AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[Soconfusedandlost]

Ok so an update for everyone

He is in my son's life regularly. He has been having supervised contact with my son 1-2 times per week for a couple of hours since June 2020. He has been consistent in contact and well behaved and they are building a strong relationship. He has even been included in family events with my parents and my other child which have gone well (if slightly awkward).

He has had two unsupervised contacts (the last fortnight) for 2-3 hours which have gone well so that is a fairly positive outcome. DS adores him (and being a disloyal toddler, often prefers daddy to mummy 😂). He is sober, stable and we have a good co-parenting relationship being built also.

[BumbleBeee69]

OP.. .. is his really in the best interests of your Child... sporadic contact whilst paying no maintenance toward his upkeep ? I think not..

This man has shown you countless times who he is.. what will it take for You to believe it...

[Soconfusedandlost]

Well he has kept up sustained photo contact and has offered Facetime which I don't think my DS is ready for (at 18 months old, I don't see how it would work). He is not pushing boundaries, has talked about giving money towards DS when he is able to work again (offered, not requested).

Then in the last week, his ex has started posting stuff on SM heavily insinuating he is guilty of domestic violence. We have mutual friends who drew my attention to it. The mutual friends don't believe he is capable, I am unsure cos I have no trust in him. I want to ask him about it but feel that it could be crossing boundaries and I know the ex wouldn't speak to me except to give me abuse.

So how do I know? If he is capable of that, I want to nix the idea of him being in DS life before it starts. If he's capable of violence then who's to say he wouldn't hurt a child.

Advice please

[Mix56]

No need to bang your head against a wall, he is proving at what point he is never going to be a good constant presence in your DC's life.
Stop helping him. you are not responsible, you are not his Mother

[Soconfusedandlost]

Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with him. One day he's saying how he is so excited to meet his son and he's working so hard to get himself together so he can be there for him. He was asking my advice about volunteering so that he can be doing something useful while the pandemic is going on. Then today I asked if he had spoken to the person I'd recommended and he just says no he'd rather be dead cos he's struggling and he needs help.

I will admit I got a bit shirty and said he needs to find people to reach out to cos we are not friends

[Soconfusedandlost]

@RantyAnty he knows that I would never trust him again. That is a conversation we had when I was still pregnant and he had split with his wife again.

@PicsInRed I haven't posted about the sister before. It was just an example of one of the things I am still angry about regarding the family's behaviour. The ex, the exs sister and his daughter (over 18) all contacted me during pregnancy/shortly after birth to say about being in his life and then stayed away when he was having trouble

@sobeyondthehills @Hipsterjoe @Winterlife my issue is that the logical part of my brain knows that doing it now while son is young enough to forget him. But the angry part of me wants to tell him to knob off and stay away. I don't want a happy ending with him, if he's going to mess up I want him to do it sooner rather than later so I can then keep him away from my son but am aware the only one he had actually treated badly is me

[Hipsterjoe]

Gosh, I feel really sorry for your son. You need to protect him from his dad, not facilitate him hurting him. There’s so many red flags but you seem so desperate for a happy ending that you’re willing to ignore them. Right now do you think this man should be around your child? Do you think he will keep him safe and make him feel loved and cared for? If not, do everything you can to protect your son. Don’t imagine future conversations, act in his best interests now.

[Winterlife]

As your son is very young, after lockdown, I suggest you let him see your son in a controlled environment, with you present. You could go to a McDonalds or something similar. You can stand back and have a coffee away from them, but still there. Your son won't want to be handed off to a stranger.

If he can keep that up for, say, 3 months (or longer, depending on what you're comfortable with), then you can consider allowing him a half day or so with your son on his own.

I think having a father in your son's life is better for your son, but there has to be a consistency. Doing this by "experiment" at an early age is less detrimental to your son, I think. If he flakes out now, or within a year, your son likely won't remember him.

[sobeyondthehills]

I know you don't want to go into it again about CMS, but one of things you can do, is say I don't want your money but put £5 a week /month into a savings account for when DS is 18 would be a soluton.

At the moment, I think lockdown works for you and trying to gauge exactly what he wants, although there is a chance he could ramp it all up on the basis of not having anything else to do

[PicsInRed]

Ex's sister even came up to my friend in a pub and asked about contacting me before the birth. Friend passed her details to me so I messaged her about meeting up and she ignored the message and went back to my friend to say that she wanted to support her brother.

That sounds very familiar.
Have you written about this before?

If I recall correctly, the advice previously given was that the sister wanted to look, to others, like she wanted to help but she (and the family) actually didn't give a shit.

Was that the one?

