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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

203 replies

LadyLindaT · 16/02/2020 15:59

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

OP posts:

12345kbm · 18/02/2020 13:29

In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room. He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything

Just to address matters upthread, he has never, ever been abusive towards me, verbally or physically; in fact, quite the opposite, he has always been lovely, kind and generous.

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 18/02/2020 13:56

12345kbm Thank you for pointing out my apparent inconsistency. Not helpful, but you have scored your point. Well done. It has helped no end to help me address my bewilderment. I was contrasting the past 30 years with my recent experience.

OP posts:

TheReef · 18/02/2020 14:16

If he won't talk to you, won't accept there is a problem and won't go to the gp you've got two choices, you stay, deal with it and hope he gets through this horrid phase, or make plans, see a solicitor and plan to leave, and then leave.

After all this time, id be tempted to put a time frame on this, if he's not changed his behaviour or has realised there is an issue by then, at least you'll have had time to see a solicitor, find out where you stand and make an escape plan.

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 18/02/2020 14:22

He now, randomly, keeps threatening to move out. I now therefore need financial advice, but am not quite sure where to start.

OP posts:

12345kbm · 18/02/2020 14:23

It wasn't meant as point scoring. What he's doing is abusive however, it may not be his fault as there could be a medical reason behind it. I understand you're going through a hard time but please don't take it out on me.

Toria70 · 18/02/2020 14:24

Is he like this at work? Can you ring his boss or someone in HR and say you're concerned about some changes in his behaviour and is he coping at work?

They may not be able to say much but it could help them take him to one side and mention he needs a medical check? And you'd know that way if it is home and work, or just home.

Failing that, book an appointment for yourself with your GP and ask their advice on what to do. They may also be able to get him through the door under pretense of a check up.

Brain tumours can present as sudden changes in behaviour, just as dementia can. I used to work in care and this does sound very familiar - I had a little old frail lady I cared for who used to try and knock me out with a solid silver teapot on a daily basis.............

Rainbowshine · 18/02/2020 14:31

Could you video him when he’s nasty and then play it to either him when he’s better (if that’s safe to do) or use it to go to the GP yourself to explain the stress this is causing you?

EngagedAgain · 18/02/2020 14:40

@LadyLindaT - yes it is possible, that as he is still working at his age, that the thought of retiring fills him with dread, and he's angry and taking it out in you. It seems as if there are four main suggestions, in order, some kind of dementia, a brain tumour, having an affair/or either anger manifesting itself for some reason - either the retirement thing or affair. He could be having at the age of 70 a mid life crisis, which may not necessarily mean an affair just frustrated with things.

Jocasta2018 · 18/02/2020 14:49

See if you can get him to have an MRI.
My mother's mild Alzheimer's worsened suddenly - she went into constant fight or flight mode and got very aggressive with everyone. It turned out she'd had a mild brain haemorrhage which completely changed her character. After about 3 months, the haemorrhage healed and she went back to where she was previously - still mild Alzheimer's but no aggression.
Also possibly a mild stroke/TIA? A family friend had one - physically he was fine afterwards but his character has most definitely changed.

SVRT19674 · 18/02/2020 14:56

OP this reminds me of my granny. She was never like this and started getting so so irate, especially with my mother, for no reason whatsoever, she could do nothing right, it was wrath. Then it would disappear like it had never been there. I remember this from my 21st. She focused on my mum, never me, for example. It was the begining of dementia.

AnneKipanki · 18/02/2020 15:00

My first thought was dementia too.

I realise it may be difficult getting him to go to the GP.

Of course other things are possible , like an affair , or depression ...what do you want to do ?
Divorce ?

AnneKipanki · 18/02/2020 15:02

As TheReef said , doctor or solicitor .

Nekoness · 18/02/2020 15:14

Well you can approach it irrationally.

If he finds you so awful and wants to separate- he has two choices. He confirms to you he is of sound mind and body and goes to GP, does an MRI scan etc.

Or you continue to believe he’s had a stroke or has Alzheimer’s and you will contest the divorce and make sure you squander any saving and remortgage the house if you have for solicitor fees which can add up to hundreds of thousands of pounds. Because you’re convinced he’s got Alzheimer’s and he will need to eventually be placed in assisted living and you’d end up having to sell your house and pay for it anyway.

Completely irrational but maybe a crazy demand like this to “prove” you’re being crazy will trick him into going to GP?

Basically, you need to outwit him. And once his health is verified, you can figure out what next.

strongswans · 18/02/2020 15:30

My best friends dad had behavioural changes in his late 40s, he was previously a kind, friendly, happy man, but turned nasty, aggressive and pushed his prior to this much lived family away. He left the family home. Not long after this work sent him home due to his behaviour, on the way home I'm not sure what happened but he was taken to hospital where tests showed a brain tumour.
Of course you can't force him to see a g.p. But you can speak to them about your concerns. Remember to look after yourself too.

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 19/02/2020 12:20

Last night he said he was going to go to stay in an Airbnb, whilst viewing flats. This morning he just went to work as "normal".

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 19/02/2020 12:27

Sorry, posted too soon! I am sitting here, feeling like Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight.... I know I need to sort out finances, but I am just so bewildered that I don't know where to start. The house is in my name, but I can't afford to live here on my own. We are not married, so presumably he can just walk away and start a new life. Only last week, we RSVP'd, together, to my daughter's upcoming wedding. I am just completely at a loss.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 19/02/2020 12:31

Brain tumour?

timeisnotaline · 19/02/2020 12:31

Go to stay with your daughter. Does he have any close friends or siblings you could unload to who might be able to get him to a doctor? I guess you have to say to them at the end of the conversation that maybe it really is as simple as he’s decided he hates me and I’m the source of everything thats wrong in his life, but if not I have to try and do something for him, and if it is I guess the sooner I accept that the better so I’d very much like a second opinion at least.
Sorry op, neither are great outcomes...

litterbird · 19/02/2020 12:35

I am so sorry, the only thing I can suggest is let him do what he needs to do with no resistance from you. It will be terribly upsetting and hard for you I know. If it is dementia/health related they really don’t understand what they are doing so your resistance is futile. If it’s an affair/life crisis, again, don’t do any “pick me” dance. I can see how worried you are for him. It’s time to worry and take care of you. Observe him from a distance but start getting your ducks in a row. Your mental health will decline if you continue to get caught in this life change. Seek help from GPs for any information that might help you in this. Good luck.

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 19/02/2020 14:30

Thank you, everyone. This is just so, so strange.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 19/02/2020 14:52

I have kind of left it alone. His behaviour has been so, so odd, of late. A handyman has sent me a message about a job, and I have broken down down in tears, because someone sending a kind message has made me realise how sad and lonely I have been for so long.

OP posts:

AnneKipanki · 19/02/2020 15:03

Oh Linda . I really feel for you. I think I just assumed you were married.

I suspect he will not agree to seeing a doctor.
You MUST see a solicitor. If the house is in your name that should put you in a decent position.

AnneKipanki · 19/02/2020 15:05

Do you work?

Original poster

LadyLindaT · 19/02/2020 15:19

I am not working, at the moment, so I am really worried about what to do next. He was my best friend for so long, and I am still in total shock. He ranted on last night that he was leaving, but when I said that I should therefore perhaps cancel our next holiday, he looked surprised.

OP posts:

AnneKipanki · 19/02/2020 15:29

Well , if he is behaving like this it is unlikely to happen.

As before, it is either doctor or solicitor. ( sorry ) You cannot live like this either. Maybe you have to take the upper hand and ask him to go in a certain time scale seeing as he says he is .

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