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Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 27/02/2020 00:48

I am not the OW, but have some understanding of the issue as my exH went off with his OW. From her Facebook page at the time, from what his mother has said and subsequent conversations with DCs I can see that she had a low self-esteem and was desperate to be with someone. He needed to be with someone and knew I would not put up with much more,he is a man-child and she fitted the bill. They remind me of a poem I read years ago about lying, "she lies with him as he lies to her". Do I wish for him to cheat on her? No, because I would like my DC to see him being a regular parent so they see better behaviour.

For now my DC have seen their other parent being useless and not talking through a break up, but going off to have fun and leaving them to deal with their pain with one parent. Now when they are with him they save their 'parent' questions and needs until they come back to me.

trixiebelden77 · 27/02/2020 00:49

I don’t feel scared of finewithit, or others, no.

The same way I don’t think other women are scared, or jealous, of me. What a very odd and self-absorbed way to think of other women.

Original poster
NoMoreDickheads · 27/02/2020 00:52

Do you have to have actually met someone to know they exist? To fully understand that they are a person with thoughts, feelings, talents, problems, hurts and issues of their own? That's empathy. I think you may be lacking in that department

@blubellsarebells I'm actually usually a very caring and empathetic person- or at least try to be. I've done care work and am always learning other skills to help people. Everyone has their blind spots I suppose, and no-one's perfect. I'm always trying to develop myself.

Sometimes it was that I believed the men's stories that there was something lacking in the way their wives were treating them, which is why they were doing this.

To be completely honest, as a feminist, and a woman with sisters and other close female family members, I was brought up in a matriachy, a feeling of sisterhood is a factor for me knowing I could never shit on another woman like that

True, that's what I've had reinforced by reading all the threads on MN etc and talking to friends.

I'm not so weak to ever use my hurt as an excuse to hurt other people

I don't think anyone here is using their hurt as an excuse to hurt other people. All we're saying is everyone has all sorts of factors that influence what they do, and trying to consider what they are etc. Sometimes it's the only way to improve, or can help back up a motivation to change.

Guess I'm a better woman than you in more ways than one

Oooh, get you! Grin Grin Grin Grin

I do believe that two of the men I was with last year were in that situation. Partly because in one case, sexually he was so extreme that I can imagine any partner wanting to stop having sex with him, he was quite frightening

@Yesonenightonly his name wasn't Steve was it, and he didn't work as a therapist? Grin

OP posts:
MitziK · 27/02/2020 00:54

The time I found out my then very nice bloke was married, we sat down and he poured his heart out about all their problems, ending with her insecurities and distrust of him.

'Well, she's right really, isn't she?'. I could almost hear the cogs turned and then dropping into place in his head.

I waved him off at the door after loads of advice about how to actually think about things from her point of view, went back inside -
and blocked his number.

No idea if anything changed for them or whether he carried on being a shit, but I had really enjoyed the time I spent with him, he was always happy, always good company, never ever whinged about condoms rather than 'can't you go on the Pill? I can't feel anything' which I'd had from previous boyfriends and I suspect he was beginning to catch feels. Which I certainly didn't want as soon as I found out.

Finewithit · 27/02/2020 00:56

Do any of you writing these lengthy, imaginative, shaming rebukes and withering summaries of the lowness of OW's character and pseudo analyses of why they do what they do - which are really just vicious spewing of anger and fear, ever realise there are many who just do not GAF? They do it because it suits them to. They literally do not give you a second thought apart from maybe a brief FB search to see what you look like. These threads are always the same. Frightened, furious women pretending to be calm and discussing the matter rationally but really just grabbing their opportunity to let OW know how disgusting they think they are while dressing it up as calm mulling it over. Don't pretend. Just say it. We still won't care but it won't make us roll our eyes quite so much. I don't care about your marriage. I don't respect it unless I know and care for you personally as a friend or family member I don't intend that you'll ever find out about me. I'm not thinking about you. Hard to stomach I know but it's true. I won't be posting again as these threads always go the same way, ever more competitive insults. Boring.

P.S that nonsense about decent women meeting equal decent partners and being SO much happier than the middle aged OW cat ladies 🙄 and deserving it because they were never disgusting OW? How do you explain the multiple decent women right here on this forum who are posting in droves about being treated like shit by the men they chose and being abandoned and facing middle and old age alone?

trixiebelden77 · 27/02/2020 00:58

I’d think it quite unlikely that you’re usually very empathic then have a blind spot that means you can’t think about not harming someone you don’t know.

It’s much more likely that your vision of yourself is at odds with who you are actually are, as demonstrated by your actions.

Self aware people realise this and watch for it.

Finewithit · 27/02/2020 00:59

Oh and I never said anyone was scared of ME. I said they're scared their husbands will or are having affairs, after all allegedly 45% of them do...

Original poster
NoMoreDickheads · 27/02/2020 01:05

Or you need to validate yourself in some way by thinking you have one up on the actual wife/girlfriend because he thinks you’re ‘special’ - when in fact you are simply available, up for it/easy & unencumbered by all the mundane shit that goes along with a real relationship & he’s a pathetic cockwomble?

@chipsandgin Yes, I think that was definitely true once or twice in my late teens/ early 20s. I must've been a bit thick! Mind you, I did end up with one of them for a fair while after he left his wife.

