My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

215 replies

Soconfusedandlost · 07/03/2020 19:02

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

OP posts:
Report
Mix56 · 27/03/2020 17:50

He is a feckless tosser. you have done your maximum to think what is best for your DC, He thinks he can come & go as he wishes.
I would not make contact, see how long until he next pops up & tell him you are not about to introduce a "father" that is not consistent makes lame statements but never goes through with them this is just going to injure your child

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 27/03/2020 21:13

I think you're right. This shows his inconsistency even tho he's been given a second chance

OP posts:
Report
Soconfusedandlost · 27/03/2020 21:14

Also thank you for your responses

OP posts:
Report
Soconfusedandlost · 11/04/2020 04:37

After a fortnight he has suddenly got in touch again. He is adamant that he wants to be in his life, he's due appointment with doctor regarding detoxing but is actively reducing his alcohol limit whilst treatment on hold during coronavirus. He kept saying how he ca t believe he was so stupid to have agreed with his ex/now/could-be(?) wife about not seeing DS. He is swearing that he won't make that mistake again. He tried to pin all blame on her and that he'd never go back to her so he'd never do that to us again. I pointed out that he should've manned up and said "that's my kid, I'm in his life regardless". Him and her are none of my business except in relation to DS, told him that whether he gets back together with her or not, keep contact with DS as that's what I'm angry about.

OP posts:
Report
Gin4thewin · 11/04/2020 05:41

The man i adore and i consider my dad is not, biologically. I grew up knowing that and if i wanted to meet my sperm doner, my mum would arrange it. I never did. I had my dad. My suggestion is if little'un isnt old enough to remember him if he leaves again, let him try but as your boy grows and asks who his dad is, be honest and leave the decision up to him. I presume hes not on the birth certificate so wouldnt have equal rights.

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2020 06:27

You are spending far too much time wondering and worrying about this man. He is a manipulative liar. He will tell you anything, that pops into his head.

Regarding the question how do I get him to show commitment to ds. You can’t. The only person you can control is yourself.

As for maintenance, you’re looking at this all the wrong way imo. You may be able to manage without the money from him. But this is money for your ds rather than for you. This is a rainy day fund for the two of you, perhaps savings for your ds’s future. This could pay for an activity when your ds gets older for example.

Right now your ds is so tiny and you can’t imagine him wanting to do a hobby when he is bigger. Or maybe just wanting a pair of branded trainers. Or a weekend away with his mates. Or money for his education.

It isn’t fair or right that you have decided not to claim money for your ds. You are cutting of your nose to spite your face. Any decent father would have offered money already. He’s had plenty of time. Now it’s time to advocate for your ds and contact the cms to get maintenance payments.

Report
Mix56 · 11/04/2020 08:19

Oh so he has an addiction as well...
If DC asks about his father, you can simply tell the truth, he dumped you both, intermittently made flakey promises, that never came to fruition.
He never helped financially, he dipped in & out of his relation with his wife, & he was an alcoholic....
To introduce this idiot your baby is an accident waiting to happen.

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 11/04/2020 11:30

The drinking thing is a concern. I've told him that he is not allowed near DS if had a drink or I believe he has had a drink. Its fairly recent as when we were together he wasn't alcohol reliant.

So the general consensus is as my son is only 18 months old, let him try but be vigilant and don't let him mess him about?

OP posts:
Report
Mix56 · 11/04/2020 11:52

He is already messing about, read your first post,
The DNA, the name, taking newborn to his family, bullshit about who's responsible.
You had a fling with a man who lied from the get go.
Now he wants to be in child's life but disappears for 2 weeks.
It will only last until he reunites with his wife, or gets a new gf.
Just grey rock him, you can't see if there is anything genuine until the present pandemic is over anyway.
You could tell him his CMS is X amount, see how fast he disappears into the sunset

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 11/04/2020 22:40

@mix56 thanks for your advice. I've already spoken about maintenance so I'll leave that to one side.

We've discussed his mistakes in the past and that this is his last chance really before DS is old enough to remember being messed around which is why I think he's so adamant he won't screw it up this time. As I've said before, I'm scared to trust him and to believe him but I don't want to be the one who blocks him and then my son resents me for it when he's older

OP posts:
Report
Everydayishistorytomorrow · 12/04/2020 00:33

No father is better than a shit father and role model. Absolutely!

