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Original poster

New boyfriend is ex-addict

187 replies

Gina3333 · 24/02/2020 11:49

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

OP posts:
Patroclus · 26/02/2020 14:23

Methadone has nothing like the same psychoactive effects of heroin or those other substitutes you list, Amazing

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 14:23

So what of people who have a methadone script and have never taken heroin, Carly?

What do you mean 'what of them'?

They don't cancel out the thousands upon thousands of people who are on methadone because of heroin use.

The mere fact you consider this a valid argument goes back to my comment of how you are not best placed to provide a balanced stance.

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 14:25

@Patroclus

I see a lot of addicts. Your opinion is one that's shared by the majority. It's not a normal, sober or reasonable train of thought.

AmazingGreats · 26/02/2020 14:27

@Patroclus

Yes it does. You don't realise the effect it's having on you until you come off it. Believe me I thought none of the things I took had any effect on me but I was just in spectacular deep rooted denial. And it was "just" pills it wasn't needles. It was "just" wine it wasn't vodka. There was always somebody who was worse than me. There always is. But it does blunt your emotions and have a sedative effect on you, whether you think it does or not. It's physiologically happening. It's science not opinion that I will slow reaction times etc. Otherwise it would not be under the drug drive list with the DVLA

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 14:28

@AmazingGreats

I admire you and your honesty.

OhCaptain · 26/02/2020 14:36

@Patroclus sorry but what does that have to do with this situation?

He is an addict. He’s not taking methadone for any reason other than to manage his addiction. He’s not a diabetic, as though they’re in any way the same.

What is it that you’re trying to prove? Genuinely asking!

AmazingGreats · 26/02/2020 14:46

@carlyclock

It's often easier to be honest with other people than it is with myself. My default setting is denial. I'm not in denial about drugs/alcohol but I have been in denial about men and let men into my life who claimed to be ex-addicts, ex-problem drinkers, ex gamblers, ex debtors, ex domestic abusers. Nothing ex about them except that they are ex-boyfriends and ex-communicated from my life now. If I had not got my own past they wouldn't have had that route in. I would be incredibly wary of anyone with that past. When I'm not doing all the things I need to do I include myself in that, I become a toxic liability. Thankfully I have not been that person for many years, but I am always at risk of becoming that person again if I don't keep my tendency to denial and self delusion in check

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 14:55

I took objection to people automatically equating methadone users with heroin addicts. Very easy point to get, its not me trying to prove anything but others are. I said socially methadone is the same as going for insulin, which eople cant handle.

I will say though, when women have come on here with pasts and addictions there has been a very different reponse.

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 14:55

Everybody goes along with saying 'nobody is perfect' but god forbid anybody has to actually live by that.

Patroclus · 26/02/2020 14:57

Id say a lot of diabetics have actually, Menora.

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 15:01

I took objection to people automatically equating methadone users with heroin addicts

Hmm. Again, you have a skewed view.

Methadone users are MASSIVELY primarily heroin addicts.

Don't take objection to the facts.

AmazingGreats · 26/02/2020 15:16

@Patroclus

Socially going to get methadone is not the same as getting insulin. It's not the same socially or medically or in any other discernible way other than that it is a regular medication which you can get from a prescriber. In some circles these things can become normalised, I absolutely get that. When I was surrounded by people who were popping prescription pills and binge drinking that seemed normal; when I was around people who sniffed a lot of cocaine that seemed normal. But it's not. A LOT of people I know seem to think drink driving is acceptable. I don't spend time with these people if I can avoid it, and I would never ever get in a car with them or let them look after my kids. We get to be pickier than that when dating a new partner. If I started dating somebody and they drove over the limit I would dump them there and then. If I didn't and somebody found out I would expect social services to be all over me. I would expect them to question my judgement. If I started dating somebody on methadone prescribing I would expect there to be very serious concerns raised over my ability to protect my children. Because I would be choosing to bring somebody new in who had those issues. I would be gambling with mine and my children's safety. If I was going to date somebody with those issues I'd want to know they were as secure as possible in their recovery. Just like I have to be in mine to be a parent. The odds on this guy do not sound good enough to mitigate the risks. I would expect SS to be very concerned in this scenario.

AmazingGreats · 26/02/2020 15:18

There's a big difference between "perfect" and "in denial about a serious opiate addiction"

OhCaptain · 26/02/2020 15:19

But why are you taking exception to it @Patroclus?

Nobody is saying that addicts don’t deserve to get on with their lives! But of all the people in the world to bring into your child’s life, an addict who’s been to prison shouldn’t be one of them if you can help it!

Why is that so objectionable?

Gutterton · 26/02/2020 15:25

I think it is interesting that the OP was going to proactively approach SS and that her family are v against this RS.

This might mean that the family know of and see more to this individual that concerns them than the OP does - or wants to accept.

I am also wondering if there is power imbalance, naivety? As the OP says he was in prison decades ago (so he is likely 40s? 50s?) and she has a young child - so maybe an age gap?

1f0nly · 26/02/2020 15:54

@carlyclock

With all due respect to the people on the thread who used to use heroin/are on methadone i don't think you are best placed to provide a balanced view. The posts are minimising, angry and in some parts ('it's just like insulin') still very much in denial about the damage the drugs do.

Where have I said anything that is minimising or in any way in denial about the damage drugs do? Also I wasn’t getting angry. I was mildly annoyed 😒

Menora · 26/02/2020 15:58

You don’t even know what type of diabetes you are talking about

Type 1 is a condition you can develop no matter what choices you make and you have it for life will never recover fully

Type 2 can be attributed to your lifestyle choices and can be ‘reversed’ up to a certain point and doesn’t always need treatment

Comparing addiction to something like type 1 diabetes is not ok. My friend has a 11 year old child with type 1 and you wouldn’t wish it on anyone and there is nothing they could have done otherwise

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 16:00

Where have I said anything that is minimising or in any way in denial about the damage drugs do?

If you haven't then my post wasn't directed at you. Don't be offended or annoyed at me for something you didn't say. If you didn't say it my post doesn't apply to you.

Iflyaway · 26/02/2020 16:10

I'm a single mum, he's an adult now. I smoke weed..... it relaxes me. And I still hold it all together, job, house, parenting, taking care of aging parents, etc.

No way ever would I be attracted to a hard drugs user. Just too many problems, past and future. And I say that about coke users I've known in the past too. It ALWAYS comes before anything else.

I'd rather be on my own...

You and your child deserve a better life style than any junkie can give you.

Iflyaway · 26/02/2020 16:12

P..s. I live in a country that weed is legal, so basically, like going to the supermarket. Smile

Iflyaway · 26/02/2020 16:13

where

johnwayneisbigleggy · 26/02/2020 16:21

Being an ex hero in addict is not like being an ex weed smoker. The fact that he is on methadone so many years later would be ringing massive alarm bells for me

1f0nly · 26/02/2020 16:22

@carlyclock

You certainly made it sound like it was directed at all the posters on the thread that have used heroin in the past. Maybe you should choose your words more carefully.

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 16:28

You certainly made it sound like it was directed at all the posters on the thread that have used heroin in the past. Maybe you should choose your words more carefully.

Maybe you should take the chip off your shoulder?

I was ordering it at the people who were... 'minimising, angry and in some parts ('it's just like insulin') still very much in denial about the damage the drugs do.'

If that not you then I was NOT directing it at YOU.

carlyclock · 26/02/2020 16:30

Aiming not ordering Blush