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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

180 replies

Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:00

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 18:59

What did you do immediately after he put his hand over your mouth?

SixesandEights · 22/02/2020 18:59

But normally when we argue or I have tried to end it everything usually turns out to be my fault or it is because of my mental health issues, etc

You're in an abusive relationship, OP.

End it and if he says it's your fault or because of MH, reply, "Yes, you're probably right."

Then block him on everything.

He's currently done a complete number on you.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/02/2020 19:00

YANFBU. I want some warning, I might be enjoying chilling out by myself and not feel like company at that time, or I'd want to make myself and the flat presentable before someone comes round.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/02/2020 19:01

Just need to RTFT- looking at other's comments it doesn't sound good OP!

Ozziewozzie · 22/02/2020 19:05

In my experience, the guys who turned up unannounced were the hardest to get rid of. They all tended to have other behaviours too. Classic live bombing at the start. Everything they did which felt invasive to me, they would manipulate it to seem they were ‘doing me a favour’. Would never take no for an answer either. I would always end up looking like the bad person andvthey would play the victim. Stick with your instincts.
I wouldn’t just turn up at a friends house claimed no I’ve just come around for a coffee without it being arranged equally.
If you’ve explained these boundaries and he’s not respecting them, that’s even worse.

I had a guy who left his 2 young boys at home Aline late at night as he’d turned up unannounced. I told him I had a headache. He insisted he cook dinner and give me a massage to relax me. It really shocked me. Id clearly explained I wanted an early night alone. He then turned up at 11pm shouting through my letter box as he was worried about me as I hadn’t answered his numerous texts. Hmm

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 22/02/2020 19:07

I don't like people turning up unannounced either, my carer could be here, or I could be out.

datasgingercatspot · 22/02/2020 19:10

I had a guy who left his 2 young boys at home Aline late at night as he’d turned up unannounced. I told him I had a headache. He insisted he cook dinner and give me a massage to relax me. It really shocked me. Id clearly explained I wanted an early night alone. He then turned up at 11pm shouting through my letter box as he was worried about me as I hadn’t answered his numerous texts. hmm

Hope you told him to fuck off or you'd call the police to his address for child abandonment. What a creep.

katy1213 · 22/02/2020 19:16

Dump him ... argumentative, doesn't respect boundaries, what's not to dislike about this man? I hate droppers-in, too. Once they're in the door, it's too hard to get rid of them. Why is he at such a loose end that he needs to keep dropping in, anyway?
Also, why keep breaking up/taking breaks? If you need to take a break, it's clearly not working - end it.

Lipz · 22/02/2020 19:26

If you are not happy in this relationship for whatever reason, end it. If you have come on here posting, then it is clear you have doubts. This is your gut telling you. The only thing to be gained from a relationship with red flags is a confused head. You can see yourself how much you are suffering from your dv relationship. There is all different types of abuse and each one leaves a scar. Put yourself first, do what you want to do and everything else will fall into place.

Ozziewozzie · 22/02/2020 19:36

@datasgingercatspot I most certainly did. Grin

NoMoreDickheads · 22/02/2020 19:37

I am just scared and I don't know why. Scared because of my history, fear of men in general and me expecting he will turn out to be yet another abusive guy, or scared because he has perhaps given me a gut instinct to feel that way about him in particular

I'd say it's him in particular, the hand over your mouth (which is getting physical) and the turning up unannounced when you were on a break (which is intrusive/intimidating.

Your past means you have learned stuff, and that isn't altogether a bad thing, it's not wrong, you are right about what he is like.

As to being isolated etc- this is how these types get a foothold. It feels a lot better if you're prepared to/do ditch people if you're not happy with them, trust me.

But normally when we argue or I have tried to end it everything usually turns out to be my fault or it is because of my mental health issues, etc

Is that what he tells you, or you tell yourself? Either way, it's not so. You have plenty of grounds to end it (you've not even mentioned them all) it's not being 'mental' to be very uncomfortable in this relationship, quite the opposite.

opticaldelusion · 22/02/2020 20:14

It's mumsnet. People coming to your house without making an appointment six months in advance is a hanging offence.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 22:08

Yes I know, thanks everyone, and I think I have known from the start something was off (either that or it was just because I wasn't over my ex and wasn't ready for a new relationship)
He did some love bombing at the start
Now I feel like because he went and got this product which I hadn't asked for then turned up unannounced with it, I am indeed supposed to just be grateful and he is again the victim because I didn't want him coming round
He has been difficult to get rid of, like when I did try to break up with him he knocked on my door unannounced a few times, his excuse is always checking up on me due to my mental health. And then I have gotten lonely and missed him and given in
It is hard to trust my feelings as I am very messed up mentally and do care for him a lot. But it is little things like today that do get to me so much. He hasn't touched me again since the hand thing but yes I really didn't appreciate it at all
I will sort it eventually just need time and courage and strength to stay away, thanks for all the advice

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 22/02/2020 22:14

So you've noticed red flags, he's intimidated you in the past, he isn't respecting your boundaries, you have a history of domestic violence relationships..... tread with caution!

emmetgirl · 22/02/2020 22:20

I bloody HATE anyone turning up unannounced. HATE IT!!!!

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 22:31

It's mumsnet. People coming to your house without making an appointment six months in advance is a hanging offence.

Well, if it isn't already, I'm going to check that it certainly should be. Hmm

OP, he's genuinely terrifying.
Are you in a position to quickly and quietly move house?

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 22:35

I think that what I am doing now is waiting until I am in a position financially to move away.
As I don't think I can fully end it now without moving, which is a shame as I like living where I live. I have tried to end it before and it hasn't worked. So I feel like I have to move.

And I originally moved here to have a fresh start on my own after being heartbroken by ex. But then walked straight into this relationship with somebody that lives very close by.
I think I have made up my mind to just up and move as soon as I can. I have been thinking about it for a while. I know I am not happy here (though I do like living here mostly) and don't think it is just because of my mental health

OP posts:
Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 22:37

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 22:40

I would recommend - if you can afford it - having crossover between the two houses so that you can sneak things out over a week or so, when he isn't around. I would try to schedule any moving truck for when he isn't around and not give mutual acquaintances your forwarding address. Make it far enough away that he can't just "pop over" if he finds you. If you're lucky, he's lazy and stays local for stalking.

Catchuptv · 22/02/2020 22:43

I absolutely HATE people turning up unannounced I think it's really rude and I know that my visitors can probably tell my face that I'm not happy.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 22:46

It will do your mental health the power of good to end it with him then cut all contact. So what if he is a neighbour? I bet we all have a neighbour we avoid.

freeingNora · 22/02/2020 22:48

Google dopamine addiction it may prove enlightening

loveyoutothemoon · 23/02/2020 09:22

I hate anyone turning up unannounced and expecting to be available with a few minutes notice. I recently had a relationship like this, didn't respect boundaries, just thought about how he felt with situations. If they don't listen initially I don't think they ever will.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 23/02/2020 09:55

Why does he do that, p116 a sign of further abuse is doing you favours that you don't want. He is creating a sense of indebtedness. Speak to women's aid for tips on ending the relationship safely

Sunflowernet · 23/02/2020 10:04

I didn't read all the pages cos the first one was enough, this is classic stalking & possessive behaviour.
He is checking up on you.
I had this and it got hell of a lot worse. Until one day he stole my key (But that's another story)
I don't have to read the rest of the pages cos I know there will be more to this.
Listen to your gut. Get out of the relationship now.