New boyfriend is ex-addict

[Gina3333]

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

You’re serious about him?
But he’s a “new” relationship. How new?

He's not an ex-addict. He's an ex-heroin addict and a current methadone addict. It's basically prescribed liquid heroin.

My husband is a ex addict and I'm afraid this man isn't a ex addict he is an addict , he has just subsided Heroine for methadone but is still very much an addict. Speaking from experience, do not get involved with this man, it's a very rocky road to follow and will cause a lot of heart ache and pain and not something you need in your life especially with a child

Had he been a recovered addict and been free of opiates for at least 3 years I would say absolutely give him a chance , but until he has addressed his addictions - please stay well clear.

It's really not a path you want to take - as I said I'm speaking from 1st hand experience and although we got there in the end it was many years of heart ache and torment

Stay away x

I keep coming back to this

Why? Just why? When there are so many people to choose from, why choose him?

I was all set to be all 'give people a chance', but the fact that he's not years clean of methodone means I can't. He's still an addict albeit under control with medical supervision.

As far as I know coming off methodone isn't easy and often leads to reuse of the original substance.

I'd stay clear.

Does he have a job? If so, what?
Do you work?
Whats your housing situation?
How old is your child?
How long have you been in this relationship?

There are billions of men in the world and you have to be with this one? You're determined to be serious about him? For what, to prove something to the world (when realistically no one really cares and there are no metals for valiantly and bravely putting up with this damaged soul)? To prove to everyone that Love Conquers All? His 'last' relapse was 5-year-old? Methadone is not the same as taking ibuprofen for a sore back . Many people use whilst on methadone.

You are being utterly foolish. No man is worth this.

As for 'give people a chance', you are not a charity. How about giving yourself a chance? To have a relationship with someone who isn't an addict and convicted criminal. There are plenty out there. 'a bit of a past' is minimising bollocks of you trying to talk yourself into this relationship, as you already have.

It's not the same as insulin to a Diabetic or Prozac to a person with depression either.

He is an addict.

Yes people deserve second chances and more, but he's not clean. He's an addict.

He has a decades-long history of addiction, with a last relapse only 5 years ago.

You are a fool to decide to be 'serious' about him. What does serious mean here? If it means working up to joining your lives and eventually your homes, then yes, you're deciding to put your child potentially at risk of another not unlikely relapse.

You've got no right to put your child in that kind of firing line, even if there's only a 5% chance of it negatively affecting them.

If you intend to keep him away from your child permanently, then fine.

If not, you are being unreasonable and I would expect at some point for your child's father to raise concerns.

Think you need to truly put your child first here before you get further entwined.

My instinct would be to stay away. However if you're set on this guy then stay with him but keep it casual and keep him apart from your child for a few years

Fuck no. I am an ex-addict (6 years now). Methadone clean is not clean. That is still a heavy opiate addiction which he has minimised to you, and possibly to himself. He is not that far down the recovery pathway. I would cut and run.

My child wouldn't be put in this position. He's still an addict if he's on methadone. He's been in prison, call me whatever you like but I would never take the chance.

If I was your child's other parent I'd be doing all I could to keep them away from this man, and would seriously question your judgment regarding safeguarding.

I think you'd be foolish. He's an addict to liquid heroin.
Do you think he's telling the truth about his last relapse being 5 years ago? I mean, I'm no expert but would you really be on methadone that long?

What's he like in other ways? Is he managing to hold down a job? Drive a car? Does he socialise with his family?

He is on methadone therefore he is not recovered. When you say he replapsed 5 years ago you mean he switched from legal to illegal product 5 years ago.

Why do you want any of this in your life?

I agree with the others. It's a new relationship, you have a kid, you're already talking about contacting child services etc - just, why? For what? You can't be that serious if it's a new thing, there are billions of other men to choose from... Come on op, just find a different one ffs.

IME there are not many addicts who make it to being truly in recovery/recovered, those that do it's because of a period of sustained abstinence, a lot of work and a fundamental and lasting change not just in their lives but in themselves. That's something which is incredibly hard to measure, but "clean time" is one measure that can help contribute to the risk assessment. But an addict, ex or otherwise will always be a risk. So will an offender, ex or otherwise. I 100% believe in rehabilitation and I have my own past, it is my life's work to make sure I do not go backwards. But I would by lying if I said I wasn't more of a risk in a relationship than somebody who didn't have that past. I'm doing everything I can mitigate that risk, but however many years go by and however much work I do I will always be a higher risk than somebody who has not had that history. It's not just history either though, my mind and body react differently to the stimuli of drugs and/or alcohol. And once consumed I become an unknown quantity. He is still especially unpredictable because he is still consuming that stimuli. The crime may be his past, but the addiction is still very much his present.

This is a terrible idea.

You aren't being honest with yourself and you aren't listening when your family is trying to get through to you.

Serving time in prison is more than a 'bit of a past'
methadone is not comparable to a medication for a bad back
'At the moment' there are no plans to introduce him to your child

This is a new relationship and instead of thinking 'well, with the knowledge I have gained about this person it can not continue' you are thinking 'how can i continue this relationship without ringing alarm bells to social services etc'

If I was your child's father I would absolutely want full custody to remove the child from this situation.

Get a grip on yourself. And quickly.

Don't live with him and don't lend him money.

As others have said he isn't clean he's taking a substitute so is still an addict. All he's done is switch from an illegal version to a legal version.

He's lied to you about the nature of the methadone and you're lapping it up because you want to see the best in him.

Think about your child and what's best for him/her. An opiate addict (in whatever form that may be) is certainly not it.

You would rather invve social services in your child life, than be single or find someone who wasn't addicted to heroine 5 years ago?
In all honestly, I've ve witnessed too many addicts relapse again and again to believe he can stay clean. He is still addicted, it's just a different substance.

Why are you even thinking about starting a relationship with someone needing to be on methadone?

He's not drug free or an 'ex addict', he's just replaced the heroin with the methadone (a heroin substitute).

You and your child are worth more than this.

I am all for giving people second chances, and I do believe that addicts can recover. They don’t become “ex-addicts” though, so I’d worry if they were his words. The addiction is always there; what is different is how they deal with it.

His language seems like it’s minimising the issue, as others have said. Methadone isn’t a usual medicine. I’d want to know his long term plan on how to stop it. A member of my extended family has been recovering and relapsing for years, but at no point was she on methadone for as long as 5 years.

I’m not saying totally write him off, but I wouldn’t introduce him to your child until you are as sure as you can be that this is under control. You don’t want methadone in your house at all.

You have a choice here.

You have no ties to this man and are actively CHOOSING to bring the inevitable drama of addiction into your child's life.

He might have a gold-plated cock but you need to walk away. Don't be that woman that values herself so poorly that this is the best she thinks she can do.