Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

[NoMoreDickheads]

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

A few people have mentioned unavailability.
I would agree that could be a factor for some.
I've realised I am emotionally unavailable.
I have a long history of varying degrees of relationships with unavailable men.
I've never been the other woman.
I would never be the other woman.
There are enough emotionally retarded, commitment phobic men out there for me to pick from without having to fuck over another woman to get what I want, or rather don't want.
I'm trying hard to deal with my issues and change and be a better person.
Personally I think anyone who knowingly fucks another womans husband is of low morals.
Probably has poor self esteem or daddy issues of some sort.
Everyone has issues of their own. There is no excuse for hurting other people.
Never.

Ah so daddy issues is one of the excuses you're going for

.

I imagine a serial other woman as someone who is very flirty and open to a relationship with anyone. They don’t close off the flirting before it gets too far whereas most women would have clear boundaries and not go there.

In my very personal experience it’s low self-esteem, without a doubt.

Maybe you’re a bit skittish and don’t like the full responsibility of someone almost relying on you for their main relationship? You get to do the fun bits and dip in and out, no need to stick around for the heavy or boring stuff. I love dh to bits but from a selfish perspective when he has a bad patch at work or with family he is a bloody nightmare to live with and support. An ow wouldn’t have to deal with this stuff, it’s easy to be kind and supportive once a week or over the phone and then get back to your own life sharpish. I can sometimes see the appeal.

Agree low sense of self worth. Also probably enjoining the drama to some extent. Maybe a fear of getting old and settling down?

I couldn’t ever be with someone who had a wife/another partner. I’m too conceited!

@ooooohbetty Low self-esteem is a factor recognized as often being behind why people become an OW by professionals.

I admit though that I wasn't overly thinking about women who I'd usually never even met. Was just into the blokes, who I actually 'knew.' Most people are more likely to have feelings about someone they know than someone they don't. Mumsnet has helped me see it more from the partner's/wive's perspective, and I'll consider them and not get involved with these blokes again. Internalized misogyny is a thing, I suppose.

No, setting out on a course of action that you know will cause pain to a stranger isn’t normal unless you have very low levels of empathy.

People who have empathy for others don’t set out to do things that hurt people, even if they are strangers. You avoid hurting people wherever possible.

I expect having little self-awareness is also a factor. You don’t just ‘fall in love’. Even if it happens quickly - there are conversations, actions, even body language that a self aware person recognises and shuts down if the other person is attached.

I have been given many opportunities/offers to be the OW. I have always reminded them that they are married/in a relationship and if they have persisted in Pursuing me after that point they get told much more firmly. I wouldn't want them anyway. I try to avoid talking to men in most social situations at all now if I can avoid it. I've been hit on by a married man at his own child's birthday party with his wife a few meters sweat, and on a double date when my partner and theirs were both away from the table (one in the bathroom and one ordering drinks). I used to be a very friendly person but wasn't intentionally flirting, but now I am much more guarded. I would rather a married man thought I was rude and off than open for being a OW. I don't get the appeal. They are disloyal, fickle creeps. I may be biased because I have been cheated on though.

Metres away not meters sweat

Maybe you just liked shagging men in relationships 🤷🏻‍♀️ Lack of morals?
Not caring the dick in your vagina was with someone else? Maybe you can’t pull a single man?

Low self esteem an the other bull shit excuses on this thread really are NO excuse, you are an adult you choose who you drop your knickers for

Never been Ow despite offers. I wouldn’t want to go near a penis that had most likely been in another woman very recently.

Maybe low self-esteem but you have to have a complete lack of remorse - a cold, uncaring streak - especially to make a habit of it.

I hope I’m never so horribly self-involved and just awful to completely disregard other people like that.

Do you have to have actually met someone to know they exist?
To fully understand that they are a person with thoughts, feelings, talents, problems, hurts and issues of their own?
That's empathy.
I think you may be lacking in that department.
To be completely honest, as a feminist, and a woman with sisters and other close female family members, I was brought up in a matriachy, a feeling of sisterhood is a factor for me knowing I could never shit on another woman like that.
But really, selfishly, my own self respect and integrity matters to me more than the feelings of women I've never met.
I like being able to look myself in the face.
I like knowing my family and friends respect me and trust me.
All of us have the chance, many chances, to turn away from sisterhood, self respect, honesty, and integrity.
Some of us chose not to, no dick would ever be worth all those things to me.

Have name changed. I have been OW three times. First time I was very young, he was much older. I didn't really know what he was doing, he said they were separating blah blah blah. I moved away and it ended that way.

Second time, I met him through work, he left her for me - girlfriend, not wife, no children. We stayed together for 7 years. I left him for someone else.

Third time is right now. He's married. I'm not. I don't want a full time relationship. I see him a couple of times a year and we go for nights out and then to a hotels. I've known him for many years, longer than his wife even. They have a life together and I would never want him full time so it suits me.

Why? I don't know really. I suspect that watching my parents really horrible relationship being held up as an admirable thing - i.e they have stayed together despite her being violent and verbally and emotionally abusive and him being a selfish workaholic who was jealous of his children and forced her to put him first all the time. The smugness with which they portray this shit marriage as being "a life's work" and something I should aspire to and others are jealous of is laughable and I have no respect whatsoever for marriage as an institution.

You may insult me all you wish. I don't care. I think much of the abuse on here towards anyone who admits to being an OW comes directly from a place of deep fear that your DH might do it too so you hate those dirty immoral OW tempting him 🙄

No but a friend of mine has an it’s caused a breakdown in our friendship

I think she does it because she’s quite self centered and absorbed and has low self esteem

@FineWithIt I don’t think that’s true, that everyone is scared. I just think people have different morals.

I also think the psycho-babble daddy/mummy issues are a bit cringe!

I've not got a husband.
I'm not scared of you.
I feel sorry for you.
I had a pretty crap childhood where adult relationships were concerned, lucky in other ways, I'm not so weak to ever use my hurt as an excuse to hurt other people.
Guess I'm a better woman than you in more ways than one.

It may be psycho babble but 2 'other women' on this thread have referenced their family relationships and specifically their fathers to justify why they fuck other womens husbands.
Sorry I can't put that in polite terms.
I've probably got 'Daddy issues, my dad died when I was 9yo, my mum married 3 absolute arseholes after that.
I've got attachment issues and I'm emotionally unavailable.
I'm working on myself.
I would never think that is an excuse to hurt other people.

Namechanged....

I would never previously have got to the point of being an OW, but have done it perhaps four times over the past year. One intermittent connection and 3 ONSs.

Reasons? My therapist says low self esteem but I think that's too simple and too flattering. My life fell to pieces, and I think it's a selfish grab for what I want, as if I've got the right to this because one bad thing happened to me. I'm not saying this is a good thing.

I do think that, for example, when a marriage operates successfully for a long time with an affair in the background, the affair/safety valve might be a factor in the survival of the marriage. I also read the sexless/very infrequent sex threads on here with horror, and although I've no doubt that most of the married men I talked to were spinning a line about that, it does happen and I do believe that two of the men I was with last year were in that situation. Partly because in one case, sexually he was so extreme that I can imagine any partner wanting to stop having sex with him, he was quite frightening.

Finally, I also think that physical infidelity is a long way from the worst of the things a person can do to their partner. My husband confessed to one indiscretion and it didn't bother me even slightly, though it wasn't a long affair or romantic. He was intensely jealous himself which I found claustrophobic.

I’d imagine it’s because you don’t feel you are worth being anything more?

Or you need to validate yourself in some way by thinking you have one up on the actual wife/girlfriend because he thinks you’re ‘special’ - when in fact you are simply available, up for it/easy & unencumbered by all the mundane shit that goes along with a real relationship & he’s a pathetic cockwomble?

Sad really - most women I know who were like that in their 20s/30s end up alone and lonely (& living with multiple cats..) later on when the women who actually met & felt they were worthy of finding the lovely, faithful and equal partners & didn’t sniff around after other women’s men are the happy ones...

Of course the very fact that these men have other women means that they are the scum you wouldn’t want in your life anyway - so actually we should all be thankful to the ‘always the OW’ women for revealing the men who aren’t worth the time or energy!?

It's interesting that you talk about not considering the welfare of someone you don't know like it's typical behaviour. I don't think it is. I'm often compelled to think about the welfare of people I don't know; and would certainly do so if it was obvious that my behaviour could have a significant detrimental impact on a their life. This is my experience of most other adults too. You seem to have very limited empathy/imagination.

That said, the overriding reason I would never be an OW is that I am repulsed by pathetic and weasly men. It would be impossible for me to carry it off (even if the wife was evil and my worst enemy in the whole world), because my vagina would be absolutely arid. There's nothing more attractive to me than a kind, strong and decent man. Cheaters (particularly at the time of cheating) are the antithesis of this ideal. Maybe being an OW is a type of self-flagellation?

...just like this thread.

First, when I was very young and he was my supervisor. We believed we loved each other. I told him he couldn't leave her and move in with me. If he wanted to leave her, he'd need to do so and then we would have to see what happened. He left her and the country! So we ended. Then they got back together. Then they divorced. We are still friends and nothing more.

Then, when I was much older with an old friend. We met after a long time apart and immediately realized that this meant that both of our marriages were not sustainable. We didn't even need to sleep together. It was just a "holy cow! It was you all along!" moment. We both left within the month. We are still together and enjoying the mundane aspects of life. So, not a long affair and not long deceiving our partners. Of course we both feel guilty but the best we could do was a clean break, tell them why, leave them everything - my husband and his wife have both done very well financially and we are comparatively poor.
Sometimes we are just human.