Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thank you dancer for the new thread.

uncorrected what you say really makes sense actually. We’ve not been at his place for ages because it’s a serviced apartment with a creepy landlord who lies in wait to pounce on me 😱, and my house is just much nicer with a cuddly dog to boot. I shall redress the balance as you suggest. Thank you.

I think part of my wobble, I’m ashamed to say, is that Mr Mad has been in touch with very funny and endearing memes. He is catnip to me. I should block and delete him, but I won’t. Not very together at all I’m afraid!

Thanks for the new thread dancer
Tiger is it just the gin that's made you feel like this, or is this on top of other niggles and feels like the final straw?
If it's just the gin do you think it might just be triggering thoughts of how your ex treated you and assumptions it will follow a similar pattern?
If it's a one-off then possibly give him the benefit of the doubt, or if he's starting to take advantage of your hospitality then say something.
Everything had seemed great up till now from your posts, so do you think it could be resolved?
Don't assume everybody is the same, and an old familiar pattern is being resumed just based on one thing, I did that and look where it got me.

Cross post 😂

Thanks for the new thread!

@tigerdater I guess even when I say people can help themselves I show them what they can have or I’ll put drinks and food on the side , it’s not a genuine Free for all. You could tackle it maybe in a round about way by saying you are cutting down on buying alcohol to save up as it goes so quick 🤷🏼‍♀️.

ant again a good point. Mr GN is not my XH and in almost no other respect does he remind me of him. I’ll definitely bear that in mind.

So glad I posted!

Doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him about it so it doesn't become a pattern Tiger but I just started joining dots that weren't really there and assumed life was repeating itself.
Don't get me wrong when I look back now there were problems which I either chose to ignore or trotted out "nobody's perfect" or assumed the good outweighed the bad, but I'm coming round to thinking actually as much as I miss her maybe this was for the best.

Hi, I’m new to this thread. Was married for 6 years and I divorced my husband last year. After 6 months of being single I joined Tinder in Jan. The first date I went on was surprisingly good, the guy was gorgeous and we got on amazingly. I could hardly believe my luck. We had another date the following week which was even better and another one the week after that, then we didn’t see each other for a couple of weeks as we were both abroad but we got together last Friday (the day I got back from my trip) and again we really seemed to click and the chemistry was still amazing. We had great sex too. He came out to watch me run a big half marathon event last Sunday and I was so happy to see him there waiting for me behind the barriers at the side of the road.

Then on Wednesday I messaged him to ask if he wanted to go to the cinema this weekend (as he mentioned on Friday that we should go and see more films together) and he replied that even though he tried he couldn’t find a connection between us or any feelings and he hoped I could meet someone better. Without really thinking it through I immediately replied “I’m sorry you don’t think we don’t have a connection but if that’s the way you feel there’s nothing I can do about it” and I haven’t heard from him since. So that’s that. I’ve been really tempted to message him to say how hurtful I find it that after four dates (three of which ended in sex) he can tell me he doesn’t feel any connection, and if he really didn’t feel any connection at all then why did we even have a second date. But I haven’t sent the message as I don’t think it would make me feel any better or achieve anything. I feel so stupid though as I really thought he liked me because he was so affectionate when we were together and he sent me lovely, flirty, funny messages when we were apart. I really wish I hadn’t replied to his last message at all, I should have just left him hanging.

I’m so gutted – I’d like to be able to remember our time together in a positive way but now I just feel like he was acting all along. While I was with him thinking “This guy’s really good company, I really like being around him”, he was thinking “I don’t feel a connection with this woman at all, what am I even doing here”. It just seems so weird though as it felt like we were getting on brilliantly and were pretty well-suited! And I’m sure the chemistry I felt between us wasn’t all in my head. He always seemed pleased to see me and it was him that suggested meeting up each time.

Anyway, clearly I need to try and get over this guy as quickly as possible so I have another date lined up for middle of next week with a French guy from Tinder. He seems nice and normal so far so we’ll see how it goes…

Hey team, checking in. I’m having a wobble with Mr Big. It’s going no where fast. Think I might be back with you all soon!

Don't leave us anyway marlbs. I'm 8 months in with Mr B bit still here! Sorry to hear things aren't moving on. I think you knew this was a strong possibility. Still sucks though.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 sorry to hear that, what's happened?

@Toucan123 - welcome to the thread! That sounds grim, poor you.....so many men that will carry on with it and have sex and then decide there is no connection! That's awful though....sorry.

