New boyfriend is ex-addict

[Gina3333]

Hi, just looking for some advice really,

My new boyfriend has a bit of a past. He was involved in drugs and prison. He hasn't been in trouble with the law for 20 years, and has been clean from heroin and other drugs for many years, although he is still prescribed methadone. The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back. I only see the boyfriend on weekends when my child is away with her father, and at the moment there are no plans to introduce my boyfriend to my child. He lives in his own flat, and I live alone with the child.

My family aren't too thrilled about the situation and are telling me I'm going to lose my child. Just to be clear, there are no drugs anywhere near my home, my house is spotless, my child is well cared for, goes to a good school, is always clean and nicely dressed etc. etc.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience in a similar situation. Can child services come and investigate me? Can the child's father challenge for full custody? What happened and what did you do? This is really stressing me out. thanks

You are being incredibly foolish. Someone using methadone is not clean. Not even close. You are making a horrible mistake and dragging your poor child along with you.

The OP isn't coming back is she? We haven't told her what she wanted to hear

@LividLaughLovely spot on!

The way he explains it, it's a medicine, and is no different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back

It's very different to being prescribed painkillers for a sore back.

He's not even an addict trying to recover and being honest about it.

Why would you invite this into your life, and therefore into your child's life.

Be more serious about your child than you are about this new boyfriend.

Methadone is highly addictive and if he's still on methadone after all these years, he's still an addict, still addicted to the same buzz.

For the sake of your child, get rid. You want the best role model for your child and a methadone addict isn't one of them.

I speak from experience. Not only have I known heroin addicts, my mum was also on methadone as a pain killer. As soon as any problems occurred, she'd take an extra tablet to numb the emotional pain (she had a terminal illness). Methadone can sometimes build up in your system and quickly release, which happened to my mum on many occasions and she'd often be found on the brink of death. Barely breathing, blue, pin-point pupils, no response to pain (or anything), urinated herself... she'd often end up on life support. I'm not saying he would get like this but he could, and heaven forbid if your child got hold of it or if he was too out of it... it's just not worth it.

Can I ask OP, how long has he been on methadone for, and at what dosage? Does he want to taper off it or just remain addicted to it forever? If it's the latter, it will limit his life in many ways (and yours). Also why does he want to remain on opiates for good? Fear of uncomfortable/painful withdrawal?

You won't be able to do anything spontaneously because he'll have to give his methadone prescriber notice, sometimes months if going abroad, so that they can issue his holiday medication and a letter allowing to export a controlled drug into another country. What if he accidentally loses/spills a weeks-worth? His doctor won't issue another prescription, it's against the law. Withdrawals are not nice to witness.

Remaining on methadone long-term is not recommended. The opiate receptors are still stimulated, but only just enough to remind the addict what they're missing, which can lead to relapse. When attending appointments with the local addiction services he is at risk of bumping into former drug buddies who may be in active addiction.

If he plans to taper off, be prepared for him having to face the world of pain that caused the opiate addiction in the first place, which often causes anger. Opiates completely divorce people from their feelings, and learning to live with them is a highly emotional time, usually involving a lot of anger for the recovering addict.

If he'd been clean from all opiates for say, 2+ years and had done the mental work that recoving from an addiction requires (there is a LOT!) I wouldn't be painting such a bleak picture, but from what you write OP, it doesn't sound too hopeful to me.

Put your child first. Not your new relationship. He's an addict. He's still taking opiates.

Why even risk it?

You sound really naive. No wonder your family arent happy.
You mention he relapsed only five years ago and he is still addicted to a Heroin replacement.

So what happens in another 5 years when he could relapse again - only this time he's moved in with you, has his druggy mates round and could be influencing your child?

Why make your life unnecessarily hard?!
Does he work ? What is his family like? Are his friends heavy drinkers and drug takers? Do they work?

This isn't just about you. if your ex finds out he has every right to pursue this. I would be very worried about the situation so I doubt he'd be overjoyed at his child being in the middle of it all.

Hope you listen to the reactions because that's what you posted for.

Exactly what @MadeForThis said.

I am serious about this new boyfriend

That might not be wise, especially given he's "new"

The obvious question is whether you know all the timescales (the conviction, the addiction, etc) for a fact, or if you're just going on what he's told you?

Your DC deserves a second chance they have obviously experienced one trauma in life by their family breakup so they need a belt and braces approach to their emotional development because they have already had an emotional injury.

Your DC needs your fully attuned and focused emotional energy to recover from and minimise the negative developmental impact of their family breakdown.

