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Original poster

New boyfriend is ex-addict

187 replies

Gina3333 · 24/02/2020 11:49

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

OP posts:
carlyclock · 24/02/2020 22:54

I see a few references throughout the thread about 'ex addicts' - there is no such thing. An addict will ALWAYS be an addict. They may have times where they are not using, but they are always addicts.

AmazingGreats · 24/02/2020 23:44

@carlyclock

An addict can be in recovery but they are not an ex-addict. In the same way somebody who has had an eating disorder will always be in recovery from that eating disorder. Being in recovery from addiction is not the same as not using, not using is only one part of it. Some people say recovered addict and others say recovering addict but it means the same thing, an addict who is not using and has done the necessary work to make sure they do not use again, the necessary work which continues for the rest of their lives. I guess you could call that being an ex addict but I've never heard anybody call it that who has really been through a program of any kind. Alcoholics tend to call themselves alcoholics forever too. So an alcoholic who doesn't drink is sober but still an alcoholic , and and alcoholic who is sober and in recovery is sober and recovered/recovering but still an alcoholic IYSWIM

carlyclock · 24/02/2020 23:47

I'm not sure why you have tagged me in that huge explanation of exactly what I said.

Opentooffers · 25/02/2020 00:01

Just don't even contemplate this when you have a child especially, if you take methadone still, you are not an ex-addict.

If he'd been 5 years clean totally, maybe with caution, but really, set your bar higher. Methadone users are often still very willing to take other stuff on the side. Once properly rehabbed, they would never touch methadone ( it's just handy as a tool for society to use to stop them robbing as Much to get a fix)

AmazingGreats · 25/02/2020 08:21

Because you said there we're just addicts who weren't using. It's not just about not using

carlyclock · 25/02/2020 08:55

Because you said there we're just addicts who weren't using. It's not just about not using

It absolutely IS about using. An addict is either using or they are not. They are always an addict. Your long winded response dragging in eating disorders and alcoholism doesn't explain anything more than my basic post. I was trying to clarify that person is not an Ex-addict. Of course there is a lot more to addiction, particularly mentally, but you didn't really talk about that anyway.

Nowayorhighway · 25/02/2020 10:14

I dated a ketamine addict years ago before I had children and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He hid his addiction from me for a while so I honestly had no idea, he’d ‘borrow’ money from me but it always seemed really innocent (he’d say things like he was just a bit short before pay day and needed petrol etc but I obviously never had any of the money returned to me). At first he was lovely fwiw but that soon changed, he became abusive and controlling and was a billion times worse when he had taken the drugs. When I eventually ended it he stalked me for almost a year before assaulting me in broad daylight with witnesses, the police were involved and it was all a huge mess.

My point is, a methadone addict is still an addict. He has switched one drug for another as PP’s have pointed out. He may seem lovely now but that can easily change, you also have a child to consider so the risk just isn’t even worthwhile.

Jane1978xx · 25/02/2020 12:27

I went out with an addict when I was young. He was lovely as in kind and funny and attentive. But the drugs came first he’d be on methadone but sell that for heroin. He’d steal and lie for money. I was young and stupid but I wouldn’t be able to have an addict near my life and child. He may be the one who stays clean and has an amazing life but the downside is too much of a risk

MisguidedAngel · 25/02/2020 12:53

I had a relationship with an ex-addict for five years, but I didn't have children living with me. He wasn't on methadone, he'd never been to prison. He didn't take drugs. But he was very vulnerable to becoming an alcoholic, and he still had all the personality traits which led him to take drugs in the first place. I wouldn't have done it with a child in the equation and I wouldn't have done it if he was on methadone. As many pp have said, methadone is a drug and he is still an addict.

