At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

[LadyLindaT]

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds awful. I do think you should get a doctors appointment. Dementia can unfortunately take many forms. A friends mothers dementia started with v aggressive, out of character behaviour. She went from regularly babysitting her dgd to having to be kept away from her over a period of about a year. I really hope it's not this, but I dint think you should ignore it.

It very well could be dementia - my best friends dad had very similar symptoms and his experience/symptoms of dementia were totally different to my grandmothers. I think dementia can show many different signs especially in the early stages and so just because his behaviour is different to what you’ve experienced with dementia in the past, doesn’t mean this isn’t what it is. Otherwise it could be another medical issue - could you encourage him to see a doctor?

Unfortunately there are lots of different kinds of dementia, and they all can appear in different ways. Do you think you'd be able to get him to the doctor?

Sudden changes in personality could be due to loads of different things OP. The first thing to do is get a medical check up.

Agree you should get a medical check up for him in the first instance. Many different illnesses can cause a change in personality so it’s wise to get him checked out.

Yes there are different types of dementia with different behaviours and symptoms. That was my first thought too.

Many different kind of dementia which others have said. Some can present this way. Or it could be UTI’s or something else. I would get him checked out for sure.

I first though dementia too. But it could something else with his health. Could you persuade him to visit the GP, when he's seemingly at ease?

Thank you, everyone. I must admit that I even wondered if it was piles, or a UTI, and that was putting him in a bad mood, but that he didn't like to say. There is no way he will accept that there is anything wrong with him
He just keeps saying: "It's you."

Needs a brain CT scan. Behaviour change can have many physical causes especially at age 70.

Could it be he's hiding something, like money problems? My ex did the red face, hands shaking, verbal exploding thing, it was because of the stress of various lies and secrets. He did become violent so please take care. I agree about seeing a GP.

I've had experience of this with someone and they do not believe there's anything wrong, therefore unlikely to seek help. It could well be some form of dementia. The problem with someone not realising there's anything wrong, but coupled with the side of them that's still ok and a belligerent attitude, they invariably try to make our your the one that's got the problem, and it can be very convincing. It's very difficult because usually I think these things get worse before they get better, when eventually something has to give.

The fact your daughter has noticed his changed behaviour and cussing at the tv makes me think it’s proof it’s NOT you. SHE noticed his change in behaviour not you. The thing he was shouting at wasnt you either. Defo him not you.
If you can get him to the GP it would help but if he doesn’t want to go....

Defo get him to the GP if you can. He sounds unwell.

If you have never been abused by him, that hes never shown controlling or coercive behaviours then it would strongly indicate dementia.

I'm so sorry.

Have you spoken to him away from these incidents? Not just after or during, but maybe on a day when he hasn't had one? He may be responding with "its you" through embarrassment at the time. Not telling you how to speak to your husband but I would suggest that, and starting with a very sincere "I'm worried about you" If he continues down the "it's you" route just stay really calm and explore it - what is differ that I'm doing to wind you up etc... not suggesting that you are, but that conversation may shed some light or get him to open up more if you're really calm and understanding.

Sorry if this is how you've approached it. I'm thinking medical issue too and you need to find a way to get him to be receptive to a GP's visit. Good luck.

I am sorry, this sounds very difficult.
Would he listen to your DD about the need to go to a doctor?
Has he tried to explain why it is ‘you’ causing this, or does he just rage with no explanation? (I don’t think it is you, by the way, just trying to get a sense of how much communication there is about it. Why would you suddenly be causing this after forty years of harmonious marriage? It’s not).

I don't really want to drag my daughter into this, although I know that she is also very concerned. I think I will visit her for a few days and compare notes. I honestly am struggling with this. We are both a bit shocked at the change in him, but he keeps just insisting that it's all my fault. I just don't understand how I suddenly became vile.

OP I truly feel for you but if you want help, answer the question.

Has he ever abused you?

I'm so sorry, I know you are hurting. Please enable us to help you.

Fronto temporal dementia usually presents with either language or personality changes, NOT memory impairment. The average is many many years from family first noticing relative seemed less and less themselves to diagnosis. Many people are treated for depression for a few years before diagnosis if memory problems aren't apparent for a long time.

I would explore cognitive testing with the GP.

Get him to the doctors first thing tomorrow...it sounds like onset of dementia as others have said. If it isn't he will need to be thoroughly checked over. He sounds unwell.

I agree, I suspect dementia but it could be anything physical. He needs a check up before anything else.

Could he be having an affair op?

I think you have to get your daughter involved. She's an adult woman not a child! If he's blaming you then you need her to back you up and say she has noticed a change in his personality too. He might listen to both of you together.

He is a very nice, kind, fit, healthy, strong and stable man, who has just recently decided that he doesn't seem to like me very much any more. I am trying to process what the hell is going on.