[RantyAnty]

I suspect he's looking for some place to cocklodge. He's out of work. No income. No wife to skivvy and be his emotional tampon, No sex.

He's saying all the right things and as soon as he is over there, he'll say how sorry he was and it was all a mistake so fancy a shag.

Then, because of the virus, his work has dried up and if he moved in with you, he could really get to know his son.

[Soconfusedandlost]

He says the right things a d I want to believe hi. My worry is that he'll pull my son into his little circle of chaos and drama. He talks about DS meeting his family and how important it will be for DS and a big part of me thinks "they've all known about him for over a year and not one has asked about him or anything".

Sometimes I am so angry as we have been through a rough time since the last two months of the pregnancy and I feel that they're coming in and joining in when the hard bit is done when it's me and mine who have done the difficult bit. Ex's sister even came up to my friend in a pub and asked about contacting me before the birth. Friend passed her details to me so I messaged her about meeting up and she ignored the message and went back to my friend to say that she wanted to support her brother. Is that awful to be angry still?

[Sugartitss]

he deserves a chance and so does your son

[Soconfusedandlost]

He doesn't declare any income or claim any benefits. It's weird it's a bit like him being off grid in that sense. We weren't together long enough for me to question it tbh. He has said that as he can't work at the moment he is in money trouble as he has no money coming in. His money, his business is my thought on it.

[YRGAM]

A slight tangent here. But you mentioned previously that CMS was no use as he is paid cash in hand and not declaring. Well if he wants his 80% wage coverage from the Government, he will have to have declared something vaguely close to the truth. I know it's really tough to do it and that you fear it looking like cash for access, but now is a very good time to get a maintenance agreement.

[Soconfusedandlost]

So glad I asked this to be moved to relationships. I knew I'd get focused answers. I was glad of previous responses but they generally tended to be along the lines of he's a dick but this is based on facts and plans forward

[HappyHedgehog247]

It’s not petty or vindictive to protect your son from someone who is unreliable and untrustworthy. What a court order would do is clarify what is best for your child and provide a routine and structure which is again good for your child. Mediation is an option to formalise this. Your child is happy and settled.

[PicsInRed]

Also stop talking to him and just a hunch do not take him back or let him live with you when he's at a loose end and needs a table to get his feet under.

That will make him feel more entitled, more control over you and more likely to pursue formal access, not for your son but to retain control over you. Award of significant formal access to your son will be much more likely if he has recently lived with your son, particularly if he is unemployed and can try to frame himself as primary carer.

That's aside from the fact he will leech off you and ruin your and your son's lives.

Agree with PPs - "Grey Rock" is how to deal with him. With a solicitor's advice.

[PicsInRed]

He struggles with form filling

Perfect. Unlikely to file with family court then.

[PicsInRed]

I would keep all the evidence and ignore him.
It may be a good idea to meet with a solictor and get advice.

Respond via a solictor if he bothers to file with family court.

Given he is almost certainly just using you as a drama vector / fear source to control his wife, it's unlikely he'll file for formal access and subject himself to scrutiny.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Think you need to stop worrying about future reconciliation between ex and ds. Much more likely tp go like this :

Deadbeat dad; "hi 18 year old son. My exw won't let me see you and I couldn't face the arguments. Then your mother won't let me see you unless I went to court. It's not my fault!"
Son: "so why don't you go to court then?".
Deadbeat dad: "emmmm..I really really wanted to, but it was just too much effort".
Son: "wow you really are a waste of space! I'm off home to my mum who's consistently love me, cared for me and protected me alone for 18 years. I've never been too much effort for her."

[LilyMumsnet]

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you for your responses. He asked me about volunteering as I am helping recruit volunteers within a certain area and he is in next area over. He struggles with form filling so while asking about his son, he asked about how he could go about it if I had any advice. He knows that there is nothing between me and him except DS and that is it (a conversation we had when all the bad stuff came out so before DS was born

[REignbow]

Regardless of wether he is in his DC’s life or not, he is required to pay CMS.

Why are you talking to him? He’s awful and has been flakey in regards to your DS (demanding him to be called X, telling you he was taking him to see his family when a new born and being in and out of his life).

He may well have changed, but that is for him to prove. I’m not sure, why he’s asking YOU to help. He’s got his family and friends to do that.

IMO, this isn’t about your DS but him trying to reel you back in. Obviously his relationship with his wife has broken down again and he’s in between relationships. Do you not see a pattern here? He only contacts you, when when this happens.

You seem very nice but please see this guy for who he truly is.

[19lottie82]

He called tonight to ask for advice about finding volunteer work at moment

Does he not have access to google? Or is he just trying to ham up what a “great guy he is” (and I’m Guessing he won’t even bother volunteering.....)!