Report
Mix56 · 12/04/2020 08:30

The CMS comment was to demonstrate how committed he is to this sudden desire to be in child's life.
There was no effort when baby was in & out of hospital.
He is looking for attention intermittently, & you are giving it to him.
Error

Report
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/04/2020 16:29

Will he give permission for you to talk to his alcohol counsellor? You need to know that he is sober and that he is committed to remaining sober. I wouldn’t be letting him get involved with my child’s life until at least 60 days sober.

(For the record relapse rates for those under a year sober are about two thirds. It is only once you get to over a year that the relapse rates fall to less than 50%.)

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 12/04/2020 17:29

@mumoftwoyoungkids thank you for that, I didn't know about those numbers which adds a bit of perspective

OP posts:
Report
Soconfusedandlost · 16/04/2020 22:00

He's now contacting every 2-3 days asking how we're doing and reiterating his intentions to meet DS. He seems focused which is unusual for him and keeps saying that he knows what he needs to do now to sort this out. He called tonight to ask for advice about finding volunteer work at moment as he is not able to work while pandemic is going on so is looking to keep himself busy that way. He has said that he knows that sitting in and over thinking his mistakes is making him want to drink so he thinks volunteering is a good outlet

OP posts:
Report
19lottie82 · 16/04/2020 23:57

He called tonight to ask for advice about finding volunteer work at moment

Does he not have access to google? Or is he just trying to ham up what a “great guy he is” (and I’m Guessing he won’t even bother volunteering.....)!

Report
REignbow · 17/04/2020 02:17

Regardless of wether he is in his DC’s life or not, he is required to pay CMS.

Why are you talking to him? He’s awful and has been flakey in regards to your DS (demanding him to be called X, telling you he was taking him to see his family when a new born and being in and out of his life).

He may well have changed, but that is for him to prove. I’m not sure, why he’s asking YOU to help. He’s got his family and friends to do that.

IMO, this isn’t about your DS but him trying to reel you back in. Obviously his relationship with his wife has broken down again and he’s in between relationships. Do you not see a pattern here? He only contacts you, when when this happens.

You seem very nice but please see this guy for who he truly is.

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 17/04/2020 17:20

Thank you for your responses. He asked me about volunteering as I am helping recruit volunteers within a certain area and he is in next area over. He struggles with form filling so while asking about his son, he asked about how he could go about it if I had any advice. He knows that there is nothing between me and him except DS and that is it (a conversation we had when all the bad stuff came out so before DS was born

OP posts:
Report
LilyMumsnet · 17/04/2020 21:27

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP. Flowers

Report
Thingsdogetbetter · 18/04/2020 09:00

Think you need to stop worrying about future reconciliation between ex and ds. Much more likely tp go like this :

Deadbeat dad; "hi 18 year old son. My exw won't let me see you and I couldn't face the arguments. Then your mother won't let me see you unless I went to court. It's not my fault!"
Son: "so why don't you go to court then?".
Deadbeat dad: "emmmm..I really really wanted to, but it was just too much effort".
Son: "wow you really are a waste of space! I'm off home to my mum who's consistently love me, cared for me and protected me alone for 18 years. I've never been too much effort for her."

Report
PicsInRed · 18/04/2020 10:37

I would keep all the evidence and ignore him.
It may be a good idea to meet with a solictor and get advice.

Respond via a solictor if he bothers to file with family court.

Given he is almost certainly just using you as a drama vector / fear source to control his wife, it's unlikely he'll file for formal access and subject himself to scrutiny.

Report
PicsInRed · 18/04/2020 10:38

He struggles with form filling

Perfect. Unlikely to file with family court then. Wink

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

PicsInRed · 18/04/2020 10:43

Also stop talking to him and just a hunch do not take him back or let him live with you when he's at a loose end and needs a table to get his feet under.

That will make him feel more entitled, more control over you and more likely to pursue formal access, not for your son but to retain control over you. Award of significant formal access to your son will be much more likely if he has recently lived with your son, particularly if he is unemployed and can try to frame himself as primary carer.

That's aside from the fact he will leech off you and ruin your and your son's lives.

Agree with PPs - "Grey Rock" is how to deal with him. With a solicitor's advice.

Report
HappyHedgehog247 · 18/04/2020 11:14

It’s not petty or vindictive to protect your son from someone who is unreliable and untrustworthy. What a court order would do is clarify what is best for your child and provide a routine and structure which is again good for your child. Mediation is an option to formalise this. Your child is happy and settled.

Report
Soconfusedandlost · 18/04/2020 17:51

So glad I asked this to be moved to relationships. I knew I'd get focused answers. I was glad of previous responses but they generally tended to be along the lines of he's a dick but this is based on facts and plans forward

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.