Poorolddaddypig · 25/02/2020 17:15

I’d give him a chance personally. But I’d make it VERY clear that it was a one-chance only kind of thing. No second chances after any slip ups. You have to think of your kid, but everyone deserves a chance, and 5 years clean? He’s done amazingly to make it this far. Good for him.

carlyclock · 25/02/2020 17:54

I’d give him a chance personally. But I’d make it VERY clear that it was a one-chance only kind of thing. No second chances after any slip ups.

The problem with that is between now and the next slip up OP gets in deeper and deeper and it's harder to get out.

ShesCurly · 25/02/2020 18:05

How long has OP been with this guy? Sorry if I missed it I tried to find it but couldn't see it mentioned (I might be wrong).

1f0nly · 25/02/2020 22:10

it's just handy as a tool for society to use to stop them robbing as Much to get a fix)

That is really offensive! Some of us have never stolen anything off anyone.

1f0nly · 25/02/2020 22:13

All this talk of people always being addicts is fairly offensive too. It’s a very sweeping statement to make.

PurpleTrilby · 25/02/2020 22:43

No, it's not offensive to state the truth that addicts are always addicts. As a mate of mine said, it steals a bit of your soul and you never quite get it back.

PurpleTrilby · 25/02/2020 22:47

Poorold, no, 5 years 'clean'? Bollocks, he is using methadone, not clean for even one day. Not from opiates. Which is the whole point.

carlyclock · 25/02/2020 23:00

All this talk of people always being addicts is fairly offensive too. It’s a very sweeping statement to make

Eh? It's not a sweeping statement. It's the truth.

It wasn't posted to offend, it's a fact.

anotherdayanotherdinner · 25/02/2020 23:14

I would be looking at how often he is collecting his methadone OP. If he has been on it for 5 years and still having to collect daily from the chemist that could indicate that he is either testing positives for opiates still or the prescribers have suspicions of this. If he is only having to pick up from the chemist weekly it would probably indicate he is doing well.

Go with your gut, if you have suspicions or something feels off it probably is.

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 00:54

Im on methadone and what he says is true, its just like taing insulin or something. SS wont give a shit. My ex flatmate is on methadone as well, has her kids full time.

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 00:58

Some utter fucking bullshit being posted here, as I suspected. If you like him, go for it if he relapses, leave. Simple.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 01:11

@patroclus it's not that simple when he has form for robbery and she has a young child to think of.

While I agree that someone has to be the person to give him a second chance, I don't know that OP is in the position to be able to do so.

AmazingGreats · 26/02/2020 01:19

Addiction literally changes your brain. The longer you are exposed the more damage is done but essentially addiction causes brain damage. Recovery is the process of building new neurological pathways in your brain so that you don't just repeat negative patterns or thinking and behaviour BUT you will always be an addict who is no longer acting on their addiction because your brain is building new pathways over old damage, not reversing the negative pathways you built during your addiction (or the parts of your brain that may have been permanently damaged due to your addiction and are now unable to ever work the way they did before you were an addict). You can't un pickle a pickled cucumber. Your brain will always have been soaked in vinegar. The more time in the vinegar the more pickled your brain will be, but even a little bit will pickle the cucumber IYSWIM

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 01:23

To the bullshit on this thread-

Methadone is not 'stronger than heroin'

Long term 20 year plus users are common

However, more common are people who ara on it for a very short time, it requires some commitment because it isnt actually a direct heroin substitute. After 5 yea he will be getting no buzz from it at all.

Methadone actually reduces the effects of heroin- taking heroin whilst being on a methadone script just makes you sleepy

Opiod withdrawal is very fucking far from 'simple'. Think Flu times 10

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 01:26

Also it only numbs emotions in as much as watching TV or reading does, as soon as the brief effect is over emotions are straight back.

Those who think 'theres no difference' between an addict using needles, commiting endless crime to fund the habit, going in and out of jail and somebody who visits the chemist every few days for a medication that might make you a bit drowzy is an idiot.

Itsonlywords · 26/02/2020 06:22

Opiod withdrawal is very fucking far from 'simple'. Think Flu times 10

Exactly. Why take that chance when you have a child?

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