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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

180 replies

Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 15:00

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 22/02/2020 16:05

Read The Gift of Fear too

OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 16:07

He put his hand over your mouth and turned up when you’d split?

Fuck that!

You’re not too sensitive for not liking certain things @Helloandhi!

Maybe being on your own for now will be good for you!

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:08

Haha @TorkTorkBam I don't want to give any more detail I am afraid!
Thanks for your kind advice.
I do think a lot of men can't handle strong women or women that have different opinions or views to them, boundaries they don't agree with or live their life a different way etc

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 16:09

You told him not to turn up unannounced. You told him you did not want the mystery thing. You said you just wanted to get on with the cleaning today. He ignored you. I'd be pissed off too.

I quite like your not answering the door thing. You said you weren't taking visitors before he arrived. So what did he expect?

Knewyou · 22/02/2020 16:10

I had a bf once who used to turn up unannounced just to check up on me eg he would buy me things I had mentioned in passing and had to deliver them straight away and once he turned up with his elderly mother to use my toilet Confused. He would look around my house as if checking for signs of another man and then leave.

There’s not an element of that is there?

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:11

I didn't actually tell him I didn't want the mystery thing, I wasn't given the chance..he went out and got it for me, no discussion of anybody getting it beforehand, then told me he had got it then turned up with it

OP posts:
datasgingercatspot · 22/02/2020 16:11

You are not odd or too sensitive. In fact, you're not sensitive enough. This man has NO respect for your boundaries! And you know why? Because you don't, either, you allow others to walk all over them. 'I want to be single' but then get into a relationship. 'I don't like people turning up unannounced' but then answer the door sometimes when they do.

He has however once put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking when we were arguing. I did feel uneasy when he came knocking at my door when we were on a break as well.

That is NOT on. WTAF?! And you still didn't dump him, either time?

You are literally sleepwalking into another abusive relationship because you will not stop, really STOP dating for a while and work on your issues. A Man is more important than yourself.

This is why you ping from man to man and have had more than one relationship that involved domestic violence.

This is majorly concerning!

Cannot fucking believe he put his hand over your mouth to stop you talking and your response wasn't to put it off and tell him to go to fuck there and then and block him. Turns up at your door, call the police.

This man has more red flags than a N. Korean rally.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:12

I don't think he is checking up on me. I live a quiet life at present. I don't party or go out much and there is no reason for him to feel the need to do that I think, well apart from the fact I do have some mental health issues, so perhaps he is genuinely worried about that and checking up for that reason...

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 16:14

Learning how to rapidly end it with men who make you feel bad, even for vague reasons, is the route to ending up in an excellent relationship.

Everyone is weird. We all have our little foibles. That's why choosing a life partner can't be done by an algorithm. That's why we don't marry after 3 dates. You have to experience lots of things together and don't be afraid to move on "just because"

tenlittlecygnets · 22/02/2020 16:14

If you're already arguing and you feel intimidated by him, that's good enough reasons to dump him...

I think it's odd that you didn't let him in when you knew he was coming over, but that's up to you...

NeedToKnow101 · 22/02/2020 16:16

His behaviour has red flags all over it, and I think you're right to feel intimidated when he does things like put his hand over your mouth to shut you up. I think you should end it personally.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:16

I did tell him I wasn't impressed when he put his hand on my mouth.

We have argued and not spoken for a bit or I have tried to end it but then we have always got back together. Because I do care for him, because I am lonely, because we live so near each other, because I have some mental health problems...I don't know the reasons. He honestly does have some good qualities too though he has helped me through some bad times. And I do care for him a lot.

I don't actually go from guy to guy, I have had occasions where there has been a year or more in between but yes this one I know was too quick to get into.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 16:16

OP, I don’t say this to be unkind but there are definite red flags here that you’re making excuses for...

ChuckleBuckles · 22/02/2020 16:17

He has however once put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking when we were arguing

So the best reading to this is that this wingnut doesn't want to hear what you have to say, literally. He gives not one fuck to hear your opinion on anything, and that is the best case scenario. But I think he is just another abusive man, please take some time to yourself OP, get away from this guy and be safe.

AnneKipanki · 22/02/2020 16:17

Red flags.
You are not comfortable. End it .

museumum · 22/02/2020 16:19

I think normally it would be normal to let a good and trustworthy established boyfriend in if they dropped by.
But I think this guy is really raising the red flags, he makes you anxious and does not make you feel safe, I understand you needing space from him.
I feel you should get rid and use this as an indication he’s not right for you.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:19

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 16:20

What do you mean tried to end it

Yoda says it best:

bringincrazyback · 22/02/2020 16:21

I realise maybe it is a bit weird to be the way I am and not enjoy unexpected guests

No it's not, I hate it when people turn up unannounced. But there's a real dichotomy on MN where that issue's concerned.

urright · 22/02/2020 16:21

OP it was not odd, please do not take that on for one moment, something inside is telling you to be cautious. I too have had certain life experiences including stalking which make me wary about men and their boundary pushing. Not everyone understands this.
The hand over mouth is a danger signal. I am worried about this man and that the attraction might be clouding things which could get worse.

bringincrazyback · 22/02/2020 16:24

Posted too soon... meant to add...

However, as far as the actual relationship goes, it sounds like red flag central and the 'hand over mouth' thing would be the last straw for me I'm afraid. Your expectations of a relationship sound too low, OP, you deserve to be treated better. Flowers

Nekoness · 22/02/2020 16:24

OP, I think the real problem is that your actions show you’re just not that into him. And that’s ok. Maybe time to admit that and call it a day.

Maduixa · 22/02/2020 16:25

He's being inappropriate in continually showing up unasked/unarranged (texting that he'll be by in 5 minutes doesn't count!!) You've made your preferences and needs clear and he chooses to ignore them, repeatedly. I'd have replied to his text about coming by with the item saying "not a good time - I'll get it from you when I see you tonight, thanks!" or similar.

If he gives you hassle later on, just say you'd have asked him to leave the item outside your door but were worried it'd be stolen, thanks for keeping it for you. (Assuming you even want the thing he got you - it sounds like he got it as an excuse to drop by, but I don't know the details.) And he has no right to be angry about the wasted trip - even if you didn't normally mind drop-ins, how could he know you weren't out, or in the bath/shower, or asleep, or sick, or in the middle of something you couldn't step away from when he chose to drop by?

I'm afraid I'd be dumping this fellow, if I were SURE he clearly understood that I'd asked him NOT to stop by at random. When someone makes their boundaries clear you either agree to respect them and do, or can't agree and have to discuss it further. Maybe he is insulted you aren't comfortable with him dropping in, maybe he feels you're hiding something or playing games. But you discuss that. You don't agree to respect someone's wishes and then do the opposite.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:25

Tried to, but then we got back together... I have myself to blame really because I am fairly messed up mentally and during those times I always miss him a lot and can't stay away
I don't have many friends and he has been a good friend
Like I said I think I am scared of pretty much all men nowadays. So don't know whether to trust my feelings/gut instincts on anybody anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Helloandhi · 22/02/2020 16:30

I am definitely into him @Nekoness! I am just scared and I don't know why. Scared because of my history, fear of men in general and me expecting he will turn out to be yet another abusive guy, or scared because he has perhaps given me a gut instinct to feel that way about him in particular. Also scared of heartbreak! As that is the worst and I don't want to experience it again.

OP posts: