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Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/02/2020 19:08

No, but I can imagine that it's partly statistics - after late twenties there are s lot more chancing, cheating attached men than there are truly single men. Women.may end up feeling like they never meet anyone single ABC lots of people "overlap" in relationships so go along with it.

Women also tend to think that men think/are motivated like they are i.e. most (not all of course) women would have to.be quite unhappy to cheat in a relationship, it usually means she would leave in the right circumstances ..
And women think most men are the sane, but in fact men's capacity for opportunistic cheating without significant dissatisfaction is quite high (without contraception from an evolutionary angle it would be low investment, scatter gun reproduction). They think the men are unhappy and want to.leave; whereas they really might not be to any great extent. Men will happily play along with that narrative too - because not much extra marital nooky was gotten by saying "I love my wife and don't plan to leave her, but if like some different p*ssy on the side".
He'll then string ow along for as long as it takes before he gets bored with the shagging, or wife finds out and throws him out of accepts counselling to solve their problems (their problems being he's a low integrity, opportunistic shit).

I suppose the ow also gets the romance, illicit fun etc without the drag of everyday mundane stuff so it's kind of addictive. Plus there's's the addition of the pick me dance.

Lots of factors.

category12 · 26/02/2020 19:23

Perhaps you're attracted to unavailability? To situations that have obstacles and difficulties?

When you find yourself the mistress, do you actually want him to leave his wife/girlfriend or would you run a mile if he did?

Bahhhhhumbug · 26/02/2020 19:32

No l haven't ever been OW nor would l ever be on principle. But something that puzzles me is that l always seem be on the side of the OW in a film or drama and see the wife as an annoying hindrance and dislike her character.
Maybe it's the way the wife is portrayed in these scripts as a battle axe, nagging or driven her dh away by some negative behaviour or personality trait or other.

brassicaburritos · 26/02/2020 19:40

For me, men with partners (or very demanding jobs) are refreshingly low maintenance.

You never have to meet their family, friends or colleagues
They don't expect numerous texts and calls
Tend to be on their best behaviour, especially sexually
Tend to be generous with gifts, meals out etc
They understand when you break things off as you're moving away/met someone you want to commit to/want to concentrate on career, etc
It's rare for them to catch feelings (and if they do you can just bin them off with no repercussions)

The one thing I'd caution is against men who you work with, especially anyone senior to you. (That goes for all types of romantic relationships, mind.) Waaaay too awkward when you break it off.

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 19:53

Repeated OW? "Often"?

Psycopathy or narcissism.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 26/02/2020 19:56

I think its probably down to having absolutely no morals at all.

HollowTalk · 26/02/2020 19:58

Is there love bombing by the guy?

Ellisandra · 26/02/2020 20:02

Often?
Then either pure shitty selfishness, or very low self esteem.

I was sort of there once. No sex. Married man, wife didn’t love him, no sex, she’d had affairs (said he), he couldn’t leave her as she had MH issues (said he). He would phone me from his office during the night - shall businesses, so he could sleep there sometimes. We saw each other because of a sport like engagement. I would say there was an emotional affair - he was sharing all his talk with me, not her. We kissed, once - and then I woke up and ran a mile. I was very early 20s and I look back now and think what a cliché he was, and what a stupid naïve fool I was - believing that shit.

category12 · 26/02/2020 20:02

Do you think people could refrain from just giving the OP shit, as there's background stuff that isn't really my business to disclose, but I don't think giving her a kicking is right.

FuckThisWind · 26/02/2020 20:05

Jesus Christ no. Why on Earth would you even ask why someone would "repeatedly" not give a fuck about another person's feelings?

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 20:06

Fair enough category12.
Tbh, it would have to be a pretty dire background to gain a pass on being an OW "often". But benefit of the doubt...

StCharlotte · 26/02/2020 20:07

Not me (I promise!) but a very unhappy friend of mine was a serial OW. Another friend and I (after yet another picking up the pieces session) came to the conclusion that it was the unavailability that was the key in that if one of the husbands had actually set up home with her and she was still unhappy, then she would have to address the fact that her misery wasn't down to her circumstances but down to her...

Tulipan · 26/02/2020 20:10

I haven't repeatedly been the ow, but I wonder if it's sometimes the unavailability that is the appeal. Good for avoidant types who can't deal with close emotional attachments without an escape of some kind.
For some of my friends, I'd say they like the attention.
In many ways, it's a great relationship for the ow as long as they don't want the man to leave. You get the romance, the best behaviour, the long sex sessions, the declarations of undying love etc without any of the dull stuff. I can see it being addictive.

