Dating Thread 186 - Heading into Spring with thicker skin and a new outlook on dating

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

checking in!

Hey all, long time lurker, and in a complicated and conflicted dating position. What do you do when you know logically your relationship has no future but you feel too much for them to leave?

@WanderingLost167 that was me!

You end up spending the anniversary of your first date having sex and eating together. Even though you split up 6 mo the ago. You keep pulling each other back over and over. You try to do old but can't find anyone you're interested in. No idea what happens in the end but it's going to be messy....

That's so me, I should leave and find someone else. We had a break and no one matched him, we trying being friends and last two weeks before deciding we wanted more.

But long term he's adamant it can't work and I should really start dating someone else...

Back from my date with Mr Ski, went to his house, he’s obviously very well off, he took a call when I was there and there was talk of very large sums of money (felt awkward). He’s invited me to stay next weekend but not sure if I can as it’s DD’s birthday and I have made plans. We went out for lunch and back to his for a bit, there was a bit of kissing. Not sure i feel a spark, maybe because I’m worried that we have nothing in common, though he seems nice (no red flags).

Meh. Mr “I don’t want to get off the apps but still want you to shag me” has a very thick skin and is continually texting me. Despite me ignoring him.
I’ve got irons tho!

Oh I understand that WanderingLost. I still work with mine and it’s HARD. I just keep reminding myself over and over and over that we need different things from life and it’ll never work.

Thanks so much @Windmillwhirl. Good to hear you met someone lovely in the end!

@TigerDater I'm hoping you're just having a moment with mr G. As is often the case! It could be seen as nice that he feels so at home. After 7 months mr U wouldn't even get himself a drink of water. Too uncomfortable. One day I will stop using him as a comparison.

Just on way to his business. Will be having some overlong sex followed immediately by a shower... while he complains about the uk. 🙄 ffs.

lovemusic maybe say you’ll just see him for a few hours next weekend but not stay?

I’m only seeing Mr GN once next week and not at all the week after so I’m not going to make any sudden moves. I think last night was a lack of synch really, both stressed about work but had to cancel plans to go out because of the weather, and I reverted to my weird gin niggle. I will talk to him about it. I’m happy that he feels relaxed but from the start he’s known about my barriers and need for independence, and he needs to be clear that’s not changed so he can’t ever be too relaxed in my home as it won’t ever be his!

unambiguous the shower thing you mentioned reminds me of that body condom picture simon put up 😂. Enjoy the sex.

Oh yeah. I forgot about that. That was that whole conversation. Honestly the stuff I ignore with him is incredible. He gave me a big snog at the back of his business and we're both all 🥰

Oh Dancerinthemoonlight Im a longterm lurker jumping on to say I completely understand its horrible when exes suddenly develop some sort of homing device when you're happy and choose just that moment to rear their ugly heads.
I know what a small world the Army is.
If your ex has heard about you and Mr Army, I bet your ex is just jealous and trying to cause trouble.
I completely understand the fear.
Im sure its not a joke.
But if it is, then the joke's on them for being arseholes.
Mr Army sounds like a good guy.
Remember, if your ex has said something to Mr Army, only bullies spread rumours. Funny how often cheaters are bullies and liars too.
If Mr Army does know your ex, I might be temtped to tell Mr Army as soon as you can that this guy was your ex, that he's bothering you, that you had trouble with him in the past, that he cheated on you and upset you, that he's just contacted you again out of the blue, that you're worried he might have heard that the two of you have been on some dates, that you're worried he's trying to cause trouble and that you wish he hadnt contacted you and that he has upset you again now and that you've blocked him and that you dont want to hear from him again. Full stop.
Maybe you could gently ask Mr Army if he knows him and explain your worry?
Also, later on, when a good opportunity arises Mr Army might be very, very pleased to hear that he gave you the best time - tell him what you told us on the thread - that you didnt know it could be so good.
Mr Army might well be very pleased to realise that he's given you a much, much better time than in bed than your ex ever managed to!
Might also give him some useful ammunition to bring a halt to any soldier banter from your ex.

I certainly wouldnt be suggesting you said this to him if it wasnt true but it is!!
It sounded as if things have been so nice and natural for you and him and you've been so clear in everything you've said to him. You've done everything so well! I so dont want your ex to spoil it for you.
So hoping you and Mr Army can continue enjoying that lovely, special time of getting to know eachother.
Hope you dont mind me jumping in but I really felt for you reading your posts, I have sort of been in a similar situation. Good luck and wishing you lots more lovely days and nights with Mr Army!

