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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

180 replies

Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:00

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

OP posts:
Postmanbear · 22/02/2020 16:32

I can’t believe he put his hand over your mouth. My DH has never ever touched me in 10 years and I would leave the second he did.
Why are you having massive rows in the beginning of your relationship? This is meant to be the best time.
Please leave him before this gets worse.

Nekoness · 22/02/2020 16:37

“I am definitely into him @Nekoness! I am just scared and I don't know why”

You wrote early on that you didn’t want to open the door to him because you were cleaning and feeling yucky. Did I miss another post where you retracted that? When you are at early stages of a relationship, you’re excited to see the other person. You don’t sound excited.

urright · 22/02/2020 16:38

OP I could write your posts, you are not alone in these feelings. Please be careful if you decide to end it with him, I wouldn't do it alone or in private, sometimes a certain type of man can turn nasty in such circumstances. I don't wish to be alarmist just this is ringing so many bells for me.

datasgingercatspot · 22/02/2020 16:39

me expecting he will turn out to be yet another abusive guy,

He already is! He clamped his hand over your mouth! He doesn't give a fuck about your boundaries, neither do you.

Sadly it's clear you have no intention of ending it with this abusive prick so I hope for your sake when he does step up the abuse he doesn't physically harm you too badly.

Ohyesiam · 22/02/2020 16:41

You are saying
“ I don’t like this”

He is saying
“ I don’t care, I’m doing it anyway”

Is that what you want in a relationship? You could have a bf who actually likes you enough to respect you.

Mother87 · 22/02/2020 16:42

I know pp's have said it's a 'weird' boundary etc... I LOATHE people turning up unnanounced - and he's out of order to ignore your wishes. But apart from that - am not sure you two are particularly compatible anyway.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:44

Hi @nekoness no not in early stages anymore, it has been a year or so now.
The thing is when I have tried to end it before, I have had myself to blame for not being able to as I do like him so much and like I said he does have good qualities. And because I am lonely and don't have many friends, he has been a good friend and I have always missed him during those periods
But normally when we argue or I have tried to end it everything usually turns out to be my fault or it is because of my mental health issues, etc.
It has been a very up and down relationship nothing like anything I have experienced before. But I don't know if that is because I wasn't really ready for it and because of my mental health ups and downs.

OP posts:
LonelyGir1 · 22/02/2020 16:52

Listen to your gut.

emilybrontescorsett · 22/02/2020 16:54

Op- he is testing your boundaries. You said no and he totally ignored your wishes.
Do not apologise. Do not contact him first.
This reminds me of an ex he used to turn up early and sit in his car waiting for me. I wanted time to get in tidy up and just relax a bit.
He turned out to be an abusive controlling twat.

urright · 22/02/2020 16:54

OP I imagine that's him making out its your fault/due to your mh and you taking that on board. Maybe its messing with your head all round. I wouldn't get into an argument with him later, sometimes its safest to quietly acknowledge/withdraw.

MzHz · 22/02/2020 16:56

The very fact that you have abusive relationships in your past and you felt extremely attracted to him is worrying

The fact you told him you weren’t really ready is also worrying

The hand over the mouth is bad. very bad.

The coming round IS checking up on you somehow and it is making you feel scared. You’ve told him you don’t like it and he does it anyway. That is bad He doesn’t give a shit about how you feel, if he’s upsetting or worrying you and he’s bulldozing you and your boundaries

You have tried to end it, he has not respected that, he came round unannounced while you were split even though there was no need, this was absolutely wrong and you should have stayed split.

If your body is telling you it’s scared, it’s because your body can spot some danger your brain isn’t picking up on. You have an abused victim filter on, and that vulnerability draws people like this guy in like a beacon.

The good news is that to get rid of that beacon is fairly simple, and easy enough once you get into the habit. Just start saying NO and meaning it. What you did today by not answering the door was a good start.

I dumped someone because he was trying to force me to meet his (frankly over indulged) kid. I didn’t want to move things on like that, I told him. Twice. He tried 3 times to trick me into it, so I cancelled the meet up and said it wasn’t going to work our between us and best we carry on our separate ways. He didn’t listen to me then either, but I didn’t answer anything again.

I would tell him that you don’t want to continue the relationship anymore, because he’s not listening to you and respecting your time or boundaries

He can take the item back to the shops, you will get why you want for yourself when you want to.

Dump him. He’s not a safe person for you to be with.

