Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

[NoMoreDickheads]

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

You must feel no guilt for being complicit in the hurt you cause the wife of the man you are seeing
What about his children
He is to blame and you are nothing to him but a sideline to boost his ego but nevertheless you are wrong to do it and need to sort out your low esteem issues

Personally I believe at the core of these relationships is shame.

True intimacy means allowing another person to see your shame - which is uncomfortable at best and feels like will it will destroy you at worst.

The more comfortable you are with your own shame, the more you are capable of allowing others to see it without it feeling too threatening. Then true, reciprocal intimacy can develop and the need for a way to escape is lessened.

Exactly Tulipan.

You may insult me all you wish. I don't care. I think much of the abuse on here towards anyone who admits to being an OW comes directly from a place of deep fear that your DH might do it too so you hate those dirty immoral OW tempting him 🙄

I may be separating from my DH, haven't had a sex life for years, he's apparently not the cheating "type" (against his fundamental principles) - from knowing him a long time he is probably being truthful about that ....
Whenever I think about what you've said I (correctly or not).don't think "my DH could cheat with someone like her, that bitch!".

I just think "his poor wife is at home thinking she's got a decent husband, presumably not cheating herself and he's away twice a year cheating on her with that poster, betraying her trust and taking the piss out of her, and that poster knows all about her," - and therefore I think you're a scumbag. Nothing else.

Is there a bigger issue here? SO many people cheat. Are we faithful because we want to be civilised, because of religion, because it’s what society expects? We are animals - but believe ourselves to be superior. So an animal characteristic - such as - eating - we do it in a ‘civilised’ way with a knife and fork to separate us from animals. And our most complicated and civilised rules we apply to having sex - when it’s just one of our animal characteristics. Women are generally more ‘social’ and therefore find cheating a deeper issue than men???

That's an interesting perspective, @SmellyBeard. I find it a lot easier to share those kinds of emotions/triggers with people I am not as close to. It's one of the benefits of an affair - it's a safe space in that sense. We know far more of each other's dark sides than our spouses do, but that is a function of the emotional distance that the affair provides

I don’t think people who cheat can just be dismissed as ‘vile scumbags’. I would say most men and a large percentage of women have cheated at some point in their life.

The one who i knew and kept making bad choices was very dreamy romantic sort, ignored red flags and had low self esteem. She was very gullible. She also had a lot of issues and emotionally damaged from childhood.

And in the celeb world - Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Peter Crouch, Mick Jagger etc are not seen as ‘vile scumbags’...

In fact I’d say stop jumping down the throats of people that cheat. We’ve probably all done it at some point in our lives. Stop enjoying the opportunity to be morally superior.

I’ve never had an affair/been the OW but I have some friends who’ve just fallen short (on in particular became the OW in emotional affairs). It seems to be a combination of low self esteem and low morality. I can understand what some posters say here about low maintenance relationships etc. but I’d never lower myself so far as to have sec with someone that promises to be faithful to another person and then not only breaks that promise but lies about it! But obviously if you have a very low threshold for decent behaviour or you think you deserve to be with scummy men then I can see how you could find yourself repeatedly in those kinds of relationships.

@Goldfinch432 what kind of people do you hang around with

No, I've never been the OW. I think cheating is pretty gross, so I wouldn't do it, even if I wasn't the cheating party in the relationship.

I'm not particularly afraid that someone is going to snatch away my partner either. I think of being cheated on as like breaking a limb. It would hurt a lot at the time, take time to heal, but ultimately it's not going to kill me.

From what I've seen, people who enjoy being the OW either enjoy being with someone who is 'unavailable', or like the feeling of 'winning' someone from their partner. But that's just a guess.

60% of men and 45% of women will cheat at some point in their lives. According to an article in The Independent.

So most people Regina...

And in the celeb world - Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Peter Crouch, Mick Jagger etc are not seen as ‘vile scumbags’...

Are they not?

Just picking one; personally I find David Beckham to be like Dorian Grey (though the ageless looks thing is not working quite as well for him). His smugness and soul selling and cynicism permeates out of him, it almost gives me the creeps.

In fact I’d say stop jumping down the throats of people that cheat. We’ve probably all done it at some point in our lives. Stop enjoying the opportunity to be morally superior.

Ive cheated but never knowingly with a married/committed man. That's makes a difference.

Was also when I was very young - now I've grown up and wised up, I would not repeat the behaviour.

I saw Peter Crouch in my local park the other day with his kids...he seemed lovely!

Hmmm, well ... perhaps the OP here was the same age as you when you cheated! And if you didn’t know he was committed, then how do you know that you cheated?

OP is also saying she won’t repeat!!

Think cheating is so commonplace, maybe our attitudes to cheating and sex need to change. People are so afraid to speak about their desires through fear of vilification. And I think we have a lot of outdated attitudes based on religious ideals - that try to ‘civilise’ us in a way that isn’t natural.

Hmmm, well ... perhaps the OP here was the same age as you when you cheated!

Ok, I'll play along - how old are you, op?

And if you didn’t know he was committed, then how do you know that you cheated?

Because I cheated, the people I cheated with were single. And by cheating I mean I had mild sexual contact with one on two occasions and had a sort of emotional affair with sexting with the other (no sex). Though I still consider myself to have cheated and that's why I posted about it.

And did your OH at the time think you were a decent GF, whereas you were actually being unfaithful and taking the piss?

I’m not trying to be mean here, I’m just trying to apply the same reasoning. Hope you’re ok with this Gilbert? Tell me if I’m being unkind!

(I also unknowingly cheated with two men who presented themselves as single - one, while volunteering/travelling in West Africa I found out about because he threw me a magazine to read while he was taking a phone call and I found an application to go and visit his wife in Canada in the back of it .... The other (also of African origin) was in Japan when I was there teaching English, after our casual relationship ended, i touched on the subject with a person from the same country who asked how he and I had seen each other regularly, being based in different areas and when I replied "he drove", they said "well then he's married Gilbert! He couldn't get a driving license here otherwise" ... I asked the man in question by phone later and he confirmed that was true.
Both marriages were "for visas" - doubt their wives knew that though.