AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

[Helloandhi]

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

What does he do that makes you feel intimidated?

You have told him you do not like him turning up announced. He gives not a gram of fuck about your boundaries, they mean nothing to him, only what he wants, so he continues to do as he pleases.

That alone is a reason to end it for good.

And STOP just STOP dating for a long, long time whilst you do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem and self-respect.

Because that will tell you that the very first time you tell someone 'NO' to anything and they don't respect that, you drop them like a hot brick for good.

Forgot all the minimising apologist eager assistants scolding you for not being the good little woman socially conditioned to question and put aside her own boundaries.

FUCK THAT. You are allowed to like what you like and dislike what you dislike.

He has no respect for your boundaries, he makes you feel uncomfortable, there are other red flags, so you dump him and don't look back.

It's not about not answering the fucking door.

I also don't like people showing up unannounced. That's your preference and you don't have to feel bad about it. It's your boundary, your choice.

No, you are not being 'too sensitive', that's female social conditioning bullshit that leads to women putting up with shit behaviour from others.

Get rid of him and start a relationship with yourself for a while until you're in a place where you have total respect for your boundaries.

Thanks. I do know it is a little weird not letting a boyfriend round. I guess I just don't want him to see me looking like shit?!

When we met I was planning on not dating for a long time, @datasgingercatspot
I had just come out of a very long relationship (non abusive one) and wanted to be single. I did tell current one that I probably wasn't ready for a relationship. It has been up and down partly because of that I fear as well.
Sorry I am trying to keep up with replies but I am still cleaning 😂

OP I don't see a problem with not answering the door to him, you were busy cleaning and not comfortable with him seeing you like that but also that he just turned up. On top of the other matters why should you just be available with no notice, being interrupted and taken off your job.

I would have done exactly the same and have done without a moment of regret.

It sounds unreasonable, but I am immediately the same.
I've had people drive miles out of their way to visit me when I wasn't in.
Why not phone first?

So you've told this chap you're not ready to be in a relationship - yet here you are. Why did that boundary vanish? Did he keep chasing?

You've told him before you don't like unexpected visits - yet here you are. Boundary crossed.

You fight a lot. Is it mostly about him crossing your boundaries?

I do know it is a little weird not letting a boyfriend round. I guess I just don't want him to see me looking like shit?!

No, no it isn't weird. It's your home and your preference and you told him you didn't like it. He doesn't care about your not liking it!

You told him you were not ready for a relationship. He doesn't care!

You are currently unable to spot manipulative people who have no care for your boundaries. That's worrying and you're vulnerable.

And if you have a fear of being single, that's extremely worrying but it makes you very ripe for what you've got right now: a person who puts his own wants and needs first and sulks, gets annoyed, other PA behaviour when he doesn't get it and is told NO.

No one gets in my house if they turn up unannounced!

I don't think it's weird at all to not like people turning up unannounced, especially if you've specifically said not to do it.

Have you done the Freedom Programme OP, since you have had a few abusive relationships. I would end it and if he keeps turning up and hassling you then contact the National Stalking Helpline for advice.

Do you want him?

He steamrolled through your boundaries. You told him no, he did it anyway. Not good. It worries me that he has made you feel intimidated - please do not minimise your feelings, if you feel intimidated, then that is how you feel.

OP please be assured it's your boundary, your choice, it's not weird, odd or unusual, please don't think that. You are strong sticking to your guns, it's your terms not those of some possibly pushy man.

I have been in exactly this situation and that particular man used to turn up on other previous women's doorsteps uninvited until they moved him on. It felt a little scary and intimidating.

Please feel confident in your choice.

Your boundaries are your choice, I agree.

My husband has seen me in some states! So I just don’t think you’re comfortable with him yet. That’s fine, you don’t have to be.

But the drama, the breaking up, the not letting him in...you just might not be all that compatible.

Don't think it's weird. I'm not a big fan of people turning up announced, especially if I'm doing a big clean.

I dumped a blokes coz his eyebrows met in the middle. Weird? Yes! So what?

There's something about this guy that makes you uncomfortable. Would your best mate drop by knowing you don't like people coming round unannounced? No!

He's pushing your boundaries, he thinks he knows best!!

Get rid!

I don't have a fear of single, definitely not. I really want to be single in the long run, and I don't plan on living with a man again.

I suppose it is very complicated and it is all a long story. He has some very good qualities and we are very attracted to each other. He didn't heavily pursue me, no. I guess because I fancied him I forgot all the stuff about wanting to be single 😏
But it did all happen quite quickly after we met.
He has some great qualities. He hasn't really done anything to make me feel intimidated. It is just because of his big size and my own fears probably due to past history of dv. He has however once put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking when we were arguing. I did feel uneasy when he came knocking at my door when we were on a break as well. I do think due to my life experiences I am now at a position where I am scared and distrustful of pretty much all men, which is my own issue.

I don't like how you keep describing yourself as too sensitive. That's your abuser's words coming out of your mouth via negging they've burned into your mind.

I have been told I am too sensitive by people. I am hard as nails. Not prone to dramatic snowflake behaviour. The people who describe me as too sensitive mean I think it is OK to say these things to you / do these things to you. You are wrong to object. I will not even consider that I might be in the wrong. There must be something wrong with you as a person. You are too sensitive.

I am not "too sensitive". You are not "too sensitive". You and I have behaviours we do not like in others. We won't let it go unmentioned if others behave in those ways towards us. We won't pretend we are not bothered.

Some things offend your sensibilities. Some of those things would not bother others. That's fine. You are fine.

As a general rule of life, if someone accuses you of being too sensitive then it's them who is a dick not you. At best you have totally different value systems. Never stick in a relationship with someone who makes you feel "too sensitive."

I would dump a man instantly if he put his hand over my mouth to stop me arguing. That is extremely aggressive move for a large man to a smaller woman. Insta-bin.

Some weird comments on here.

I would hate someone turning up unannounced. Although I’ve only ever dated men who don’t live near me so that’s never happened luckily!

He was at the door with something for you and you didn’t open the door but phoned him? That’s odd.

If I had been cleaning, painting or gardening and someone (relationship or not) rocked up at mine to drop something off for me I would open the door and offer them a drink and a seat. However I am guy so maybe I am less sensitive about this.

Yes I know it was odd! I understand that. But I have told him before I am not a fan of people turning up unannounced, and I was literally in the middle of scrubbing something
He has never said I am too sensitive, I am using it to describe myself, as in I am sensitive to some things because of my history, which I understand others would not be sensitive too, if they have not had the experiences I have had. I also think I am quite strong as I have been through a lot. Sensitive and strong! 😂

It is OK to be distrustful. Take your time to find out if a man is trustworthy. This one has done several things to show he is not trustworthy. Good on you for spotting it.

You seem to have a very negative view of yourself for starting to have good boundaries with men. Saying no to men. Not automatically believing what they say about what's OK or not. Being cross when they go against what you said. These are nit signs of being damaged! These are you being a perfectly normal strong woman. Maybe it feels weird if you were a doormat previously.

You sound normal to me, except that you didn't kick off more at him doing exactly the opposite of what you asked about buying the mystery thing which is taking up far too much of my mind imagining what it could have been

There's a great section on The Gift of Fear where he explains how others push our boundaries to see how far they can get.
This guy doesn't sound good. He's pushing boundaries on purpose. Even getting the item after you said no, then showing up at your door!!
This is not about showing up unannounced. This is about figuring out how far his control extends.
Plus holding his hand over your mouth. No. This is not a nice man. Next it'll be your neck 'by accident'!
I'd suggest cut ties immediately.
Read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03 too