((Hug)))

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:59

I am going out for a while but I will definitely read any more responses and reply when I can as I appreciate the input and different viewpoints. It is hard as I would like to go into detail about the rest of the relationship, good points as well potential red flags but worrying to do so on here. But I appreciate everyone's replies so thank you

OP posts:
MzHz · 22/02/2020 17:01

I’ve been exactly where you’ve been and now a few years later I have a life that’s beyond my wildest dreams

You can have your own happy ending- if you learn to protect yourself from those who don’t have your interests at heart.

He doesn’t- you know this

Have faith

datasgingercatspot · 22/02/2020 17:04

It is hard as I would like to go into detail about the rest of the relationship, good points as well potential red flags but worrying to do so on here

Worrying because all your want is validation that this is a good idea to carry on in this relationship, which is already proving to be abusive. Abusive behaviour negates any good points. Hitler had good points about him, too, he liked animals and was a vegetarian, that didn't make him any less of a cunt.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 17:06

Not potential red flags. Actual red flags.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 17:07

Every relationship has good times. It's not the goodness of the good times that dictates whether a relationship is a good one or not.

category12 · 22/02/2020 17:13

But normally when we argue or I have tried to end it everything usually turns out to be my fault or it is because of my mental health issues, etc.

Dear God, OP - you're in another abusive relationship.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 22/02/2020 17:29

OP.

You are in an abusive relationship right now.

Putting his hand over your mouth during an argument is shocking behaviour. The entitlement and sense of assumed authority in doing so is disgusting.

Can you see that this is an abusive relationship?

Good doesn't outweigh bad when things are bad bad.

I had a right laugh with my ex sometimes and we had great sex. He also beat the shit out of me and cheated on me regularly. So he was an abuser and I eventually left.

Since then I've had copious amounts of therapy and self reflection and developed excellent boundaries.

If a man put his hand on my mouth now, he would never see me again.

You need to end this relationship and work on building your self up from the ground again. You CAN do it and you must.

Thanks
Motherhippo · 22/02/2020 17:33

I hate it when people turn up announced too, whoever they are. However I probably would have answered the door, taken whatever it was he'd brought round, said thanks and closed the door. 😂😂

Aveisenim · 22/02/2020 17:46

I hate people turning up unannounced as well and I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to stop doing it. If he didn't respect that (which he's not by continuing to do it) I'd end the relationship, especially if he then got into a mood with me over it! That's saying his feelings matter more than yours.

HuntingCuns · 22/02/2020 18:13

I'm not going to stick my oar in regarding your relationship generally, OP, as only you know the full story there.

However, my boyfriend is like you, in that he just doesn't like or welcome random callers. He is a very private person, and also likes to have notice of whatever is going to happen. We have been together five years and I always ring beforehand (we also live very near one another). There's nothing sinister or secretive about it, and he's not reacting to previous abusive relationships: he just doesn't like being unprepared for visitors, even me. That's the way he is.

I am the absolute opposite, and would gladly welcome a random stranger into my home if they happened to knock on the door. This is why I initially assumed my boyfriend wouldn't mind me doing it to him. As soon as it became clear that he did mind, I stopped doing it. Regardless of whatever I might feel comfortable with (or not), he has every right to put his own boundaries in place, and I have to respect them. If I didn't respect them, he could reasonably tell me where to go.

emmylousings · 22/02/2020 18:46

There is nothing wrong with setting boundries and not wanting random visits is perfectly reasonable. Apart from that, based on other things you said (especially feeling a bit intimidated by him), and the fact he lives nearby, I think it would be better to end it sooner rather than later. Trust your instinct - it is not invalidated by your prior experience - it is stronger, as a result of it.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 22/02/2020 18:50

I would HATE this. I would feel like he was checking up on me and I too would like to be given the opportunity to freshen up before my boyfriend or someone I was dating turned up or have a quick tidy round before someone called over. I don’t think you are weird or being unreasonable at all. I think he’s weird for just turning up. Especially when you said you don’t like it.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 22/02/2020 18:52

Oh just seen about the hand over mouth thing. Yuck I’d never be seeing him again after that. Red flags all over the place with this one

SixesandEights · 22/02/2020 18:55

He hasn't really done anything to make me feel intimidated. It is just because of his big size and my own fears probably due to past history of dv. He has however once put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking when we were arguing

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!?????

Yes he bloody has done something intimidating!!! He's put his hand over your mouth to shut you up!!!!

OP!!! Wake up!!!!

This is the start of abusive behaviour. He constantly ignores your boundaries.

No, you're NOT too sensitive, what you are doing is wandering into another abusive relationship.

Please dump this guy before it becomes more difficult to get out.