@Toucan123 Congratulations and well done on the half marathon. Could be that he's an avoidant type and he did feel something and ran away from it in full on self sabotaging mode. I think such explanations leave the door open for you to forgive them their behaviour however. it may be that he's just a love bombing shitbag. I would tend towards the latter explanation as he didn't even meet/talk with you and explain his thoughts and offer you some solace and gratitude. Everyone here will say good it's happened early on and you've dodged a bullet, and while that's true it doesn't really help allay the shock of such an abrupt end to something you thought had promise

This situation has been much discussed on the thread and the go to book (if you haven't come across it) describing this behaviour seems to be the one by Natalie Lue - 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl'. Her blog/website is good too: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

@Toucan123. I'm sorry to hear that, it's one of my biggest fears of online/modern dating. By the time I'm ready to sleep with someone I'm almost fully committed to them, which doesn't seem to match up with how it is these days.

But, my top three requirements in a man are (in no particular order) dark hair, tanned forearms with pale long sleeves messily rolled up and a fabulous voice/accent combination. So, you know, silver linings with Mr French and all that.

#shallow

Ah thanks guys! I wasn’t sure about posting on here but I’m glad I did now. It’s nice to talk to people who totally understand where you’re coming from. This guy did show a lot of signs of being a commitment-phobe to be honest – he’s 40 years old (I’m 44) and he said he hadn’t really had a relationship for three years (and even that wasn’t serious by the sound of things) and had met about six women on Tinder but things hadn’t worked out with any of them long term. So maybe the connection I felt was real and he did quite like me really but ended things before they were in danger of getting serious. That’s what I’m going to keep telling myself because it makes me feel better . And I’m still not going to message him, no matter how tempting it is!

@HairyArsedMan I’ll definitely have a look at that blog – thanks.

I’ll let you know how it goes with the French guy (I guess I’ll call him Mr French). He’s meeting me for a drink after work on Wednesday night.

Yes I'm coming round to that way of thinking @shitwithsugaron part of me wants to text her just to say "so have you made your mind up". But I think that's more about closing the chapter off because I already know the answer.
Won't do me any favours and I think in reality as much as I convinced myself I'd made a mistake finishing with her, those issues were issues that I just trivialised deciding I'd made a mistake.
Well I think so anyway, depends which day you ask me tbh, today's a positive day 😂

Welcome @Toucan123 Sorry to hear your story - but unfortunately seems like a familiar tale - it happened to me too, except in my case I didn't even get a "You're not for me" message I just got Ghosted.
I gather from speaking to male friends in real life that once you sleep with a guy the thrill goes out of it for them and they want to move on - depressing but probably true.If only here were a way to tell for sure what these men were like BEFORE we sleep with them!

Following! X

toucan sorry that’s crap. Keep your chin up and keep dating.

Ah shitwith it’s the same old. No time etc. I’m mad about him and when we are together I honestly think he feels the same but he is very hesitant about actually letting me in his life. I got asked out by a really nice guy last week. I said no but he sent me a lovely message and it’s made me think. Mr Fact also contacted me this week and I remembered how nice he was 🤷‍♀️. What happened with Mr List?

I've heard that too @iamthrough and I know that's true a lot of the time... But in my last relationship I slept with the guy on the first date and I ended up marrying him! I probably shouldn't have slept with this latest one so quickly but OMG I fancied him SOO much and I hadn't had sex for about 8 months. I felt really safe and comfortable with him and it just felt right. And clearly he'd have dumped me after a couple more dates anyway so it doesn't make much difference really... I guess one of the positives I should take away from this is that I got to have some great sex for the first time in AGES (ex husband drank an awful lot which I think affected his sex drive)... And even though the "no connection" text he sent me was a bit harsh, I'd have found being ghosted a lot harder I think.

Sorry to hear what happened Toucan. Some people just don't want relationships but are happy to give that impression to get sex. I'm late 40s and net a man similar age whose longest relationship had been three months! He was attractive, charming, educated but was looking for the perfect person and I don't think anyone will match up for him. Actually, he was 51, I remember now.

OLD isn't easy for many reasons. You need a thick skin and to be optimistic but realistic as well. Not everyone is after what they say they are.

Mind yourself and, when ready, dip the toe in again. I'm nearly 6 months with someone I met OLD and am very happy. He's a gem but it took a good while to find him, so keep the faith

Sorry to hear that Marls I know you were suspect as to whether anything would actually change. Have you talked to him about it?

Just checking in. Will catch up shortly.

Trying to avoid my phone as much as possible today. Haven't heard from Mr Army yet today and overthinking why he hasn't messaged me. The rational side of me says that he is just busy at work and will when he gets the chance to. The overthinking insecure part of me says that all he wanted was sex, knows the cheating tosser and it's all just one big joke.
He has read receipts and last online turned off but every times I have been on WhatsApp he hasn't been online. Im trying to be patient but it's hard when I don't really have much to keep myself occupied with at the moment.