Checking in lots to catch up
I had a car accident this morning (am fine) but Mr M was amazing

I didn’t call him immediately to tell him what happened as he has 2 days off and went out last night and I assumed hung over AF and not worth the bother (me being Miss Dont Need Anyone) and anyway nothing he could do

So I went to work and then he called me later and I got upset. I don’t know why! he came straight over and took me for lunch

I hope you guys are all ok xx

@goodnighmooon I don't mind at all you jumping in. Mr Army does know a little about my ex because we broke all the first date rules of talking about previous relationships etc. He knows that they are both from the same small island in the Caribbean and that they are both in the Army. There is 7 years difference between then with my ex being older if the two. They aren't in the same job in the army, ex is engineers and Mr Army is logistics. Bases are about 200 or so miles apart so I don't know what the chances are of them knowing of each other. Even though I have dated a man in the army before I know little to nothing about life in the army, how much time is spent working etc because the ex never allowed me to ask questions about it. We would just go out for food and then fuck, he would last maybe 5-10 minutes tops.
The history between the ex and and I is that he split up with me over phone call 21st February last year with now I what know we're a lot of lies. Stupidly hooked up twice celebrating each of our bithdays and stopped talking in May. Found out that he had an older child and a fiance back in the Caribbean I didn't know about and then I found out in September he had just had a newborn.
My messages have been delivered to Mr Army so I know I haven't been blocked. Im hoping he is just busy as he has been given the lead/more responsibility on a task they are currently working on.
Mr Army is all of the good points of every man I have dated or been in a relationship with. So easy to talk to, knows more about me than I think my ex ever did, it just feels so easy when I'm not overthinking things, never moaned about picking me up as I'm not allowed to drive at the moment. Fine he is a bit shorter that I would like but you can't have it all

goodnightmooon I’ve never dated someone in the army but I don’t see why the basic principle shouldn’t apply here: don’t talk about your ex to a current iron! It’s your business, not theirs.

I’m sure your ex doesn’t really know anything about Mr Army, dancer, it’s just that weird thing that happens whereby exes pop up just when you’re finally settled happily OR you’ve been settled but you’ve had a niggle. It doesn’t mean anything.

@TigerDater I'm sure it's just my insecurities playing up at the moment. I'm not going to tell Mr Army that my ex has been in contact. It would be weird like him telling me he talks to his fwb.
Just trying to remain patient and trying to be positive. It's so hard when I have not much to do and not even allowed to drive at the moment. It's driving me crazy

I sympathise dancer, you must be so frustrated - but staying strong nonetheless!

And now I feel stupid for worrying. Bless him, he has apologised for not texting me today and even remembered that I was going for my wound check.
Why the hell do ex's do this. At least he is blocked now so although I will get a notification if he calls it won't actually ring.
I think I'm just over thinking and wanting to self sabotage as he seems to good and to easy to be real

I let down Mr Roof gently (thanks @HairyArsedMan), then mentioned him to my friend who he had slagged off...she remembered him as being over friendly and a bit creepy so I’m pleased I sent the message. I knew there was something about him I couldn’t quite put my finger on, Old is helping me establish good boundaries.

Shit I think I will go on the 3rd date and then see how I feel, he wants to go for a bike ride which could be fun. He has been messaging me this evening suggesting sex, not sure if I’m ready for that yet, he’s not my usual type physically and I need to either feel a spark or find someone extremely attractive before I jump into bed with them 🤣.

I messaged current iron (after Dutch courage and the peer pressure of freinds) to say I liked him and needed to know if he liked me too. (Urgh such a teenager) we both like each other we have a lot going on but agreed to see how it goes. Argghhh I feel better but I dont talk about feelings so I feel so vulnerable

@Menora glad you are ok!

@Menora glad ur ok.

I'm having a really crap night. the iron I thought was genuine cancelled on me tonight then blocked me.

thn...an old iron - he initially messed me around but had family prob so gave him benefit if doubt but hes actually just a user sleeping around. I dont know why I've not deleted (I have a soft spot) but have made it really clear I need someone who is at least looking for a relationship I def dont want a fb. I've been feeling really pleased and confident that I done that and have been declining his offers to meet (for sex) but tonight he messaged and cos I'd been let down I caved in but because I didnt jump and meet when he said to he just ignored me. feeling pretty crap - in tears. I told him to delete my number and he blocked me. I've blocked and deleted too (eventually) but I just feel so sad 😢. sad he didnt change his mind and sad that he thought all I was good for is sex. i know I'll re-read the rules!

an older guy who I'd turned down mtg before has asked to meet again. I dont think i feel attracted to him from pics. but dunno if i should meet and see 😕

sorry for the novel.

@crazycatlady20, that sounds like a really rough night and I can fully understand how upset you might have felt. I think a Re read of the rules is definitely called for this morning. We can't have one of our ' gang' feeling like this ! Hopefully you will wake up and stick to fingers up to those guys last night. Neither of them is worth one further thought. But I also know that things can sometimes hit hard. I usually feel a mixture of pissed off with them for their arse hole treatment and utterly frustrated with myself for allowing it to get to me. But remember they don't know you and it 100% is their problem and not yours.