Flufferbum · 26/02/2020 20:11

I think it’s self esteem issues. Been treat like shit or nothing by men (normally) and don’t mind and quite like making someone feel pain. Whilst writing this message I could name three girls whom I know very very well who have been the OW more than twice each. That to me is bad. Serial. Very bad. And the things I noted earlier all coincide with them.

Tulipan · 26/02/2020 20:13

There are websites full of women, and men, who specifically choose married men/women for relationships. For the men ... main reason = more sex. For the women, for every woman there is a different reason why they are on there!

Patch23042 · 26/02/2020 20:18

I think that a serial side-piece would have low self-esteem and may be amenable to all the flannel about wife not loving them etc. Or maybe she’s had a run of bad luck where they lied about their relationship statuses - this is more common now that so many genuinely separated people still have to their house for a while, it’s totally believable that a separated couple could be stuck in the same accommodation until one of them can afford to move.

Ginger1982 · 26/02/2020 20:20

"I have often found myself to be an OW."

Knowingly?

knittedgoldfish · 26/02/2020 20:22

It's definitely insecurity / low self esteem.

Tulipan · 26/02/2020 20:23

In my personal opinion, from starting online dating, many of the single men on there are beyond useless. The ones who seem to understand women better usually turn out to be married. I can see how a woman might end up accidentally dating a series of married men without knowing it, as Patch says.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2020 20:26

"Found yourself" ?

There was no free will involved at all then ?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/02/2020 20:28

If they do it knowingly, I can only imagine it's because they have no self respect, or thought for anyone else and are very niave.

Original poster
NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 21:34

^Repeated OW? "Often"?

Psycopathy or narcissism^

@PicsInRed Nope, I have 0 Narcissistic traits. As PP's suggested, I think it's more down to low self-esteem, which I do have.

Therapists have suggested that also the unavailability (as PPs have mentioned) makes me feel safer, as I didn't have a pleasant relationship with my father (nothing horrifically abusive, but he was prone to temper tantrums) so supposedly maybe I have a fear of commitment. IDK about that theory though.:) Sometimes I've got pretty into these relationships and wanted the man to leave his wife etc. One of them did (he didn't get on with her, anyway.) That relationship ended for various reasons, but we're still best friends.

Certainly I wouldn't want to live with anyone, though, in case they ended up the type you have to walk on eggshells around, like my father or (at one point) a previous partner. Living alone is so much more relaxing.

Thanks @category12 x

@Flufferbum I don't like making people feel pain at all I don't think- that'd be awful. I don't have hurting a person I barely (if at all) know in mind, that would be random, I'm usually focussed on the bloke.

@AnyFucker One or two of them genuinely were exploitative of my mental health etc. Other than that, by 'found myself being,' I kind of meant I wasn't 100% sure of my motives, or once or twice I just fell in love with someone who happened to be married.

One of them's marriage genuinely wasn't working and he ended up leaving her- not for me, I think he had someone else as a fallback too tbh! Well, he ended up 'staying with a friend' of his, who he was soon in a relationship with. They've been together for about 20 yeara now. He and I were completely incompatible, we just romanticized each other. There was no sex involved with that one.

IDK if part of it is that being an OW is to some extent a perma-pick me dance (at the very least in terms of getting some of their time) so if you have a neurotic desire for approval it gives you that hit.

OP posts:
LameSword · 26/02/2020 21:35

Very little self respect, easily manipulated, low self esteem... or they're just self centred cunts with no morals.

My ex left me for OW and she revelled in it. Proper smug about it she was until he cheated on her and left her too Grin

ooooohbetty · 26/02/2020 21:42

Low self esteem my arse. It's because of a complete disregard for anyone else but yourself. You, like the man who you 'find yourself' in a relationship with, don't care about the pain you might cause to other women and the children. Because if you did care you wouldn't be the OW. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what I think

Bloomburger · 26/02/2020 21:43

@Flufferbum I don't like making people feel pain at all I don't think- that'd be awful. I don't have hurting a person I barely (if at all) know in mind, that would be random, I'm usually focussed on the bloke.

Random. Doesn't feel random when you're the wife.

You're focusing on your needs at the expense of another woman.

Lots of people have horrific childhoods but the good people hate hurting someone else as they are aware how awful it feels.