Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

203 replies

LadyLindaT · 16/02/2020 15:59

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

OP posts:
HopeYouStepOnALego · 17/02/2020 16:41

Has your DH started on any new medications OP? When my late father was put on new meds he had a bit of a change of personality and became quite short tempered and sometimes nasty to my DM, although he could mask it with me. If he's taking new medications it might be worth looking at what the possible side effects are.

EngagedAgain · 17/02/2020 16:46

I also wondered if he might be having an affair, but felt like I would be casting aspersions. Now it's been mentioned by a pp. Don't rule it out just because he's 70. Hope for your sake he's not.

Bin85 · 17/02/2020 17:15

Can you see GP yourself first and explain what's happening?
They might be able to call him in on some pretext?

TheReef · 17/02/2020 17:20

My Dad has just started a relationship with a woman (he's widowed) at 75, it's also very physical (I really wish he'd not shared this information with me) so don't think just because of his age an affair is out of the question.

Original poster
LadyLindaT · 17/02/2020 17:28

As I said, originally, I would have assumed affair, but so far there is no evidence. Is it possible someone can just decide to hate you?

OP posts:
EggysMom · 17/02/2020 17:33

I'm thinking it's a UTI ...

Fretfulparent · 17/02/2020 17:35

www.nhs.uk/conditions/frontotemporal-dementia/

Any of these symptoms?

NormaSnorks · 17/02/2020 17:38

Sometimes when people are scared or stressed about something the anxiety is manifested in anger and hate towards their loved ones.
When I was 18 my aunt was dying from cancer and seemed to direct a torrent of hate towards me Sad. It was awful for my mum (her sister) who kept telling me it wasn't personal.
But yes, could also be early dementia. My MIL was the most placid person but turned into an angry one when she developed Alzheimer's. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

12345kbm · 17/02/2020 17:40

He needs to see his GP in order to rule out any medical reasons behind the change in his behaviour.

It's probably better to do it sooner rather than later as it could be something urgent.

Perhaps speculate on an affair once everything else has been ruled out.

Original poster
LadyLindaT · 17/02/2020 18:20

Thank you everyone for your input. I am sorry, but I fail to see how am supposed to get this man to see a GP. He is already saying that everything that is wrong is me.

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 17/02/2020 18:27

Maybe print out some leaflets?

Ask the GP to call him in?

Ask your daughter to ask him to go for a check up?

Original poster
LadyLindaT · 17/02/2020 18:30

No medication, or changes, thereof.

No obvious evidence of affair.

No evidence of UTI, or similar.

No obvious tick-boxes of dementia.

Just seems to have decided to hate me.

I am really struggling, now.

OP posts:
Whereisthelaughter · 17/02/2020 18:32

Have you tried speaking to him at a time when he is not being hateful? In a way in which is calm and concerned, and outlines changes in him and the way it's making you feel? Or have you only discussed it off the back of an incident when you are both emotional in different ways?

KTJean · 17/02/2020 18:34

You said upthread you did not want to drag your DD into this.
I have had a terrible relationship with my mother over the years and even so, I would absolutely want to help her if she had these concerns about my father (or him her). I think going to stay with her for a couple of ideas is a very good idea, not least because it will give you a break.
Do let her support you if she wants you to: it is her dad, you are not dragging her into it and she has noticed herself.
All the best Flowers

12345kbm · 17/02/2020 18:36

Then contact his GP and speak to her about it. She obviously won't be able to give you patient info but she can take your concerns into consideration. She may send a letter and suggest a check up.

Others have suggested getting your daughter involved or perhaps someone else he may listen to. Does he have a brother? Long standing friend?

Keep a log of his behaviour, note any symptoms. You'll be able to see if there is any deterioration or any triggers.

Calmly assert yourself. Ask him not to treat you like that. Leave the room if he gets aggressive and work on getting him an assessment. That's all you can do for now.

Soconfusedandlost · 17/02/2020 20:48

This sounds like fronto-temporal dementia. This affe ts behaviour rather than memory. My father is being looked at for it. It changes their behaviour, lowers inhibitions, removes "common sense"

Friendsofmine · 17/02/2020 21:42

"No obvious tick-boxes of dementia".

OP we are telling you that based on your posts we suspect dementia! It seems pretty obvious to some of us this needs ruling out.

Google the Alzheimer's Society Fronto temporal.

Fretfulparent · 18/02/2020 09:59

Has his attitude changed to outer things/people? Eg Is he grumpy with other people?
If just you then can you have a conversation about why he has changed towards you?

BlingLoving · 18/02/2020 10:18

What @Friendsofmine of mine said. Multiple people on this thread are telling you that in fact there are lots of obvious tick boxes for dementia. How you handle it, I honestly don't know, but I think if you can switch your mindset from thinking you've done something wrong or that he doesn't care any more to thinking there may well be a medical reason, it might make it easier to deal with you and you can hopefully think of some options.

Eg, if his behaviour escalates, you may need to call emergency services at some point.
I agree you should call the GP and discuss - if nothing else, they might give you some tips on how to get him into the doctor.

AngelsSins · 18/02/2020 12:13

Get him to the doctors first thing tomorrow

He’s a grown adult man, not a cat! She can’t put him in a carry case and force him to go when he’s refusing.

OP this sounds incredibly hard for you, do you have friends you can talk to and get support from?
Is there ever a time when he’s back to his old self and you could discuss this with him, or is the change in his personality full time?
I do think going to the doctors yourself and talking to them about it may help, they must get this a lot.

Original poster
LadyLindaT · 18/02/2020 12:28

Thank you all for taking the time and trouble to reply to me.
Just to address matters upthread, he has never, ever been abusive towards me, verbally or physically; in fact, quite the opposite, he has always been lovely, kind and generous. The worst thing you could have said about him is that he could be a bit of a pedant.
I am truly not ignoring the advice about dementia. It was one of the first things that crossed my mind, but it seemed a bit arrogant to automatically assume that if someone seems inordinately irritated by you that they must therefore be in the early stages of frontotemporal dementia. I might have just been annoying!
I did wonder about depression, as he is still working, and I wonder if he is going through a crisis, worrying about the future and thinking "is this all there is?"
I have suggested that we sit down together and go through our finances to plan for his retirement, but was given short shrift. His attitude seems to be that there is no "us" to discuss.

OP posts:
Certainlyuncertain · 18/02/2020 12:35

Visiting your daughter, talking to friends and seeing the GP yourself (for yourself) sounds like an excellent idea.

If you DH is unwilling to go to the GP, I think the cause of his behaviour is a lot less important than the behaviour itself. If it is a health issue (which sounds very likely) there’s nothing you can do until he’s willing to accept help. Focus on what you need right now. It must be incredibly hard to be treated in this way by someone you love.

Friendsofmine · 18/02/2020 13:09

OP I assumed you had ruled out that you are suddenly really irritating!

Wallywobbles · 18/02/2020 13:22

Well the current situation is clearly untenable so perhaps look at divorce in a semi serious way. At least you'll be off the hook for future arse wiping.

RadElla · 18/02/2020 13:27

It could be diabetes - uncontrollable anger, shaking and redness can be symptoms of hypoglycaemia. Diabetes is often hidden/undiagnosed until it starts to affect other organs, and can be very dangerous. If you can't, maybe your daughter can convince him to see a GP.