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Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:
ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 18:44

@Goldfinch432

Did you plagiarise your way to your degree, too?

This post of yours at 13:47 is lifted word for word from

Magicpaintbrush · 28/02/2020 19:02

ScarlettBlaize, thank you, I am in a better place than I was six months ago, so that is something I guess. Nearly losing me was a massive scare for DH. His remorse, regret and guilt at what he has done to me are very clearly genuine, and I know if he could turn back time and not cheat then he would - this I know for certain. Only last week I found him in tears because the guilt was eating him alive. I also know he has zero feelings for OW, if he never saw her again it would be too soon. Prior to the event I think there was a whole culmination of stuff - perhaps taking each other for granted, some issues with our DD which directly affected our marriage, there's loads of things which didn't help - these are not excuses, there IS no excuse, because I lived through these things too and did not cheat, but when these things happen you naturally look back to try and figure out why. The OW as a person is irrelevant really, it could have been anyone and he was in a different place in his head, not a good place. Since D-Day he has done everything in his power to show me and prove to me that he loves me, we are closer now than we ever were before, our communication is excellent these days, the sheer amount of talking and talking and talking - actually it has been like a different relationship. Back in the day I didn't always feel high in his list of priorities - now I definitely am, the very top of his priorities and that is obvious in everything he says and does, and he has not once veered from that. I would almost say that we have been through the worst, come out the other side and we are renewed and better than ever, really in tune with each other. But, that doesn't mean that I am not still in pain. It does mean that I have every reason to hope that things will be okay. If they aren't, well, I don't even want to think about that tbh.

GilbertMarkham - I guess that would be the way to go for some people, but not for me I'm afraid, cheating is not in my DNA. DH and I have travelled a long and painful road this year, we have re-built our relationship and seem to be coming out the other side stronger than we were before, and I wouldn't jeopardise that - but I totally appreciate your advice.

I feel like I have hijacked this thread - not my intention at all, sorry.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:04

Goodness me!!! I posted my stat earlier and where I got it from. Yes I posted that article and quoted from it. Why are you attacking me? I don’t think that article is moronic. I’m also not going to attack you or call your view moronic. I don’t believe it is...

Noodlenosefraggle · 28/02/2020 19:05

If you're comfortable with saying that it's the current societal framework that's the issue so you are happy to lie rather than be honest then you're saying the system is wrong but doing absolutely nothing to change that.
This. My best friend has been in a poly relationship for 20 years. Its completely out in the open. People do it. If you want to do it, you're not unique or special or prevented from doing it by societal norms. If you want to have sex with lots of people, dont commit to a monogamous relationship or if you do but change your mind afterwards, leave the monogamous relationship and have a poly one or just shag around.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:10

I've already directly quoted from some proper research that disproved your most basic point, @Goldfinch432 . The one you keep repeating, saying that 'the majority of people cheat'.

No, they don't. The majority of people DON'T cheat.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:17

why is my article not ‘proper’ research? Why does the article I’ve forwarded not count?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:18

Does it not just depend on which research you choose to defend your point?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:19

Sorry Scarlett - if I’ve come across badly - it’s not my intention.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:24

My mistake- I didn't directly quote from the actual research. I quoted an article that cited the actual research. The Business Insider article is not a decent source but that particular article linked to many proper, peer-reviewed, scientific surveys and pieces of research. An example of which is here:

www.thearda.com/archive/files/descriptions/gss2006.asp
DOI
10.17605/OSF.IO/BV3X4
Davis, J. A., Smith, T. W., & Marsden, P. V. (2019, February 10). General Social Survey, 2006

See:
www.thearda.com/QuickStats/QS_122.asp

A random article from the Independent or Globe and Mail is not in any sense a proper source.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:26

Here is another proper source:

Arch Sex Behav. 2011 Oct;40(5):971-82. doi: 10.1007/s10508-011-9771-z. Epub 2011 Jun 11.
Infidelity in heterosexual couples: demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex.
Mark KP1, Janssen E, Milhausen RR.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234

This study found that
Almost one-quarter of men (23.2%) and 19.2% of women indicated that they had "cheated" during their current relationship (i.e., engaged in sexual interactions with someone other than their partner that could jeopardize, or hurt, their relationship)

Sample size 506 men and 412 women.

This is actual research. An op-ed piece in the Independent is not.

There is NO proper research that backs up your claim that 'most people cheat'. No, they don't.

GilbertMarkham · 28/02/2020 19:38

Did they use a lie detector, of dud the participants think the would?

If they didn't, why do I feel like the self reporting of cheating might have been higher of they thought a reliable kid detector would be used to validate their answers. Hmm

GilbertMarkham · 28/02/2020 19:38

Lie detector Grin

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:40

@GilbertMarkham What you 'reckon' doesn't count for more than actual research that has been done by working scientists and published in a peer-reviewed journal.

Of course, you can just say you don't believe it because of 'feelings', as indeed you can about any other proper, peer-reviewed research on any subjects, but why would you think your 'feelings' are more valid than multiple large-scale studies?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:40

Scarlett - what’s your view in Richard Dawkins?

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:41

@Goldfinch432 I think he's a pompous wanker who came up with a couple of catchy phrases about 40 years ago and is now showing his true colours as a tedious, Islamophobic, misogynist bigot who likes to state the bloody obvious in a patronising and increasingly bug-eyed way. Why?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:49

Think I love you Scarlett. We should hook up ..

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 19:50

Ok! I’m going to admit defeat here. Sorry for upsetting anyone xxxxx

category12 · 28/02/2020 19:54

Around 20% is still a lot. That's one in five.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 20:08

20% is not, by any stretch of the imagination, 'the majority' or 'most' though, is it @category12 ?

category12 · 28/02/2020 20:13

No, never said it was Grin. It is a shit ton, tho. Out of everyone's mates and colleagues and people around us.

GilbertMarkham · 28/02/2020 21:04

@ScarlettBlaize

You're taking a tongue in cheek comment very seriously Indeed.

But anyway if you must debate it; as many scientists and researchers as you like can be involved - doesn't change the tendency in human nature to under-report on perceived bad behaviour and lie. Their study is based on self reporting; and that has that potential flaw

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 21:14

@category12 I'd say the 20% figure is roughly in agreement with my own personal observations of life - it doesn't strike me as way off although I agree it's a pretty depressing figure.

However, I was taking issue with the repeated assertion that most or the majority of people cheat, along with the supposed evolutionary justifications for this.

Saying that 1 in 5 people will betray their partner in a relationship is a very different thing to saying that "it's human nature to cheat", "monogamy/fidelity is impossible/unnatural/almost unknown", and the other statements that were being thrown around on the thread.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 21:20

@GilbertMarkham Of course it's a potential flaw, but

(a) it is pretty much in line with most other research on the subject

(b) there is no reason for the people involved in this large-scale, anonymous study to lie, certainly not to an extent that would change the percentages very significantly (no one made them take part in the research)

and

(c) it is the most reliable and scientific research that's been shared on this thread by quite some distance - the 'flaws' in research like this are a hell of long way from the 'flaws' in what a random journalist with a Media Communication degree 'reckons' is probably the case, cos smartphones, Tinder, yeah?

I don't mind what people personally feel about fidelity, monogamy, et cetera, but it winds me up when people try to pretend that those feelings are founded in actual evidence.