AIBU to not like boyfriend showing up unannounced?

[Helloandhi]

Hey all! Long time lurker, first time poster.

Just wondered if you think it's unreasonable that I don't like him showing up at my door unannounced?
Long story short he lives very near me (which I have now realised is bad, will never date a neighbour again especially as our relationship is very up and down, I have seen potential red flags)
On occasions he has turned up unannounced, knocking on my door including when we were broken up for a period. I don't like anybody turning up unannounced to be honest, normally when I am home alone I slob about and look gross, I like a bit of warning to freshen up for guests. I have told him I don't like it, and didn't appreciate it especially when he did it when we had broken up/were on a break.

Today I had been cleaning and he said he would get something for me (which I did not ask him to) showed up at my door with it without warning, I was knee deep in cleaning so I phoned him to say I will see him and get the thing off him later, yes I know that it was weird of me to do that rather than just get up and answer the door. But I was covered in crap from cleaning and just didn't want to see him right then.

So he sounded annoyed and sulky on the phone about it and I wonder if I seem him later whether it will continue (we have had a lot of very bad arguments since the beginning of this relationship)

Am I being unreasonable to set my own boundaries and not like people including him turn up unannounced?! I have a history of more than one relationship of domestic violence, like my privacy and alone time and also current man has actually made me feel a bit intimidated on occasion.

Now I feel guilty and like I should just apologise for being silly and not answering the door. But I have boundaries and have never liked unexpected guests!

Thanks

Oh, this was a few years ago and a past relationship, not now.

I do agree about the "doing you favours that you don't want" at first I thought it was nice that he thought of doing all these little things that ex's never did. Now not so sure.

I think turning up like this is a sign of control. It's very common for abusive men to pretend to be 'helpful' by dropping by with something you 'need', turning up unannounced to home or work despite you telling them you don't want them to. It's a way of checking up on you and the fact that he also does this when you break up is a huge red flag.

Be very careful when ending things with this guy as I'd be willing to bet he is a narcissist and will not let you go easily. Create very strong boundaries and let him know from day 1 that if he turns up unannounced after the breakup, you will call the police (and follow through). Its called hoovering when they try and suck you back in to the abuse cycle (which I would assume you are firmly in with the constant arguments).

If your previous ex was also abusive, please take some time away from dating until you are emotionally stronger. These men are predators and often target people who have been previously abused. To them, it's like blood in the water for a shark.

Stay safe OP (things can escalate quickly with these types when you end things) and please contact the womens centre who may be able to find organisations that can assist with re housing.

Why do you not end it op?

You do realise that each time you accept him steam rolling over your personal bounderies he will take it as a green flag and continue.

You would benefit from doing the freedom programme.

OP I can say that as I distanced from my person he became physical, the tight hurting hug, gripping, almost where I wasn't sure if it was accidental, passed off as a joke, it isn't of course. Do watch out for these actions. Later shouting horrible things on my doorstep. It doesn't happen at first but there's that gut feeling.

Thank you, I feel that I am now extra on guard to any weird behaviour or signs.
My most recent ex before this current guy was not abusive at all, it was the ones before him that were also abusive. I never had any doubts or gut feelings like this current guy, never felt scared, he never intimidated me physically like by putting his hand over my mouth when arguing or any other way. Totally different by comparison

Seriously. Why are you continuing with this? Do you need this drama in your life?

@ohcaptain I think it's because I now no longer know how to end it. I tried before a d it didn't work and my mental health issues were always blamed. I don't believe he will take me seriously if I try again. He also turned up unannounced during this period a couple times, even leaving presents outside, and when we got back together just said how bad it made him feel that I was ignoring him...
I feel my only choice now is to wait until the next ridiculous argument to end it or to wait until I can move

What did you do immediately after he put his hand over your mouth?

I can't remember, I think I was shocked and didn't do much. A bit later I said I didn't like it and he apologized quite sincerely. But one of the few times he has ever really apologised. Most things are my fault

You could get the police involved?

He doesn't get to tell you you have to be in a relationship with him or that your MH is the problem when you want to split up. You have the right to end the relationship and for him never to bother you again. You shouldn't feel like you have to stay in the relationship out of fear. You could speak to Women's Aid and the Stalking helpline that was mentioned by a PP.

I feel my only choice now is to wait until the next ridiculous argument to end it or to wait until I can move

Sorry but that’s absolutely ridiculous. You don’t try to break up with him. You break up with him. If he keeps showing up, you call the police.

Stop being so passive in your own life. Who cares if he “blames” your mental health? He can blame whatever he wants. That shouldn’t stop you - an adult, sentient being - from making your own life decisions!

I have to agree with the above poster.
I see what you're saying OP as I was the same, hoping he would go away. It was only until I finally called the police that things began to change and even then it got worse, even with the police involved .

Not to scare you.

I know, I have been passive for much of my life, which is why I have made such a mess of it.
However it has also been hard to stay broken up because I do have strong feelings for him. Just as I also loved my previous abusive ex's. It is easy to ask 'why didn't she just leave'.
But I never considered calling the police before. I will consider it when I do the deed and if he continues to show up unannounced etc

Read up about traumatic bonding, op.

I don’t mean to criticise @Helloandhi I just can hear the pain in your posts and I wish you would take control of your life back.

Yes thank you @OhCaptain I do understand and appreciate your advice

If you find it hard to stay broken up with him, keep a diary of all the times he breaks your boundaries. You will see a pattern.
It's easier that way as your head will be exhausted. It will also be handy if you call the police. Seeing it written down makes it more real.
Look after yourself.

That's such a good idea @sunflowernet thank you. I once recently tried to explain to him where I found one of his texts PA but he found it hard to admit to sending it and unfortunately I deleted the message so couldnt even show it to him. Good idea to keep a record of things thank you

OP try reading a book called "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head" by Don Hennessy

He advises rather than asking why a woman doesn't leave her abuser that the correct question to ask is what is that abuser doing to keep their partner tied to them and then working on breaking that bond.

He believes that as a therapist if he asks his client why she doesn't leave that makes her feel responsible for her own abuse, that she is somehow "choosing" abuse, he argues that will make a woman less likely to seek help and is just plainly wrong, women are already being abused for a very long time before a hand is placed on them, it is about recognising the early emotional abuse and manipulation. Please keep safe and get away from this man before he escalates.

So update
We haven't seen each other this week as I just wanted some time to myself and we have both been a bit ill. I am not a big texter most of the time, so last time messaging was Thursday or fri.
Now today he has gone and bought me something else randomly and randomly messaged to say I can have it now! It's almost like any excuse to try to see me without just actually asking
Fortunately this time I actually saw the message and had an actual chance to reply and said sorry I am busy today I will get the new thing from him another time.
Gosh it is like a replay of last weekend but at least this time I actually had the chance before he suddenly showed up. Progress?

Progress? Not really.

I mean, do you want to see him?

Yes, progress. Do you feel stronger?

Not progress. He hasn't listened to you. I think you should end this OP, it's screaming control issues.

I don't want to see him today no, just want some time to myself. I value my rare alone time and was out all day yesterday!

I do feel a little stronger. I know if he ever does step over my boundaries again and turn up unannounced like that it will have to be the last time as I really dislike it and I have told him that.

I am not sure though if I hadn't have replied straightaway to his message today (as happened to be on my phone) whether or not he still would have just turned up immediately again. Or whether he would have waited to give me a chance to see it and reply.

Enjoy your day alone. Try not to think about him or it isn't really a him-free day.