AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

[Helloandhi]

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

@roarfeckingroar yes I know you are all probably right, I guess I am just trying to take the time to figure it out and also give him the chance to prove otherwise

@torktorkbam 😂 yes you're right!

If you're staying in today, get reading. These two books are excellent. I've been reading the Hennessy book from a PP's recommendation. It's a Great and insightful read!

They will help you get even stronger once your understand what he's doing....

Keep up the progress, I love that you kept your boundaries intact today.

Don Hennessy
The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets into Her Head

www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Lundy Bancroft
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=lundy+bancroft&sprefix=lund&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1583070784&sr=8-1

Do you not feel like this relationship is over now?

I've followed your thread. He is still buying you stuff you haven't asked for in order to make you feel indebted so you don't leave him and / or as a reason to see you.

You clearly feel anxious, on edge and know your boundaries aren't really being listened to.

It feels like a replay of last weekend because it is.

It feels "almost like any excuse to try to see you without just actually asking" because it is.

I don't say all this to sound accusatory or frustrated but I do think you are still avoiding making a decision that affects you long term (leaving him, being happy without him and not anxious about him) because you don't want to deal with the short term potential awkwardness / drama.

Do you feel like your head is genuinely more in the space of seeing how things go, or deep down would you be incredibly relieved if the relationship was over?

Just saw your other new thread. Please just end it OP you say in there you look forward to being single. With all due respect, as I would say this to a mate, wtf are you doing?!

I don't think you're weird at all OP and even if you are (you're not) .....being in a relationship with someone who ignores your boundaries and then sulks - isn't appealing to me

Thanks @Justtryingtobehelpful I have heard of those and will check them out.

I know @ShesCurly I do have myself to blame for a lot of this. I care for him a lot and just don't really know what I truly want. I do want space/alone time though, privacy and to have my boundaries respected. I agree with what you are saying. I guess I am trying to hold on to see how things go as you say.

Progress?

Not really. You were in an abusive relationship and you're still in an abusive relationship.

Progress will be ending the abusive relationship.

I guess the problem is, that I am really struggling to think of him as "abusive".
I mean with the guy who was seriously physically violent to me, it was obvious.

When he put his hand on my mouth, it was firm but didn't hurt, and he apologised after. I was definitely shocked by it. Nor do I appreciate the other boundary breaking and the arguments we have had. But the rest of him is thoughtful and caring and actually very much more so then most other guys I have known, the abusive and non-abusive ones.

Sorry if this means I am weak or stupid or for still not recognising it and not knowing what I really want/whether to end it once and for all and how to do this (this last part is made harder by my mental health issues and ups and downs...it's hard for me to make decisions sometimes and know what I want).

Just finding it hard to think of him that way at the moment but I do appreciate all the input and advice

But does it matter??

I mean, you’ve thread after thread about “nice guys” and red flags and behaviour you’re not happy with.

Even if you struggle to see it as abusive, you still don’t like a lot of things about him.

You can break up with someone because you’re not happy. Or just because you feel like it. It doesn’t have to be because there’s abuse!

How is it good that he has done exactly the same "trick" as last time?

he put his hand on my mouth

the other boundary breaking and the arguments we have had

Just today he has broken your boundaries yet again.

I feel exactly the way you do about unexpected visitors. I wouldn't just turn up unannounced at someone else's home.
You've told him you'd rather he arranged to call and he is carrying on regardless. To me, that says he doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Not good at all, possibly a deal breaker.

Of course he would have turned up.
End it. Do it before it's too late.
He's waited a few days and just started where he left off.
But at least you sound stronger and are thinking about it all. That's progress for you by yourself, not as a couple.

Don't worry about labelling him as abusive or not.

Only concern yourself with setting boundaries. If he repeatedly crosses your boundaries it means you are unsuited to each other.

Did he stay away today?

YANBU I think it's unreasonable of him to just turn up unless he actually lives there! He should text/whatsapp you in advance. Don't apologise to him, just tell to whatsapp in future. Or... perhaps end it because you don't seem to be that into him.

Yes he did stay away today.

I was very into him at the start. But after the arguments red flags and other things plus my DV history I am now more cautious/confused. I care for him a lot. But yes regardless of whether he may or may not be abusive perhaps we just aren't compatible in the long run.

I am just trying to figure out how to go about ending it. I am worried he won't take me seriously as I tried before, or that he will get pretty angry. But I know deep down that I have to do it eventually.

Sorry accidentally posted the above with wrong username 🙄🤦‍♀️

This is how you end it:

I’m ending it.

If he gets aggressive, you call the police.

I know this sounds pathetic but I am scared to do it ☹️ and scared he won't believe/accept me and will just say it's down to my mental health again

I have typed out a message...I am not sure it is really acceptable to just do it by message though since it has been on/off for more than a year now. Perhaps I am a coward.

I do feel a bit stuck. Perhaps because he lives so nearby. Never making that mistake again!

What does it matter if he says it's your mental health?

Send a message ending it, and tell him not to contact you any more and that you need him to respect your boundaries and leave you alone.

If he continues to contact you, block him.

If he comes round, don't open the door and tell him to go away. If he doesn't listen, call the police.

Message is fine. It gives him a chance to process it alone.

Think boundaries. If you tell him you are ending the relationship and he refuses to accept it or goes on about your MH, well, that should make you angry and more convinced you are doing the right thing. H

as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags

This is the issue, as much as him turning up unexpectedly.

Please do this for yourself.

You can even tell him "For the sake of my MH I need to be single and not be in a relationship, there are other things that need my time and attention."

You can counter everything he says with "and that's why I need to be single" 😂

Best of all "I have ended it, leave me alone, do not come to my home else I will report it as harassment." Then block.

I don't think it's weird, I hate people turning up unannounced, my home is 'my' space and I feel really uncomfortable having to drop whatever I was doing to see and speak to people - but I'm a bit weird like that