Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

[NoMoreDickheads]

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

And from my point of view I think you probably are very decent!!!!

A friend of mine is.

Daddy issues
Narcissism

I have told her I don't approve, and that personally I would have shot her, but outside her peculiar attachment ishooos she has good qualities as well.

Oh I see - when you said ‘I cheated’ thought that meant you had an OH at the time....

I’m not trying to be mean here, I’m just trying to apply the same reasoning. Hope you’re ok with this Gilbert? Tell me if I’m being unkind!

I'm fine with it, don't worry.

And fwiw I agree to some extent that decent-ish people can end up cheating. Circumstances I'd be less critical are when a relationship is extremely unhealthy, where someone is being abused, when they are in the very early stages with a new person and the relationship is not yet established. Usually happens when you f and stupid though.
That's not the circumstances outlined by the poster who knowingly cynically shags another woman's DH twice a year on trips.

And did your OH at the time think you were a decent GF, whereas you were actually being unfaithful and taking the piss?

The first guy, who I was with for 8 months maybe, was naturally upset .. I tried to finish the relationship, he argued against that and implied he might harm himself. I stayed in it for another but but finished it not long after.

The second, my now DH, considered the emotional affair shitty behaviour but I think understood why I got into it, he knew I was unhappy and wanted to end it with him but wasn't brace enough to do so without fixating on someone else. I did end the relationship to go out with the emotional affair partner but it failed in a short time and I got back.into a relationship with my now DH.

*another while

Oh I see - when you said ‘I cheated’ thought that meant you had an OH at the time....

Well this thread is about women who cheat with attached men; they may or may not be single themselves.

Sometimes it was that I believed the men's stories that there was something lacking in the way their wives were treating them, which is why they were doing this.

The men maybe. But what about their children? That's just unthinkable.

IME of knowing an OM, he feared commitment. Deep issues about his parents' divorce. He felt unworthy and feared success. He also drank too much and I wonder if a relationship would have meant he had to look at that.

I think the OP sounds too detached. Are you a journalist or researcher? Anyway, perspective of a child growing up in household where dad had multiple affairs... it hurts. It damages you. Some of his longer term OW I met and they were all quite similar (not just in looks). There was a sense that they thought of themselves as rather sophisticated and above the humdrum. Also they didn’t have many friends or normal activities, it was all focused around my dad. They were quite depressing people.

I've been the OW - and be left his wife and we're now married with a family.
Tbh I couldn't really tell you why I did it. I was young ish- but old enough to know better. And I would be absolutely devastated if he cheated on me. I don't not trust him, which is weird I guess.

I think like @Goldfinch432 said- for me, I'm quite a selfish person. I am very emotional and the thought of others hurt upsets me - but it's usually because I'm imagining myself in their situation, not them directly if that makes sense.

His ex wife doesn't know, she thinks we met after, she's also now remarried and we all get in great. It's like this thing that happened that I've detached myself from and don't often think about.

We have kids now, we're happy. Only time will tell if he does the same to me as he did to her.

I have a friend like this. She has low self esteem and thinks if she can sleep with a bloke then she is ‘as good as’ his wife in terms of looks/worth.

I stepped away from a friend like this. She got a boost from it. Would happily be another woman. Thought it was a status thing. Very sad shallow existence.

The only people who repeatedly and knowingly become the other woman/man are those without morals or empathy. They are habitual liars, usually quite charming, and only care about themselves. In psychology, these are psychopathic traits.

You can try and claim otherwise, but that's the truth. Either accept it or don't. I don't expect any person like that to accept it though. It's just how they are, it's a personality flaw.

Or maybe they just don't believe in the same social construct that you do?

You can believe in any social construct you like but be honest about it. If you believe in polyamory, then be open and honest about it and get into polyamorous relationships.

Don't lie to some poor fucker and do other people behind their back or - in the case of this thread - have sex with someone who's lying to their partner and doing other people behind their back.

Tbh I couldn't really tell you why I did it. I was young ish- but old enough to know better. And I would be absolutely devastated if he cheated on me. I don't not trust him, which is weird I guess.

^^not weird at all, you know he has form for it. Hopefully you'll have a head start recognising the signs

Or maybe they just don't believe in the same social construct that you do?

If they weren't in the belief that what they are doing is wrong, they wouldn't hide it would they? They would be open about it.

They know its wrong, they just don't care. It's an advantage to them, so no one else matters. That's the difference.

Incidentally social constructs are just a veneer - from an evolutionary point of view most men aren't ok with their partner shagging other people - because they don't want to give their resources to other men's offspring.

Most women aren't ok with their partner shagging other women because they don't want their partners resources being split with children who are not theirs.

The exception to this is when a man is wealthy/had lots of resources; some women will accept sharing him. Because their share of his resources is equal to (or greater than) the full resources Joe average can offer.

So humans are actually quite naturally monogamous, but with a side helping of (usually sneaky) polygamy/gyny.

So saying monogamy is a social.constructbis always something that makes me laugh.

Both sexes are naturally jealous and possessive to some extent, with men it has the capacity to become violent more easily.

On the subject of this thread - it's about men who want all the advantages of monogamy but also one of the advantages of polygamy .. while making their wife remain monogamous through ignorance and dishonesty.

Social construct ....

Sorry just to clarify "So humans are actually quite naturally monogamous".. I mean they either have to be monogamous or pretend to be in order to get the monogamy they want from their partner. It's not a social construct, it's a reproduction strategy.

So saying monogamy is a social.constructbis always something that makes me laugh.

You sound like a comedians dream!

Marriage and the "traditional" family set up is a social construct. Staying together once children have been raised and are independent is a societal ideal and expectation. Some animals mate for life. I don't believe humans in general are in that group hence the huge numbers who are unfaithful - see figures earlier on in thread. I see what you're saying regarding monogamy but only when children are being conceived and still completely dependent.

I have been cheated on and I have cheated. I always leave my relationship straight away though, there's no point staying if your feelings are elsewhere.

@YgritteSnow

So, thinking about it, there are several reasons why even the same woman might have affairs with married men. Different ones might imply in different relationships.

The unifying factor is being prepared to get off with someone who's in a relationship. This is wrong, and we should stop it.

Even when a woman is genuinely exploited or coerced by a married man, that she's sometimes open to shagging married men in general definitely doesn't help her avoid this. Of course, men who are married/in a relationship and come on to other women are more likely to act dodgily in many ways, as they're already proven to have low levels of ethics.

*apply

You have shirty values and attract people with shitty values. Shitty people belong together.

No - you are looking for reasons to excuse yourself...

You’re NOT exploited, any more than you exploited your sex partner/his wife...