New boyfriend is ex-addict

[Gina3333]

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

As a mate of mine said, it steals a bit of your soul and you never quite get it back.

I’m fairly sure my “soul” is still intact thanks, whatever the fuck that means 😂

An addict is someone who is addicted to something. I am no longer addicted to heroin, and haven’t been for a decade, therefore I am no longer an addict!
I totally agree that a drug like heroin causes permanent changes to your brain, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always be an addict.
I’ve been through some extremely stressful and traumatic things since being clean, and have not relapsed, or ever felt close to. I do not think about heroin, I don’t ever want to take it again, I don’t wish I could, I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather NOT do more than that!
I haven’t replaced it with another addiction, alcohol for example, which can be common when people come off heroin. So I and my doctors do not consider me an addict, regardless of whatever shit you guys want to spout about people like me.

1fOnly has deep insight due to their personal experience of heroin addiction and recovery - their firm advice from yesterday holds true:
*As a ex heroin addict, clean for 11 years, off prescription substitute for 10 years. I’d stay well clear, especially as you have a child. I would strongly suspect that he occasionally (or possibly not so occasionally) is still using heroin. I’d be very surprised if someone felt it necessary to stay on methadone for 5 years if they were totally clean.

I’d also be concerned about the kind of people he was associating with, especially as he’s been in prison in the past. As others have said, is it really worth the risk, when there are billions of other men to choose from?

Whoops sorry about the random bolding:

This is what 1fOnly advices:

As a ex heroin addict, clean for 11 years, off prescription substitute for 10 years. I’d stay well clear, especially as you have a child. I would strongly suspect that he occasionally (or possibly not so occasionally) is still using heroin. I’d be very surprised if someone felt it necessary to stay on methadone for 5 years if they were totally clean.
I’d also be concerned about the kind of people he was associating with, especially as he’s been in prison in the past. As others have said, is it really worth the risk, when there are billions of other men to choose from?

@1f0nly

Your probably right I'm getting caught up in semantics. Personally I believe I will always be an alcoholic and an addict no matter how much time has passed since I used or drank and however much I intend to not do those things ever again. But I do also get where you are coming from. I don't think the terms matter as much as your other points. I wouldn't count somebody on methadone as an ex addict or recovering addict or whatever other label you want to put on it. they are still using and that's the issue here. The legality of the substance wouldn't be my concern, I wouldn't have a drinking alcoholic around my kids either.

He’s not clean. He’s on methadone.

Look at it this way;

Billions of men in the world and you want to be with the addict with a criminal past?

You could just not take the chance with your daughter and the potential shit storm, and meet someone who isn’t an addict.

@AmazingGreats

You’re right, it’s just a word and I probably shouldn’t give it so much head space. I do think it’s not helpful to continue to label yourself as an addict though. Maybe for some people it is best as it reminds them they can’t ever drink for example, even just a little bit. For me though I don’t think that label is useful and feel it’s better to recognise that I have “recovered” if you like. I’m a very different person now, and no longer feel the need to self medicate to numb the pain of the past. Of the dozen people I started using with though as a teenager, as far as I’m aware none of them are clean (yet). I accept that my situation is not a typical outcome, which is why I would advise the OP to stay well clear of this man, especially for her child’s sake.

I honestly despair of some of the women who post on here.

He beats me up. He takes drugs. He won't earn any money.

But I love him.

FFS. Grow up and act like a responsible parent.

People often get distracted by labels - because people choose their own definitions of the word.

It’s the same with “alcoholic” - call yourself a “problem drinker” if alcoholic freaks you out. Call yourself something else if you don’t like that. People use labels hide behind and to decide if they need to act or not Doesn’t matter what the word is - it’s the individual behaviours that are relevant and how they impact on your relationships with your nearest and dearest.

@Toria70

I do agree with you, but I think when you tell people bluntly like that, they stop listening.

@1f0nly

I am in a very similar situation. I don't speak to any of my old friends/associates from my worst times but do sometimes read about them in the death announcements. I don't really talk about it, just as a dark time in my life, I think it's more with alcohol where people close to me know why I don't drink (some of them have got sober now too). I don't find the need to explain myself now with people I've just met/don't know well. I just say I don't drink because I don't like the feeling. Which is true. It would just not be worth it. The feeling for me would be the feeling of my life falling apart again and everything I do in my life is to move forwards now. I have met people who claimed to be ex-whatever-addicts and actually were not ex anything and caused me a lot of pain and unhappiness so I think when somebody says "ex-addict" it makes me think of the people I've known who called themselves that and where really just deceiving every body and still in their problem. But yeah, semantics.

I agree Toria70 - if the start point was informed from all of the research showing the huge negative long term impact on children's MH that their experience of living with the addict, gambler, cheater, abuser these Qs would not have to be asked in the first place. But many women are not informed.

@Gutterton

You’re right, how you label it doesn’t really matter. I just get annoyed at the “addicts are always addicts, they’re liars, and they’re thieves” type of attitudes.

Suppose I have 'deep insight' as well then? watever that means, and I think you give him a chance based on current circumstances. My drugs workers actually said to me the other week 'its no different to going for insulin'. Most other addicts I knew had been so since around 13 and didnt know any other way of life until they got through to the other side.

There int actually an unlimited amount of attractive, nice fun people out there just waiting to drop down infront of us.

Stop trying to equate methdone with heroin addiction. Its ridiculous and plain wrong. Some people even have to go on methadone after going too far on their co codamol. it could be you in a few years.

Stop equating it with Type 1 diabetes for which people need insulin to stay alive for the rest of their lives

It is insulting to compare the 2

Except he doesn’t have diabetes and he didn’t “go too far” on co-codamol. He’s a heroin addict who was in prison.

Why? do you think addicts are moral failures and all those with diabetes are saintly matyrs?

Im not talking about him and you know it.

With all due respect to the people on the thread who used to use heroin/are on methadone i don't think you are best placed to provide a balanced view. The posts are minimising, angry and in some parts ('it's just like insulin') still very much in denial about the damage the drugs do.

@Patroclus

It is not like insulin. Insulin keeps diabetics alive. Methadone does not keep addicts alive.

It is a harm minimisation strategy and it prevents the addict going through withdrawals. It is a substitute. In the same way that switching from heroin to weed, or alcohol, or codeine, is a substitute. It's like nicotine addicts who switch from smoking to vaping or NRT, they are still nicotine addicts, but they have reduced the amount of harm they get from their nicotine delivery method. They are no less addicted.

Stop trying to equate methdone with heroin addiction. Its ridiculous and plain wrong.

Oh dear.

Denial. Minimising. Excusing.

Also, bollocks.

People with type 1 diabetes are completely unable to control what happens to their bodies, prevention or otherwise. Once they develop it there is no other option but to monitor their blood sugars and their diet and take insulin forever. They also at no fault of their own then can develop more health problems like heart issues and skin issues. They have no choice in what is happening to them.

Someone who has an addiction problem can change. They can get help. They can survive without drugs and hopefully live a long healthy life. They get to choose

I know what insulin is ta. He was talking about its social acceptability with employers.

So what of people who have a methadone script and have never taken heroin, Carly?

Someone with type 1 diabetes hasn’t made any questionable life choices

So there is your answer