Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

However, What I cannot get my head around is the seemingly widespread expectation to DTD on the 3rd or 4th date.
Am I totally unreasonable to only want to take the (to me) momentous step of getting between the sheets once I'm sure that I am in a proper relationship which is going somewhere?

This is 100% how I feel. Plus all the seeing multiple people at the same time business. If you can hack it, I can see it's good, but I would just crumple at any of that, it would destroy me. Which makes me think if this is how it is now, what hope do I have? I'm almost 50 which is......not good tbh.

Well...Mr ski sent me a photo of himself dressed up (think stockings and heals), I’m not sure if it was a one off fancy dress thing or if he regularly dresses in women’s underwear 🤔, I am now a bit worried about seeing him again, I’m not against a bit of kink but the photo shocked me a little, not really my kind of thing. I didn’t know how to react so just sent a laughing emoji, I haven’t messaged him since.

Love music....can you ask if he is going to a fancy dress party or similar?

If it's a hobby and he is gauging you about it drop, drop, drop!!!!!

@FlowerArranger just do what you feel comfortable with! I clicked with the iron I'm seeing and had to stop myself from jumping into bed on the first night. (I managed to wait a whole 24 hours haha) but if you want to wait and the guy is decent he will be happy to wait too.

I feel like I might have cocked up telling him how I feel. Argh. I dont know what I'm doing. I wish I was more relaxed about the whole thing but there is just something about him I really like and I never think anyone ever likes me back unless they are super obvious about it. I guess i will see if he gets in touch.

Christ love, this sort of thing really puts me off old !

@Ant330. Why don't you go for it, 100%, not looking at other profiles etc, and see? If you are wholeheartedly going for it, I think you will quickly see one way or the other how it's going.

But my love life is dryer than a desert so what do I know?

ant. Sigh. I don’t really know what to say except...sleep on it at least...then decide whether you want another year of messing around.

FlowerArranger you have to be true to yourself. I’m not sure things have changed that much from when I was young (I’m older than you). I’ve always been a leap into bed woman, then and now, but many women weren’t then and aren’t now either. Don’t feel you have to conform to anyone else’s expectations but your own, it doesn’t work. I did change my behaviour from when I was young by multidating and I wish I hadn’t, it was stressful (although fun right at the start).

Ah @Ant330. I know you're likely going to give things another go with Miss H but I can't help thinking if you were meant to be together and were completely right for each other then it wouldn't be this difficult.

Sometimes I think loving someone just isn't enough.

Is Ant talking about miss haircut or miss confusing or someone else actually? I keep mixing him up with The Cat in the Hat I think. Still, my advice stays the same I think. The way he wrote it seemed like unfinished business.

@Dazed are you waiting on a reply from him? I hope it's positive for you.

Sorry ( wrong tagging again)

@Lovemusic33. Maybe he was going to a party or to see the rocky horror show. I’m very accepting of people whatever they want to do generally but I’m not sure I’d want to partner who did it.

@bangheadhere40 we talked about it in person last night. But I was a few drinks down which was probably not the best time. I'm going to wait and see if he initiates meeting up again, which he did mention. I dont want us to label it as a relationship yet I just want to know hes not sleeping with other people and is happy with how things are going

A day or so away from the thread, and there are loads of updates!

@UncorrectedDoormat I can deal with harsh :) I see what you're saying, but I'm not sure I agree it's creepy. I admit I am struggling to move on, but honestly the connection right from the start that I felt with her was better than anyone else I've dated. And although we only dated for 3 months, we spoke almost every day for 6 months. I'm trying to move on, but am being honest with my thoughts here as it helps to put it down in writing, and I do value the advice I receive on this thread.

I just have a gut feeling that there is still something there - I've had the same feeling with two exes previously, and in both cases after some time we got back in touch and ended up getting back together. I'm sure I'm not alone in having friends who are happily with partners who they dated, broke up with and then got back together with. People change, situations change and feelings change. And in her case, all along she's said it's nothing to do with her feelings about me, it's purely bad timing and her being unable to deal with anything other than her work stress and depression at the moment. Anyway, I'm trying to focus on other things, and have resisted the temptation to get in touch with her.

@Menora glad you're OK after your car crash - hopefully it's not too much hassle to get everything sorted with insurance.

@dancemom a friend was telling me the same thing, that most of the guys she speaks to on the apps don't commit to meeting. She also said that she she had read some research that suggested 1 in 4 men on the apps are married or in a relationship, and most of these get a kick out of matching and arranging to meet, but don't go through with it. Saying that, I find the same thing with some women - although it does seem to be less common.

@FlowerArranger as a guy, I don't have a problem with waiting to DTD if I like the person, and if they don't want to wait then you know they aren't the right person for you.

@Ant330 this must be so stressful for you - I've been in your shoes before, and it's tough. But you seem to be more on the side of wanting to give it another go. My advice, for what it's worth, is to give it one final try so if it doesn't work out, you know for sure you did everything you could. It seems that you've wanted to try when she hasn't, and vice versa so getting yourself aligned is the key. Then have some great make up sex, and spend some quality time together to build new foundations.

@RedIsWhereItsAt I hope he's not talking about Miss Confusing - I'll be most unimpressed if he is

As for Miss Haircut, I've decided to stop going on dates with anyone else, and to be honest don't really have the urge to even go on the apps at the moment. I'm not sure where things will go with her long term, but I just don't feel right dating others when I'm sleeping with her. I need to just focus on her, and finding out what she wants as well as deciding what I want.

@Thecatwiththehat I just think that if it was me and I really liked someone that much, I wouldn't risk losing them the way Miss Confusing is with you.
Not many people are honest and tell the other person it's because they are just not feeling it.

Jane you could be right, could have been some kind of themed party and he did have his face painted 🤣. I’m pretty open minded and his legs looked pretty good to be fair.

lovemusic has he explained his choice of attire? Have you asked him to explain?

@TigerDater.... (I’m older than you)

You cannot possibly be older than me. I'm ancient. 60+ ... But I'm hoping that there are decent men my age out there who are looking for someone like me. I'm in good shape, quite pretty (albeit with a few wrinkles...), intelligent, accomplished, well read, up for new experiences.... and modest to boot

Ah @ant330 def have a good think tonight. I assume it's been a big deal for her to get to this place.

flowerarranger ah ok, I don’t know why I assumed you were under 50 but you win on the aged and fabulous front I’m a mere slip at 57 - point is still valid though, you do what’s right for you on OLD, whatever everyone else does (or seems to do). Good luck and have fun!

Hello, this is my first ever post on this site and thread - I'm a 57 yr old bloke and I'm dipped my toe into OLD and I've been dating Ms Travel after first chatting for a couple of weeks and we've been on five dates since mid Feb. We've had several kiss and cuddle moments on the sofa and my place but its not gone further, my question is whether I should let Ms Travel take the lead beyond this stage? I want a proper relationship, I don't want to scare her off by being too forward or pushy but I want to be seen as confident enough to take it further - but I'm having a crisis of overthinking everything.

I joined this site to get a woman's viewpoint and insight to help me. Ms Travel is almost same age and has not stopped me from kissing or caressing her so far....

Tiger no he hasn’t but I’m guessing it was rocky horror show related judging by the make up, silly me just jumped to conclusions 🤣.

@Fender222. Where does she live in relation to you ? Does she always go home after dates. You could subtly introduce the idea of a sleep over or let her take the lead , different people have different times when they are happy to progress to the next stage