They do not at best need their DM preoccupied and drained looking over her shoulder 24/7 helping an addict through their addiction or at worst being exposed to the whole psycho-drama that living with an addict entails.

Conserve your mental focus and prioritise it for your DC who didn’t ask for any of the hurt already inflicted on their emotional development - focus on their needs not the needs of some random adult addict who has made bad choices for decades.

I can’t even imagine that this guy has even a healthy emotional capacity if he has been on mind altering drugs for decades. Who / what are you actually interacting with in this RSs?

If it’s a new RSs he is likely love-bombing and being manipulative.

What have you got that he wants? A home? Money?

What’s his RS history?

Don’t do this to your DC.

Oh and many people are still on the methadone program 20 years later. Many of them use as well. Being on methadone just swaps one addictive substance for another.

This.

Also addicts are liars.

5 years ago relapse - could mean 5 minutes.

Look up the website “adult children of alcoholics / addicts” if you want to see what long term crippling MH issues this RS could inflict on your DC.

Agree with all PP that he is not a recovering addict and 5 years on a meth program doesn't sit right with me?! It seems a VERY long time to be scripted. I'd be questioning the length of time since his last relapse. I doubt very much he has 100% truthful with you.

BUT ex addicts can recover. I'm living breathing proof of that. I've been clean for 22 years and not even a gun to my head would make me take that path again so disagree that once an addict always an addict.

That part of my life is a distant memory, a blip in my life journey. I'm not ashamed of my past, it thought me so much and gave me a strength I never knew I had.
Once you've been rock bottom as a heroin addict and recocered you know life can't ever get any worse than that.

I have a successful career, a family and I'm financially and emotionally stable. So addicts can and do recover.

If you really are determined to be I this mans life. Step back and support him as a friend until he is opiate free and see where it goes after that.

Also in another note, opiates numb all emotions and as an addict I wasn't capable of loving anyone, not even myself. The relationships I held were co dependent or they were of use to me in some way.

Just why would you even consider it? I find it baffling that people can be so desperate to be with someone that they will overlook shit like this.

Bin. He isn't an ex addict, he's an active addict who is using daily.

“although he is still prescribed methadone”

I almost immediately said “dump” anyway but upon reading this definitely dump!

He’s still an addict, there’s no such thing as an “ex” addict, with all the issues that can bring. He’s not “clean” at all.

Definitely dump considering you have a child involved. No question about it.

Have you checked with sources other than him preferably official ones what his convictions were for and when? You could do this but honestly I wouldn’t bother, I’d just dump and block all contact.

5 years is not very long ago for last relapse.

Also simply not taking the substance they’re addicted to doesn’t mean they aren’t still mired in the psychological aspects of that addiction.

I’ve a family full of addicts, some still active addicts others in recovery (even 30+ years and they themselves will tell you they’re a recovering addict NOT an ex addict, and they still have to work to resist the addiction EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!)

He’s minimising, excusing and defending his current dependency which means he hasn’t fully accepted he’s an addict.

The person you need to give a chance to is YOUR CHILD!

You’re better off single plus as pps day plenty of other men WITHOUT all these issues.

Please DO NOT let your child down by staying with this man.

I have a friend who's now running a really successful business, who in his late teens was in prison and also a drug addict. He's come good and I'd trust him with my dc etc.

But a relapse 5 years ago isn't that long ago in my book.

As for investigating etc, it's possible, but as he's managing it and he's under his go, there's not much anyone will do and it won't cast a black mark against you as long as you always put your dc first and the first wiff of trouble you take action. But that would be the case with any bf, past or no past

I wouldn't date a methadone addict. Why hasn't he tried to stop? Opiate withdrawal is short-lived and fairly easy to manage. Two weeks of reduced dose and he'd be clean.

Poor parenting judgment to have a relationship with him.

Just not worth the risks.

My sister was in a LTR relationship with a guy who was on methadone long term. She didn't have kids though. I always saw him as a gentle man and when we were all at my mum's for Christmas along with my kids it never occurred to me that he would be any threat to any of us.

That part of my life is a distant memory, a blip in my life journey.

This isn’t the case here though is it? We are talking decades of addiction which will continue to have a significant impact. I struggle to even see how you can even be really emotionally connected to someone if their senses are blunted by methadone?

Are you a “rescuer”?

I'm absolutely baffled

He'll always be an addict. He's still taking methadone. Only a matter of time before the next replase.
Protect your child and stay the hell away from him.