Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12

Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 16:57

You sound like a comedians dream!grin

Not laugh in a michael mcintyre at the apollo type way.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 16:57

You are intelligent - you make reasoned, conscious decisions. You wanted sex and love. These are human urges.

Lynda07 · 27/02/2020 17:01

When I was very, very young, believed all I was told. Looking back it was horrible. Never again.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:02

Marriage and the "traditional" family set up is a social construct. Staying together once children have been raised and are independent is a societal ideal and expectation. Some animals mate for life. I don't believe humans in general are in that group hence the huge numbers who are unfaithful - see figures earlier on in thread. I see what you're saying regarding monogamy but only when children are being conceived and still completely dependent.

But dependence/likelihood of survival (until recently) was about 7. And couples may easily, before reliable contraception, have a child a year for several years.

After that offspring are dependent in different ways, and couples are tied together in bonds of history, shared children, shared grandchildren, finances ...

UnRavellingFast · 27/02/2020 17:04

Or maybe they just don't believe in the same social construct that you do?

Yes that is the attitude my dad’s lovers projected. One had a child with him, we the feeble-minded social construct kids had to deal with that little shock, causing huge and long lasting trauma, and he, the child of this free minded marvel, had to grow up without a dad (my dad died) and with no extended family.

MuffinMittens · 27/02/2020 17:05

I have/had a friend who's been a serial OW. She's currently with the ex-DH of a mutual friend, with whom she started an affair while the friend and the DH were still together. Her previous partner was also married when she met him. Plenty of other examples, too.

In her case, it seems to have something to do with competition - winning over other women. I remember when we were young, for instance, she found it very difficult when I had a boyfriend as that meant the boyfriend fancied me more than her (and in fact she went out of her way to snog two of them later on), and also that a boyfriend might take my attention away from her.

Very insecure in people's affections, I suppose, so had to "win" to prove herself.

Any chance this plays a part, OP?

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:08

Marriage and the traditional family are not a social construct - they are formalised reproductive strategies

In fact men fkg love marriage and nuclear families, whether they realise it or not because its development is what had allowed the majority of them, as opposed to the small minority, to have an exclusive partner and pass on their genes.
(It has been found that, until relatively recently in evolutionary terms, most males didn't get to breed, didn't get to pass on their genes).

I agree that it's not very necessary that couples stay together after offspring are a certain age, but things aren't that simple. We're complex social animals, there are lots of reasons for continuing on those family units besides child rearing.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:09

*in

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:10

Don’t think we should label OP as ‘insecure’ or with ‘low self esteem’ or as some sort of tragic case. People cheat, it’s normal and a fact of life.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:11

Back on topic, if any man an ow is cheating with had any honesty or integrity he could separate from his wife and pursue whatever relationships he wants.

They're not doing that because they want to cake-eat and are happy to deceive. And ow are collaborating with that.

MuffinMittens · 27/02/2020 17:14

Don’t think we should label OP as ‘insecure’ or with ‘low self esteem’ or as some sort of tragic case. People cheat, it’s normal and a fact of life.

True, @Goldfinch432, but being insecure is also normal and a fact of life - and one motivation among many for seeking a shag...

Tulipan · 27/02/2020 17:14

The family unit is a fairly modern invention. Not much point creating reasons why monogamy is 'natural' to fit around a modern way of organising lives

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:15

Serial ow I know - one has mental health issues, the other strikes me as having a personality disorder or being a narcissist .. or something.

She's the sort of person who, at an alternative band night on a pub, will start talking at students sitting nearby, put them on the spot about how old they think she is a d then go off on one when they don't give her an answer she likes (her she of younger) while they look v uncomfortable. She also drinks s lot.

Tulipan · 27/02/2020 17:15

Obv I mean the family unit of husband, wife, kids! Family in some form or another (tribal, extended units) has always existed

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:16

*her age or younger

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:18

I love alternative music.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:19

m.youtube.com/watch?v=aWR1h-5EzUo

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:19

Obv I mean the family unit of husband, wife, kids! Family in some form or another (tribal, extended units) has always existed

Yeah but men always wanted monogamy from women - if they could get it. Often it was forced, as such.

And women have always, it is fair to assume, wanted it from men - but didn't get it often due to being relatively powerless to enforce it, unlike the men.

Most women do not happily share men, any more than men happily share women. That's not a modern phenomena or social construct. It's about resources and survival.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:20

Everyone is insecure. Everyone.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:22

Think it’s to do with genes. Women can always be 100 percent sure they are raising their own genes. Men can’t.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:22

It's also obvious that couples pair bond - and most won't cheat - during the early years period when they're "in love" and would be likely to be producing kids.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:36

Basically OP, I’d say don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve admitted to something that many people do. You are not abnormal. You may have a higher thinking about sex/relationships than the norm - so examine what this means to you. I don’t think you’ve don’t anything ‘wrong’ - you’ve acted on your instincts.

YgritteSnow · 27/02/2020 17:46

Most women do not happily share men, any more than men happily share women. That's not a modern phenomena or social construct. It's about resources and survival

And so we as a society created marriage and the nuclear family to control how the resources are used and shared and so men could be sure there genes were passed on. Therefore it's a construct.

YgritteSnow · 27/02/2020 17:50

Their not there obviously! 😱

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 17:58

Think I love you Ygritte.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12