I guess you just need to see what his actions show. I know we will continue with DSS in our lives going forward now and he is a wonderful addition to our family. I had a deadbeat dad and I refused to marry one!

[Soconfusedandlost]

He has not answered when I've asked him twice about maintenance. I am almost sure that in 6 months or less he will go back to his old life and be ignoring DS again. I've given him the chance to be in his life and I need to let this play out so he doesn't try it again when DS is old enough to remember

[forrestgreen]

Is send him a message asking whether he'd prefer to pay £x a week into your bank or would he prefer cms to sort out his maintenance for his son.

Either it's a fresh start or you won't hear from him. Each time he pops up, repeat it.

Go on cms and try to work out how much it's be.

If he then asks about visits say he's not pay per view, and you need to build the relationships you've said.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Well he has started to show some attachment to DS. He has asked today how he is doing and is he more at risk of CV because of his health problems? This is the first time he has asked about something like this so maybe our conversation the other day about DS health conditions stuck in his head

[forrestgreen]

Follow it up with a maintainable text

[category12]

You seem like you're really grasping for straws here. Those are questions that even a stranger might ask if they got into a conversation with you. If you're trying to let this play out, you have to have more emotional distance.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

He's at a loose end. His wife has left him. He's probably being forced to work from home. He can't meet up with the lads in the pub much anymore, so you're the distraction for now.

Luckily your son isn't old enough at the moment to be affected by him. He hasn't a clue who he is. Use the current situation to keep him away from him for now. Tell him you are not bringing him out unnecessarily and you're not bringing outsiders into the house.

Tell him to set up a direct debit for maintenance and when things have settled down you will organise supervised access. Every Saturday 12-4. (Or whatever you want!) Tell him it will be regular and you will expect him to show up. Tell him if he starts cancelling or not being able to stick to the time etc you will be removing access. You can even draw up a formal agreement and have it rubber stamped by a solicitor if you wish. It won't be him taking you to court, it will be you offering him the opportunity to get to know his child. If he doesn't take that opportunity then you will have written evidence (note each time he doesn't show up, shows up late, leaves early, etc).

My guess is once life starts to return to normal, he'll return to "normal".

[AcrossthePond55]

What TellMe said ^^

I agree 100%. It's all well and good that he wants to see his son. But as well all know part of parenting is stepping up and doing the right thing. For RPs, that's the day to day slog (and joy) of parenting and the financial costs that go with it. For NRPs, it's being consistent with access and paying maintenance. There is nothing wrong with you expecting him to meet all parenting expectations. You are, why shouldn't he?

[SmallChickBilly]

Depressingly, when I saw your update, my first thought was that he's trying to leverage his 'at risk son' to justify not going to work/elicit sympathy/try to wangle some kind of benefit from it. Obviously you know him, but it's worth considering how his actions benefit him primarily to keep some perspective on his approach.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@SmallChickBilly I didn't even think of him trying to get something out of it like that - how dumb am I? That is exactly something he would do (use it as an excuse to slope off work or a way to get sympathy from people, he couldn't claim any financial benefit as he doesn't even know his birthday).

@category12 I am trying to be emotionally distant, I may sound like I'm believing him. When he asked, I was dubious about reasons but am trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre I don't intend letting them meet in the current situation as it would be wrong on many levels. I am wary of him and his intentions, but I believe that by giving him enough benefit of the doubt he will mess it up himself whilst my son is at an age where he won't remember it rather than in a couple of years where it could be damaging to him.

I'm hoping he doesn't but in my darkest of hearts, I believe he will.

To the many PPs who have referred to maintenance, I am a great big jelly belly wuss and I'm scared to ask about maintenance as I feel like it would come across as asking to pay to meet him. While I'm skint, I'd rather not have to explain this to the jackass or give him any chance to infer that we are less than him

[Soconfusedandlost]

Also thank you to everyone, this is great advice and I am truly listening even if you think I'm stupid or a wuss or whatever

[Cherrysoup]

Go through cms. Kids aren’t pay per view. He needs to pay maintenance.

[category12]

I don't think you're stupid or a wuss, but I think you're hopeful and overlooking his previous behaviour. Healthy cynicism is what's needed - he's already had the benefit of the doubt and behaved like a fuckwit multiple times.