New boyfriend is ex-addict

[Gina3333]

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

They may investigate you if someone raised a concern
They would need to see that you are able to protect your child

I would in all honestly be concerned that he is still taking methadone as this does not indicate full recovery as he is still substance dependent, just happens to be a prescribed one. Appreciate that it’s clearly under control and working for him, but It is like being addicted to the painkillers you take for your back, not just taking them because you have a back pain. It sounds like he is reformed and working with services to stay off illegal drugs, I don’t believe people never deserve second chances, but what were the crimes? It does depend on the convictions as he could be seen as a risk. Has he ever relapsed? Those are all the questions to ask

Investigated? Honestly I despair at times.
He’s a recovering addict not a bloody paedophile!
You do know people get rehabilitated and build new lives, we all have pasts.
OP do you know how long he’s been on the programme? it’s not meant to be long term.

@Menora He was in prison 20 years ago for robbing a warehouse. He has no convictions since then. His last relapse was 5 years ago

@JKScot4 Not sure how long he's been on the methadone program but is working towards gradually reducing the amount

How long have you been together ?
If this is a fairly new relationship I would move on, with a relapse as recently as 5 years ago and still on methadone this would be too risky for me .

He is not an ex addict. He is an addict.

I wouldn't go anywhere near. There are literally billions of other men out there.

Be aware that tapering off methadone can be a rocky road. I am not saying that people don't deserve a chance, but having grown up with an 'ex' addict I wouldn't choose to enter a relationship with one in a million years if they were the last man on the planet. Even being clean for x years they will always be battling the urge and want for drugs, which does make me highly respect them as it's tough, but honestly, please do think about whether you want you and your child to be involved- it will always be a part of their lives even if not drugs themselves. As for being investigated I wouldn't have thought so, but hopefully someone with more knowledge will be able to advise.

Oh and many people are still on the methadone program 20 years later. Many of them use as well. Being on methadone just swaps one addictive substance for another.

What do you see in him?

He is still an addict if he is on methadone. It cant have been so long ago. Have you considered your risk of blood borne diseases too? Hep c, hiv? I wouldn't OP. Its too close to the time. Had he told you he was on methadone 10 years ago or such I'd think differently.

Sorry op and ex addict is an addict . Been there and done that, would not do it again .

He’s not clean though.

an*

Another thing - would it be wise for me to contact child services myself, pro-actively? I am 100% confident they will find that there are no concerns relating to my child. I'm just thinking that if the child's father or anyone else decided to raise a case, then it would have already been taken care of, with nothing to worry about.

I am serious about this new boyfriend, and I just want to make sure that I'm going about everything properly. I have nothing to hide.

The red flag for me is him still being on methadone, despite (allegedly) being clean for years. My experience with a friend taking methadone was that it was not a long-term thing. It is another addiction, if abused & not used as a short term way of coming off heroin. A quick search suggests the longer terms for detoxing using it is 6 months.

I'm saying this as a recovering alcoholic (almost 11 years), not as someone who doesn't know much about addiction.

I think you have to be really careful here. He is still substance dependent which is a huge concern. Do you really see a future ?

He's an addict but his addiction is prescribed rather than bought off the street. If he can't get his methadone for whatever reason, he will have to buy heroin.

So there is nothing ex about it.

Can’t you just find someone whose not addicted to anything? It’s not like men are an endangered species there are literally billions of them.
If my ex was dating an addict I’d be fit to be tied.

It is not unusual to have a methadone prescription of this kind, especially if you had a long term addiction. The key is that you say he IS tapering the dose ie proactively and gradually reducing UNDER medical supervision.

I'd see it as a positive that he is engaging with services and is being upfront about this.

Lots of people are resident parents while taking methadone- your bf is highly unlikely to be considered a risk.

(Written was a safeguarding professional and addict in recovery)

Personally it would be too much of a risk for me as a parent. I have family members who are addicts and stressful situations have caused them to relapse. I think in a relationship you should be a team who can rely on each other through thick and thin, you cant do that if your one of you needs to be shielded from stress less it pushes them back onto drugs.

How long has he been prescribed methadone?

@JKScot4

Very brief info in the OP, so yes if it turns up that he had assault convictions or 30 arrests for dealing drugs and relapsed 6 months it may be an issue and may be investigated if someone raised a concern. Doesn’t mean they would take any action

The red flag if there is any is that he has already told OP that it’s just a ‘medicine’ like for back pain, which made me wince a little as this is under playing it to someone who has no experience of addiction or drug use. OP is obviously trying to see the best in him

A more honest approach would be to educate OP on how this works, read up about it and see if you think you still feel comfortable with it

Yes, he has minimised the nature of a methodone prescription.

I don’t know if you should alert them. What is your intention with him long term? Moving in? Meeting child? Do you both want kids together?

If you can keep your lives separate this reduces a lot of the risks anyway, he is still a new partner so is there a need to worry about this yet? I would want to see him actively managing tapering the methadone and see how he copes with it first before making any big decisions about the rest of your life as you may go to children services then the RS doesn’t last anyway

Is it actually likely someone is going to report you?

It isn’t about someone’s past children’s services would be interested in, its potential current and future risks. can you protect your child for instance if he did relapse, what would you do etc

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t. As others have said he’s still an addict. Have you done a Claire’s Law search on him? Just incase and so you have more facts on him.
Yes, your son’s dad might have concerns and he’d be well within his rights to challenge you on this relationship once it involves/ includes his son.