OP posts:
blubellsarebells · 27/02/2020 01:06

You shouldn't have to try to be a caring empathetic person.
Good for you if you want to be better, don't we all, being empathetic is not one of the areas I'm working on myself.
As for falling for men's bullshit about their relationships, what business is it of yours? Just don't get involved.
I can't think of anything that would make me want to fuck a man less than hearing him moaning on about his wife doesn't understand him. Such a turn off.
The comment about being a better woman was not aimed at you op but the pp who thinks other women are scared their husbands would run off with her.
I'm not married and I'm not scared, I'm beyond thankful to the woman my ex ran off with because I wouldn't want to be with a fickle lying coward that's ruled by his ego and his dick.
I can do better. I deserve better.
You need to work out why you think you don't.

Bloomburger · 27/02/2020 07:15

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OhCaptain · 27/02/2020 07:39

Even starting this thread there was a risk that you’d be piled on and people would say awful things to you @NoMoreDickheads but you started it...

Why is that? Was it to prove you could take it? Or because you hate yourself that much that you want everyone to tell you how awful you are?

category12 · 27/02/2020 07:46

People giving op stick about empathy might want to look in the mirror occasionally.

Bloomburger · 27/02/2020 07:52

I think we can be forgiven for having no empathy for someone who conducts themselves in this manner then brags about it.

category12 · 27/02/2020 07:55

Oh really, you feel OK with people giving savage personal attacks on someone with admitted self-esteem and mh issues?

Well, you do you. Hmm

Bloomburger · 27/02/2020 08:14

Yep. I sure do. Because IMO it's all bullshit excuses for being able to act exactly how she wants sod the pain and anguish she causes others.

We've all had shit in our lives, I've had fuck loads of it from every angle since I was 11 months old, I could write a book about low self esteem but nothing, nothing in the world would make me completely discount the feelings of another woman and use her husband to bolster my shit self esteem.

ShatnersWig · 27/02/2020 08:29

The year after I split up with my ex-partner of 10 years I started dating again. Met someone, few dates, started sleeping together. She then let slip she had a husband who worked away and two teenage children.

Did I carry on seeing her? Nope, got up that same moment, grabbed my coat, said "sorry, that's not the sort of behaviour I'm comfortable with@ and left.

I don't understand how people, once they know (if it's been hidden from them to begin with), could carry on. If they knew from the start, well, there are clearly issues.

category12 · 27/02/2020 08:29

And you think someone doing something you disagree with gives you license to viciously character assassinate them, and absolves you from decent behaviour? It doesn't. Personal attacks are not OK.

chipsandgin · 27/02/2020 09:13

How do you explain the multiple decent women right here on this forum who are posting in droves about being treated like shit by the men they chose and being abandoned and facing middle and old age alone?

They were unlucky - they presumably thought that they had found one of the good ones - sadly your average sociopath/cheat/liar can be charming and convincing until he proves himself otherwise & often too late when you have invested time, love and the best years of your life. I have every sympathy for women (& men) who end up in that situation.

My point was that if you actively choose a cheat and a liar by starting off as the OW then you’ve only got yourself to blame - you already know he’s a substandard human being. It’s all about choice.

Also some of the happiest women I know are middle aged (with multiple cats!) & single in those circumstances - their happiness in part stems from not having someone who let them down by revealing himself as a toxic shitbag in their lives any more & they are for the most part utterly blameless. If however you end up in that situation because of repeatedly choosing unavailable or dishonest men the blame lies directly with you. A better choice, with better odds would be to at least start by backing the horse that could potentially win surely & not the one you already know is lame?

blue30 · 27/02/2020 10:02

My close friend seems to have almost exclusively been with married men for the last 15 years or so. It's complicated. There's self esteem and depression and lonliness in there. It's familiar ground now. I think thre's a part of her brain that feels 'safe' because deep down she knows it's not going anywhere and she knows the cycle now.

The irony is she's a desperately lonley person. But it's like there's some kind of block in her brain that available men aren't attractive or exciting.

Redyellowpink · 27/02/2020 12:47

I wonder if it's sometimes the unavailability that is the appeal. Good for avoidant types who can't deal with close emotional attachments without an escape of some kind

This is me. I have an avoidant attachment style

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 27/02/2020 13:11

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Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 13:29

I think the term ‘found myself’ is key here. It’s about taking responsibility for your actions. I consider myself to be empathetic but my empathy comes from a ‘selfish’ place. I’m highly selfish - which is why I’ve been an OW too.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 13:32

In fact I think many, many kind, thoughtful, deep and giving people are very ‘selfish’.

GothamProtector · 27/02/2020 13:33

Low self esteem is such a cop out and whatever sob story is just chitchat to make yourself feel better.

You aren't entitled to a relationship. It's not your God given human right.

If you aren't functioning enough to maintain a healthy relationship then be alone and fix yourself.

Tulipan · 27/02/2020 13:37

Oh we are all selfish really. I buy clothes from shops that are probably made in sweatshop factories. My mobile phone is probably an endless source of tears to people who extracted the metals or put the components together. My food comes from countries with very dubious labour laws. I am paid a lot better than a lot of people but my tax contribution is small, at the expense of public services. I had three kids, thus contributing more to global warming than any other actions I will take in a lifetime. Etc etc.