AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

[Soconfusedandlost]

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

[CloudyVanilla]

I'm sorry to hear that, it must make it even harder to know he is a capable father to his other children

I really hope everything turns out well for you and your little one OP, it's such a hard decision to make. I definitely lean more towards going forward without his involvement but totally respect why you would want to establish contact. I wish I had more practical advice or experience for you

[Gingerkittykat]

I would give him one chance, it's hard to know whether or not he could be a positive part of your son's life right now.

I agree take it very slowly, don't give him parental rights without a fight so he can't cause trouble down the line.

I have a child with CKD so understand the worries about food and medication well so I agree no unsupervised contact for a long time.

[PanamaPattie]

How do you know he’s a good Dad? You were together barely 3 months. You know he is unstable, you are in fear of his wife. Block all contact. Your DS doesn’t need a father like that. Many children grow up without a father. Most of the time it’s no great loss. Don’t feel guilty about not maintaining contact. Keep your DS safe. You wouldn’t want him near the wife.

[CaptSkippy]

I would say cut contact with this loser, for your own sanity as welll as the well being on your son. It will demonstrate to your son that he has a right to be treated with decency.

I would however tell your son the truth and not prevent him from seeking contact with his pathetic-excuse-of-a-human-being, bio-dad. Also tell him that you have no interest in being in contact yourself.

[Soconfusedandlost]

In response to questions about how long we were together, he is a friend of a friend. They grew up together since school (30 years of friendship) so she has told me how he is as a dad and she is shocked at his behaviour now

[septsapp]

I resent my mum for keeping it from me , not that I think he would have been a good dad but I'd like to have had the chance to make my own mind up about that , so I think as long as your honest when son asks and that you were concerned about him flirting in and out his life and dropping him when wife cane back on scene I think it's quite understandable! Maybe print this thread off and keep to show him all the things you felt at this time xx

[Tiredtiredtired100]

I think I would agree with the pp who suggested organising contact but the minute he started shirking his responsibilities telling him to go to the courts. I say this because you don’t have any concerns about him being abusive (just unable to meet your sons complex health needs, which most people who haven’t been in his life probably would be). I would suggest telling him to self refer to a contact centre and if he pays for it, then you will bring your son along no trouble:
naccc.org.uk/help-for-adults/how-are-visits-arranged/self-referral-steps
My guess is he won’t bother to do that.

[IntergalacticSuperstar]

This is my concern, that in 10-20 years my son will meet him and believe that his dad wanted contact and I blocked it by demanding court order

You could bend over backwards and acquiesce to everything, and he could still say that. Scummy men lie, you know this.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@intergalacticsuperstar I do know that scummy people lie. However DS is like my life compass. You know when peke say about meeting God when they die and looking him in the eye and answering honestly. When my son is 13 or 17 or 47, I want to be able to look him in the eye and say honestly that the actions I took were to give him the best life (also my DD who is 4 but is not related to this man so I have omitted her from the thread in case anyone advance searches and wonders how I misplaced a child)

[Pompei36]

You’re begging for punishment, cut him off completely, deal with your kid when he’s old enough to understand. Why do you even entertained his wife for ? what business have you got talking to her in first place? if it was any explaining to do at the time it was his job not yours .

[IntergalacticSuperstar]

So keep documentation for everything. Don't have important discussions face to face or by phone. Text, email, letters - things you can take copies of and put away for future reference.

[Dipi79]

He sounds like he has been an arrant arseholes. However, I do feel contact (whether through mediation or court) should be pursued, as should financial support. He has behaved abysmally, but I think your son has a right for his father to be given the opportunity to be a Dad.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@Pompei36 I don't entertain his wife. When I was pregnant and they got back together, she messaged me a lot of stuff basically accusing me of trying to trap him in a relationship and being a bad mum. I ignored her as the she was the only way to get info to him (was a difficult pregnancy and didn't want them saying I'd kept anything from them), just didn't respond to the abuse. However she was heard telling people that she hoped I died in childbirth and that my son would be retarded and stuff like that. Hence why I don't want her near me or knowing where I live

[TheArtfulScreamer1]

If you feel you owe it to your future son and self to try could you start by asking him to show willing towards his son and start paying maintenance when this has been steady consistent and paid without fuss for a few months allow letterbox contact and then slowly progress to supervised and finally unsupervised. If he's flaky and a dick you'll soon find out before it's to impactive on your son.

[UYScuti]

Him and his wife sound like 'bad news people', keep well away, drop right off their radar, don't tangle with them ...that's my feeling from reading this thread.
I really hope everything works out well for you, sounds as if you are doing everything you can to do the right thing and be a decent person, you deserve respect (and I'm sure that him and his missus will get what they deserve!)

[UYScuti]

Another way of looking at it OP, is that you are a 'prop' in the drama of their relationship, his involvement with you is something that he is manipulating and punishing her with, getting her all riled up and wanting you dead etc

[FortunesFave]

I'm going against the grain. I think that whilst he's been a prize idiot and bastard, he is now perhaps evaluating what he's done in light of his split from his wife.

He MAY be a twat but he's your son's Dad.

I would meet up with him at somewhere neutral...and have a coffee whilst he gets to know your son.

I would continue to do this and see how reliable he is. Make the meetings once a week.

If he fails to turn up or makes excuses or displays behaviour that's dodgy, terminate the arrangement and go back to "You're never being in his life"

I'd give him 6 months to a year of cafe meetings weekly as a way to prove himself.

Then at the end of that year, he can have an afternoon or a morning with your son.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thanks to everyone for your advice so far. I may fall asleep soon but am glad of any advice, thoughts, opinions or reallofe stories overnight as I have lots of thinking to do

[UYScuti]

Do you have any background info on the wife, is she going to be vindictive for example?

[UYScuti]

*known to be vindictive

[Soconfusedandlost]

I don't know her much except what she said to me and about me. I know she views DS dad as her property as she does not like my friends who were at school with him as feels they are trying to steal him. When they are together he is not allowed to be friends with them

[Soconfusedandlost]

Should say I have been told how she acts about my friends and I trust them but have had no prior interactions with her

[AcrossthePond55]

Ask him to provide you with his financials so the two of you can agree on an amount and then sign an agreement to pay child maintenance. You don't need CMS for that, he can do it voluntarily because it's the right thing. Watch him skedaddle back into the woodwork.

Just because he doesn't declare income it doesn't mean he isn't earning. He's funding his own life somehow.

[UYScuti]

I think she (the wife) will just be a big ole thorn in your side if you have any interactions with this man

[mamansnet]

I haven't been in a similar position OP but I agree with other posters that you should keep a diary of every interaction with your ex. Not just a log, but write down your emotions and feelings too so that in future, your son can read it and will understand how conflicted you felt over the whole thing. He might get angry, but at least you can show the effect it has had on you and the reasons for you doing things the way you are doing. I think you're a total hero by the way!