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Original poster

AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

180 replies

Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:00

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2020 15:04

What "crap" were you covered in ? Confused

I don't like folk turning up unannounced either, to be fair

Berthatydfil · 22/02/2020 15:04

Yanbu.
He’s telling you he doesn’t care about your boundaries.

letmeinthroughyourwindow · 22/02/2020 15:06

I do think it's a bit odd to object to a bf turning up, and especially as he did text first to say that he was picking something up for you.

But I also think that it's the least of your problems and you should probably call it a day for any one of the dozen other good reasons to do so.

category12 · 22/02/2020 15:06

Well, on the one hand, it's a more unusual boundary to have - but on the other, given your history, it makes perfect sense to have that boundary.

People, especially men you're dating, don't get to tell you your boundaries are "silly" or try to blow through them.

If you're often fighting and keep breaking up on top of it, then staying broken up would seem the answer.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 22/02/2020 15:07

How dirty is your home that cleaning it leaves you “covered in crap” ??

If you don’t like people just turning up, it’s a bit weird but ok. Tell him you don’t like it, don’t answer the door he’ll get the message 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:09

Thanks, I realise maybe it is a bit weird to be the way I am and not enjoy unexpected guests but it is what it is. Maybe he is better off without me anyway! 😂

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 22/02/2020 15:11

If you don’t like people just turning up, it’s a bit weird

It isn’t weird at all. I can’t stand people just turning up. Why should your plans trump theirs?!

Ring or text first and ask whether they mind if you come round.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:11

It was just dust and stuff. I don't know, maybe I should just not slob around so much. I am easily intimidated though due to my history and definitely value my privacy.

OP posts:
totallydevoidofideas · 22/02/2020 15:12

He's made you 'feel a bit intimidated'?? Him turning up unannounced is less of a problem than how he makes you feel when he is there. Don't put up with this. I wouldn't like unannounced visits, either, and if he knows this and still does it, then he is doing it for a reason and it's not a good one. Get rid.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:12

Thanks @Letseatgrandma glad to know it isn't just me being totally weird

OP posts:
Sunshinespacecadet · 22/02/2020 15:12

I’m the same OP, I’ve had a problem with a stalker in the past and I don’t like people (especially men) turning up unannounced. You are allowed to have your boundaries accepted.

Drum2018 · 22/02/2020 15:13

There are other reasons you should end things with him, not just him turning up unannounced when you have asked him not to. He has made your feel intimidated, and you have recognised other red flags. Why would you therefore continue a relationship with him? After being in previous abusive relationships, be proud that you can recognise these red flags and that you are able to set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't feel guilty for sending him away. How will he ever learn to respect your request if you don't send a clear message that he cannot just call unannounced? TBH I'd seriously consider ending the relationship based on your op.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:13

R.e. the intimidation thing I think it could be partly due to my history and sensitivity in that area. Not sure

OP posts:
JustForTheTasteOfIt · 22/02/2020 15:14

Why aren't you focusing on ending it rather than the individual issues that add up to you needing to end it?

Red flags. Intimidated. Bad arguments. Your words.

Come on OP, you said you've been through this before.

What's stopping you ending it?

Is there anything you need to work through that we could help you have a think about?

Thanks
DowntonCrabby · 22/02/2020 15:15

It’s not you.

It’s a lack of respect, you’ve told him you don’t like it.

Added to the rest of your post I’d say leave him.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:16

Thanks everyone. I don't know my feelings for him have been very up and down. I don't know if it is because of my history, I am weird as some people have said (for example for not liking people coming round unannounced), because of our arguments, because of the red flags, though I am not 100% sure if they have been red flags or if I have been too sensitive to things due to my history. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.

I wish I had not put so much detail in my first post as worried he might see it (though not sure why he would be on this site!)

OP posts:
Gogolego · 22/02/2020 15:16

I had a bf like this. Cranked up my anxiety well up I felt like I couldn't relax as I was worried he'd turn up at any points. It got to the point when I'd pretend to be out. He eventually got the message that I like to be notified a few hours beforehand

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:17

It's hard because I do care for him, not sure if I have just been too sensitive or not, and because he lives so close...

OP posts:
category12 · 22/02/2020 15:17

You can slob around as much as you like. And if people aren't covered in crap when they're cleaning, they're not doing it right Grin

sodabreadjam · 22/02/2020 15:18

Do you think he suspects you might be seeing someone else and is trying to catch you out by turning up unexpectedly?

category12 · 22/02/2020 15:19

Thing is, if you've previously been in abusive relationships, you are more likely to find yourself in another, so vigilance is a good thing.

And I don't like people coming round unannounced - it's rude.

RedskyAtnight · 22/02/2020 15:20

I suspect if this was reversed there would be a whole host of posters saying he didn't want to let you in because he was having an affair.

unless you've only just started going out, I do think it's a bit weird that you mind opening the door to him just because you're a bit dirty from cleaning. Fine to say it's not a good time to come in.

user53976478853 · 22/02/2020 15:23

This doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship ever. What are you getting out of it?

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Or had other support over the domestic violence?

user53976478853 · 22/02/2020 15:25

I suspect if this was reversed there would be a whole host of posters saying he didn't want to let you in because he was having an affair.

Hmm
Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:26

"he did text first to say that he was picking something up for you."

He texted after to tell me he had gone and got it. I had not asked him to get it and it wasn't something I needed right then, it is something I could have picked up from him later

OP posts: